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"a love for science" - Statement of Purpose

tep186 1 / 1  
May 31, 2010   #1
I trying to transfer to University of Texas can someone help me out with my essay? I know its really bad

Through my life I had always had a love for science. I have always been particularly interested in the science of life, biology. I was always fascinated in every aspect of science of life. I have been interested in everything from the smallest organism to complex creatures such as elephants to bizarre plants. Everything about life in general was fascinating. As I was growing up I wanted to learn more, during school I would ask my teacher millions of questions and constantly amazed looking at the small organisms the microscope. As continued to go to school, I discovered that I was pretty intrigued by the biology of humans. I discovered this during when I was taking human anatomy and physiology in community college. Everything from human biology excites me from human evolution to how the brain works. I had always sought to learn more. I found out that the University of Texas has the option to major in human biology, I was thrilled, and it is truly the best opportunity to reach my aspiration. With this major I hopefully use my knowledge to educate my community and make an impact.

I'm not the typical student; I went to school part-time, work full-time and took a year off. When I graduated from high school, I attended Brazosport College. I have to confess, I struggled at the beginning, and I had trouble with math and other subjects. As time went on, I realized that I had to focus in order to accomplish my goals. My grades went up and I started to gain confidence. After three long years, I received my associate's degree in general science. I decided to take a break from school because I was unsure what I wanted to do. During this break and decided to pursue nursing. Nursing involved two of my goals I wanted to do; help people and chance to learn more about human body works. After my break I went back to Brazosport and complete other courses required for nursing. I did pretty well in those courses, but despite this I was accepted into any programs. I was upset, but I was not about to give up on an opportunity to learn. I decided to look the human biology program at UT, I loved it. The University of Texas is perfect for me. I love everything at UT, its tradition, its stride to be the best, and its natural sciences program. The University of Texas at Austin is a leader in research funding and spends millions each year to make certain that they have the most up to date equipment and renowned staff in Texas. This is reason I want attend University of Texas and learn from what the best world has to offer.

The University of Texas is best opportunity achieve my goals in life: to gain more knowledge and get a degree. I may not be the average student, but I think it gives me an edge, because I realize the value of an education and it's something I won't give up. With the human biology degree I hope pursue at the University of Texas, I will use my knowledge I gained and make contribution to my community and the world.

Notoman 20 / 419  
Jun 1, 2010   #2
Let me give you a couple of quick pointers before I retire for the night ...

Through my life I had always had a love for science.

Use "throughout" instead of "through" here. "Throughout" denotes time while "through" is more associated with space/location.

I have always been particularly interested in the science of life, biology.

Try to punch up the verbs whenever you can with the active voice instead of the passive (any form of "to be"). Using the active voice also takes the words count down and allows you to put in more "meat" and less "cotton candy." The "biology" tacked onto the end of this sentence is awkward. Try something like this instead: The science of life, biology, particularly interests me.

I have been interested in everything from the smallest organism to complex creatures such as elephants to bizarre plants.

You used the word "interests" in the previous sentence. You can repeat words, but I feel like it is best to mix it up some. This sentence is another example of how you could take things into the active voice: Everything from the smallest organism to complex creatures such as elephants to bizarre plants captivates me.

Everything about life in general was fascinating.

Was? It isn't any more? The verb tenses are jumping around a bit in your piece. Try to smooth out the past/present/future/past/future/past/present issues as much as possible.

That's all I can do tonight! I start school in the morning.
OP tep186 1 / 1  
Jun 1, 2010   #3
thanks for the quick help!! i
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Jun 1, 2010   #4
Hi there!

Nice work thus far on this essay. There are some mechanical issues throughout your statement (touched on by Kevin and Noto), but I trust you can find someone to help you work through the rest of those. What I'd like to do is give you some strategic suggestions on developing content for a transfer essay:

-I think the introduction can be streamlined. Ultimately, you don't have to dig so deep into the history of your love of science. This is about nursing, and what draws you to the career. I'd prefer to see an anecdote from some volunteer (nursing?) experience, which would be more compelling, sophisticated and relevant.

-I appreciate that you try to explain the dip in your academic performance. However, I still think you fail to inspire complete confidence. How did you regain your focus? What shifted inside you? Did you take on leadership or extracurricular roles in addition to your studies? How do those also reflect what you bring to a nursing program and/or medical team?

-I don't get a great sense of why you absolutely need to transfer to UT. Ultimately, that's your biggest task with this essay, to show why UT is a MUST to get you to the next point in your career/life path. 'Renowned faculty' is generic and can be said of thousands of programs. What's so different about the UT experience? This will require a little more research on your part. I'd suggest that you dig into the program, speak with other nursing students, and use that knowledge to inform your essay.

I hope these tips help, and I second everything said by Kevin and Noto.

Best of luck to you!!!

Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 2, 2010   #5
I think it's right that you try using passive voice.Your essay is superb.Keep on receiving feedbacks and work on them whole heartedly.
Charz 3 / 33  
Jun 2, 2010   #6
Please, let me hear what you have to say about my post about 'what I like apart from having fun? '. Thank you.

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