"I love rugby" and sport - Common App Personal Essay

Hi everyone, I would appreciate any comments or thoughts on the following essay:

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Rugby, the sport which I have played and loved since I was 13, has defined me as a person. It has taught me dedication, trust, and most importantly, passion. On the first day of training, I was introduced to a group of strangers, kids from different schools selected through physical grading, and told that they would be my teammates. Over the course of 6 years, we endured grueling training from our coaches, and bonded over a multitude of incidents, ranging from relationship problems to common hatred of coaches or teachers. Soon enough, I developed an intense passion for the sport. I loved every aspect of it, the feeling of someone you can trust by your side, even the pain of the injuries I nursed. It was through this initial taste I experienced that I decided that passion is my greatest motivation in life.

Thanks in advance!

maybe you should develop a little. I mean little more details maybe..

good luck. :D

There is a limit to how much I can describe, seeing as the word limit is 150.. But thanks anyway! What kind of details do you have in mind?

like how you built this trust with each other,the process, how you feel, is there any change.. things like that.

in my short essay i wrote about my singing at a school concert and i kind of wrote every details like the audience, the lights, my feelings, people's reaction..i think details make people like they w\are watching things happening themselves. but, that's just me. and english's not my mother tongue so i can only describe the general idea. good luck. =]

Ah, I see. Thank you so much for your input! Anyone else out there? I would like to have more input on the essay..

The thing is I don't know what are you trying to say. And since it's a short answer (only 150 words allowed), every sentence should have a clear erm... "purpose" so that you don't waste space on saying nothing. :P

Anyway, here are some suggestions.


Although you wrote this, but you didn't develop this idea later in the essay. How did rugby taught you dedication? How did you learn how to be passionate about things?

Question: Do you intend to write about dedication, trust AND passion that you learned while playing rugby? If yes, then I advise you - DON'T. There isn't enough space to write about them all.

If you just wanted to stress the idea that beside this and this, rugby also taught you passion, then just change the wording. For example: The most important thing that rugby taught me, beside dedication and trust, is passion. Or just don't mention dedication and trust at all. It will save you some valuable space. :)


I think you should delete this. I know it's not unusual to dislike a teacher (I personally hated my chemistry teacher in middle school... and vice versa <LOL>), but I don't think it's wise to mention it.

I hope it helped.
Good luck! :D

Ah I see. Thank you so much! I had a feeling that I wasn't focused enough on my essay.. Thank you!

Here's an edited version of my essay. Please feel free to comment!

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Rugby, the sport which I have played and loved since I was 13, has defined me as a person. The most important thing that rugby has taught me, besides dedication and trust, is passion. I love every aspect of rugby. The sense of camaraderie, the joy of motivating fellow teammates, even the pain of the injuries I nursed. It was this intense passion and love for the sport that motivated me to train hard, in order to win championships. I took this burning passion that I had, and applied to my daily activities. Over the course of my years in school, I felt the need to learn and love whatever I do. I found, to my surprise, that I managed to achieve success in these areas. Passion has always been the fuel for my desire to succeed, and I believe it will be no different in the years ahead.

OMG! You used my sentence! Haha I am flattered. However, I'm not certain if it's grammatically correct (since English is not my mother tongue :P) so please check it.

About the last sentence, I think you should somehow mention rugby again like, I don't know, Passion initiated by rugby has been the fuel... ?

But I noticed that it's 149 word long already. So how about cutting out some words? (I REALLY think that you should mention rugby in the last sentence.)


Cross out one or the other. Maybe "passion" because you used it in the next sentence.

You need to delete another word to fit in the word limit. Oh, here!


Delete "that I had". It doesn't provide the reader with more info => unnecessary.


I don't really get this one. "Learn and love whatever I do"? Can you say "learn whatever I do"?? I guess you meant "learn TO love whatever I do". :)


Sorry for bugging you, but I didn't understand the "these areas" part. Which areas? School? Whatever you do? Again, sorry, but it's past 2am here and I'm kinda sleepy. Heheh

Overall, it's much better than the 1st one. But who am I to judge? :D
Anyway, GOOD LUCK!

Ah, and please help me with my essay. My deadline is right around the corner; everything is ready but the supplement essay. I am just incapable of writing/thinking, for myself at least :D , right now. :(

Thanks in advance! :D