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'I love the sciences' - UVM Waitlist Letter


JonathanI20 1 / 2  
Apr 4, 2009   #1
Hello Essayforum mods. I was waitlisted from UVM, and I wanted to send a letter to help my case (I've got a terribly low GPA). I figured I should probably get some feedback on it before I send it, so this is it; I'm just looking for some general feedback. What do you think?

(It takes up one page single-spaced)


To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Jonathan Shahaf Inbar, and I have applied for admission to the University of Vermont for the Fall 2009 semester. Through this letter, I hope to give you a better understanding of who I am, because I do not believe any documents you posses can truly sum up my character and credentials. Complacently, this letter will become one such document; however I trust it will give a more three-dimensional image of me than my GPA can provide.

I should start with the fact that I will be getting a PhD in the future. Admittedly, I cannot know where I will be after my first four years of college, but I can assure you that every path I foresee my life taking involves getting the highest form of education available to me. One of these paths ends in me teaching college level particle physics. Others involve university-paid or government grant-funded biology research. Science is the heart of my passion to learn, and I am determined to make substantial contributions to the field within my lifetime.

I am currently in touch with professors and department heads from Harvard and Northeastern Universities (those two particularly because they are easily accessible and I am often in those areas practicing parkour) who are helping me plan an independent research project I am currently doing with a friend from my AP Biology class. Our new biology teacher is a student in college, and the department head at Brookline High School is a physics teacher, so we turned to professors in universities when my teachers couldn't provide definite answers. The project involves using hormones and other chemical signals to coax a Canadian Maple tree (a non-fruit bearing plant) to produce fruit.

Meanwhile, I am developing a scrabble-like game with my Quantum Mechanics teacher that will help college level students understand the world of subatomic particles. The game is the result of a project I took on to create a simple and logical "Periodic Table of Elementary Particles" that included both fermions and bosons. The project helped both me and my teacher understand how elemental particles behave, as well as how they interact and combine into baryons, mesons, and exotic hadrons.

While I can confidently say I love the sciences, a more recently acquired academic interest of mine is an appreciation for languages. When I started my high school career, I viewed learning language as useless and irritating. This outlook came from 7th and 8th grade French, through which I feel I have learnt little to nothing. I took Chinese in 9th grade for the opportunity to go to China on Brookline High School's infamous China Exchange Program. I was accepted as one of 8 students to participate in my junior year, and the experience changed my life. Since then, I have devoted myself to learning Chinese, but I also had a hunger to learn other languages. The sweet sound of spoken Italian and beautiful calligraphy of Arabic enticed me, and I wanted to learn those, too. Today, I have been selected as one of 20 finalists for a nationwide high school Chinese speech competition. It is as much an honor as it is an opportunity to learn more Chinese from the extra hours I spend practicing my speech with my Chinese teacher.

To further improve my Chinese studies, and as an opportunity to return to China, I plan to volunteer this summer as a children's English teacher in the GuangZhou province

The University of Vermont is one of my top-choice schools. I am eager to study on the beautiful campus and am already anxious to join a few programs and classes I have read about online. If accepted for admittance, it is very likely I will choose to attend. I appreciate your careful consideration of my application.

Best Regards,
Jonathan S. Inbar
FDeacon 2 / 9  
Apr 4, 2009   #2
I'm at work at the moment and don't have time for a lot of the points that I'm sure one of the contributors will post about, but there is one critical point that stood out to me...

"... it is very likely I will choose to attend."

This gave me the impression that you were considering other schools above the University of Vermont.
OP JonathanI20 1 / 2  
Apr 4, 2009   #3
That's true, but it's just one other school, and I have yet to hear back from them. Is there a better way to convey the message that I'll only very probably be going to UVM?

Or should I tell them if they accept me I'll definitely go, and then just ditch if I get accepted to the other school?

(by the way in the actual letter the word "will" is bolded in the sentence
"I should start with the fact that i will be getting a PhD..."
FDeacon 2 / 9  
Apr 4, 2009   #4
Definitely the latter ;)
OP JonathanI20 1 / 2  
Apr 4, 2009   #5
okay, thanks. I'll change it now.

The sentence now reads
"If accepted for admittance, I will definitely choose to attend."
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 4, 2009   #6
Overall this is a well-written enough letter. If you are writing it to try to balance out your low GPA, though, perhaps you should explain why it was so low? Or maybe you covered that in your initial application? A couple of minor things:

"Complacently, this letter will become one such document;" Complacently is the wrong word. Revise.

"I took Chinese in 9th grade for the opportunity to go to China on Brookline High School's infamous China Exchange Program." Why infamous? Is it particularly bad?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 5, 2009   #7
Complacently This letter may indeed become one such document, but...

Above, I don't think "complacently" works in that use.

Wow, good luck with this! I admire your eloquence and perseverence.

I guess I think that you should try to reduce the number of words dedicated to telling about science and the recent acquisition of interest in language (keep them, but shorten them), and spend a paragraph expressing your vision for the FUTURE instead. Spend a paragraph explaining what you want to do with your education at this school and after you graduate. Show that, even though you lacked motivation when letting your GPA sink, you do have motivation now. You certainly write well, so it should work out for you! Good luck!


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