"Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. "
I kind of went in a different direction than most of these I have seen. I went with a quote that helped me earlier in my life, but now made me realize who my true inspiration is. Hope it's ok, writing about my own tipic isn't really what I'm good at. I'm more of a traditional give facts and support kind of writer.
Hope it's ok. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
"I really can't take this anymore, I quit." Sadly, this is too all too often the reaction when we are faced with a difficult challenge. I must admit this was my only reaction when I was a younger child to an obstacle that forced me to work harder to achieve my goal. I would just stop and forget about what I wanted and just move on to something more easily acquired. A simple speech I watched on television changed my entire attitude and outlook on life. Giving up was just not acceptable to me anymore.
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up." This was the message of the late NCAA basketball coach Jim Valvano during his acceptance speech for the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award at the 1993 Espy Awards, just 2 months before his death to cancer. Although I was only four months old when this speech was made, the impact it had on me when I first saw and heard it ten years later has stayed with me. It has not only directly influenced me throughout my life, but it has also had a renowned effect on me and my realization of the man who truly has had the biggest influence on me.
"I'm sorry, Kevin, but it will be four or five months until you can play soccer again." I was thirteen years old and I had just gotten the prognosis that I had a broken ankle and multiple sprained ligaments. Soccer was all I had at the time, the only thing that I had ever known and the sole thing that truly made me happy. For a kid that loved a sport so much, and struggled going a week without playing, three or four months was an eternity. I was on the verge of just giving up hope of playing again that season (two months left), when something caught my eye on the only television station I watched, ESPN.
It just so happened to be "Jimmy V Week" on ESPN, a week in memory of Jim Valvano and his charity where they take donations for the Jimmy V Foundation for cancer research. As is customary during the week, ESPN broadcasts and replays that 1993 speech. This was my first experience with the speech, and it was an impactful one. Jim Valvano had me right from his initial "thank you" from all the applause he received. Immediately, cold chills were sent through my body and I had goose bumps. "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." It just kept ringing through my head. I knew I could quit like I always had. Nothing ever came from it. I fought, and fought, and pushed, and hurt. Even to the surprise of my doctor, I was healed in two months due to my hard work to get better, just in time for the last game. This speech has always helped me get through rough times in my life, but recently it has done something else. Jim Valvano's words that have helped me get through and not quit, made me realize the person that truly has inspired me the most.
"Tio Josï, porque ï que ainda estïs a trabalhar?" (Uncle John, why are you still working?) This was the question I posed to my uncle when going to see him after his brain surgery to remove tumors and his radiation. All my life, I have never seen that man away from either his office desk at home or out on the job doing carpeting. He truly is the epitome of not giving up. No matter how weak he was, he always fought and tried to beat cancer. He was never one to give up, not even crippling cancer could stop him. Radiation treatment on his head in the morning could not keep away from finishing his job in the afternoon. A week after brain surgery, and only a couple hours after radiation he was right back at work, just as strong as ever. Nothing could stop him, and that in itself is an inspiration, having cancer or not.
Jim Valvano's last statement is truly the best quote not only in inspiring me, but also in epitomizing my uncle and his presence. "Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever." Whether healthy, or after his cancer had returned and metastasized, there was no way you could be around him and smile and know that he truly was a once in a lifetime man. My entire life, I never once witnessed him commit a selfish act. Everything he did was for everyone else, and never for himself. Even at the weakest point, towards his end, he always had everyone smiling. Everyone, from all the people he worked for, with, all his customers, to all the nurses he had, oncologists he saw, loved him. Eu teamo Tio Josï, e eu sinto tua falta. Love you Uncle John, and I miss you. He truly is the greatest man I have ever known, and my biggest inspiration.
You want your essay to be sleek and powerful, with topic sentences that relate directly to the thesis and a conclusion paragraph that reinforces the main theme thoughtfully, inspiring the reader.
In this essay, the first para seems extra. Wouldn't it engage the reader more powerfully if you started with para #2, where the advice appears? And then your thesis sentence will appear at the end of that para: has also had a renowned effect on me and my realization of the man who truly has had the biggest influence on me. But this is not very good. I think you are trying to say profound when you say renowned... and I think this sentence should give the interesting perspective (on the rather simple advice) that makes the essay meaningful. It must get more complex than "never give up." You need to use the last sentence of the first para to articulate what you mean as the main theme of the essay, and you need to do it in a single sentence.
The structure depends on relating the topic sentences to that thesis sentence at the end of para #1. Google "writing good topic sentences."
:-)
I see at the end of this that you give some excellent descriptions and insights. Explore that last paragraph and find that eloquent truth that will become the thesis sentence.
