A review would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Well sir, we did it; we made it to a great school! I hope that you too are as happy and relieved about this as I am. We now have a challenging road ahead of us and I am happy to have a companion for this journey. Now, for a glimpse of your future roommate...My name is Khashayar but you can call me Kash.
I love music. Although, I tend to gravitate more towards classic rock, I have a wide variety of tastes in music. I even like country! Some of my favorite pastimes are playing chess, surfing, watching films, hiking, and simply hanging out with friends. Aside from these I spend most of my time studying science and math. If you're interested in science and technology then you're in luck because I love to converse about these things. In fact, I love to converse period. Now I'm not a big fan of showers so I hope you do not mind the smell. By the way, that was a joke. Yes sir, I keep fresh, clean, and organized. In fact, my room today looks very similar to a typical room in a Zen Buddhist Temple. Also, I pride myself on being respectful and considerate so I think you may appreciate that about me.
I look foreword to meeting you and starting a great new relationship. I have a feeling that the next few years will be epic.
Well sir, we did it; we made it to a great school! I hope that you too are as happy and relieved about this as I am. We now have a challenging road ahead of us and I am happy to have a companion for this journey. Now, for a glimpse of your future roommate...
-----delete this it's useless, says nothing about you, wastes space
My name is Khashayar but you can call me Kash.
need a comma after your name
Yes sir, I keep fresh, clean, and organized.
----good voice
consider changing this...In fact, my room today looks very similar to a typical room in a Zen Buddhist Temple....to this ...In fact, my room is often mistakes with a Zen Buddhist Temple....it's a little funnier
ary there any weird things about you? weird food combos you like maybe? talk about your clothing style a little bit. maybe include a short vignette
overall i got your voice out of it. the beginning and end were crappy and forced and the middle was nice. the epic part though is good
please check out my essay on homelessness(yale)
I do not recall if this portion affects the admission process but no harm can be done with reviewing.
"Although, I tend to gravitate more towards classic rock, I have a wide variety of tastes in music." Don't need the comma there.
"...rock, I have a wide variety of tastes in music; I even like country! Some..."
This can be my preference of writing (or complete butchering) but its up to you.
although a bit rambled (is there a size limit?), it's a good informal short. Gives the reader a broad spectrum of who you are - a fun quirky jokester.
then you're in luck because
- I'd change the you're to you are. Yes, it's supposed to be an informal letter to your peer but I still feel like since it's a college app, no contractions is the way to go.
Good overall though! Like those before me have said, your voice really shows through, which is the main point to this question, I believe.
The last sentence sounds a bit awkward, maybe flow and blend it in a bit more? Other than that, you describe yourself with a bunch of traits and thats exactly how this essay needs to be answered. great job!
