Hi, all.
It would be a great help if anyone should read and comment on my writing. To be honest, I am quite hesitant of putting my work online and letting strangers read it, but my friend convinced me that it would not be such a bad idea. (Please feel free to say be harsh and just cut right to the core). So here it goes...
Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections (250 word limit).
I have had a growing passion for Economics ever since my first introductory class in grade 9. I love how basic concepts can be explained and understood in real-life examples, and how hypothesis like price elasticity of demand and monopoly shape the world as we know it today. The fact that proper, preconceived policies could change the course of history-as in the case of the Great Depression-and impact the lives of so many people fascinates me entirely. My passion for this has prompted me to take Higher Level Economics in IB and to write my Extended Essay on this subject, concerning food security in Indonesia. I have also developed an interest in Law-how it affects the lives of people and equates everyone. Although I hate to admit the cliché-inspired interest, it was sparked by my persistent watching of the TV shows "Body of Proof" and "Castle". The status of the law in Indonesia being almost non-existent, I would love to learn everything about it. My interest in the law has seen me spending countless of summer days on my laptop reading case after case of different types of lawsuits. USC attracted me due to its availability of the interdisciplinary program which will allow different subjects to be studied at the same time. The fact that I would not have to give up the love of one subject for another excites me completely. I have been utterly attracted to the Law, History, and Culture Major available at the Dornsife College, which seems to combine all of the subjects I love. The availability of Economics as a minor, specifically the Law and Political Economy track, has been the nail in the coffin for my attraction to USC.
Hi Alessandra!
Your essay sticks to the topic well and contains great examples. However, try to use better vocab in these sentences:
I love how basic concepts can be explained and understood in real-life examples, and how hypothesis like price elasticity of demand and monopoly shape the world as we know it today.
The fact that I would not have to give up the love of one subject for another excites me completely. relinquish
Alessandra, please do not use the term "nail in the coffin" in your essay. This term connotes a death or something negative. It is not a positive thing to say. So do not use the term to close your essay. That is the not the term you want to close it with. You could replace it with something like "was the deciding factor for me to opt to attend USC" instead. Just close the essay on a positive note :-)
Drop the references to "Body of Proof" and "Castle". As a fellow fan of those shows, I'd like to tell you that I am glad to have come across you here. As a reviewer of the essay, I don't believe that mentioning those shows will help when you have said very little throughout the essay about how you plan to use USC and its facilities in the pursuit of your academic interests. Use the released word count to make a statement about the academic activities at USC that you will be attending instead. Paint a picture of yourself as a hard working, resourceful, and research involved student instead.
It is not enough for you to just say that you are happy that USC will allow you to pursue multiple majors. Try to discuss some specific interests in those majors and explain a specific learning avenue at USC that will help you pursue more information and knowledge about those outside of the classroom. It could be anything related to using the library, or joining a campus organization / club that has a specific concentration on those interests. Whatever it is, you need to represent how USC has the tools for you to get the complete learning package.
Thanks so much for your feedback, guys! I will definitely work on it. I realize that my essay lacks in many aspects, which is why I needed someone to read it. Again, thank you!!
