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Not a Love Story - UT Person of Influence


patorooni 4 / 17  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
This is the last essay I have left. Take a look at it and I will be happy to take a look at any of your threads. Thanks!

Title: This Is Not a Love Story

It was nine o'clock on a Saturday night and I was suited up in a white cowboy hat, a maroon and beige plaid shirt, black wrangler jeans, and black lizard skin cowboy boots. I was at my friend Juan's house, waiting for his friend Jaime to arrive. Juan, Jaime, and I were about to go to a Norteńa dance club. Among the three of us, I was the only one who had never been to a club. I was also the only one who had not been brought up under the influence of Mexican culture. Although I knew that I would feel somewhat out of place, I decided to go because I was curious about entering an environment that seemed so foreign to me. I had no intention of finding a girl who would change my perspective and approach to new people and experiences. I just wanted to see what the place was like.

After a short wait and a car-ride, we arrived at the club. As I expected, I found myself immersed in something completely new to me. Although my mother is from Nicaragua and I speak Spanish, all the music was unfamiliar to me and the dances were a far cry from those I had been exposed to at school events like homecoming and prom. I wanted to get on the dance-floor and start dancing, but I lacked the confidence to do so because I had no idea how to dance like everyone else was. So instead I talked to Juan and Jaime for a few minutes. After a while, it became obvious that both of them wanted to find some girls and start dancing; I was holding them back. Though I did not want to keep them from having a good time, I also had no intention of stepping onto the dance floor, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom, telling them that I would find them when I was done.

As I expected, they were on the dance floor by the time I exited the crowded restroom. Moving to the beat of the loud Cumbia song that playing, Juan spotted me and called me over. It seemed that I was going to be dancing after all. Very reluctantly, I walked over to him. "Go ask that girl to dance," he told me as his eyes moved towards the girl next to the girl with whom he was dancing.

As I gathered the courage to ask her to dance, I kept thinking of negative outcomes. Maybe she'd just say "No." Maybe she'd maniacally laugh in my face. Maybe she'd say yes, only to walk away from me in mid-dance, telling me "You suck this."

Ultimately, however, I manned up and introduced myself to the girl, whose name was Gabi, and asked her if she'd like to dance. To my relief, she said yes. It was really fun. She laughed a bit as we got started, but she also gave me useful feedback on my Latin rhythm skills. "You're getting better at this," she'd tell me. Gabi was a great dance partner: she was kind, patient, and nothing like the scary person I kept envisioning before I introduced myself to her. By the time Juan, Jaime, and I left the club, I was proficient in dancing to Norteńa and Cumbia songs.

Though I haven't seen Gabi since the night I met her, she is a person of influence to me because she helped me get over my fear of rejection by simply saying "Yes." Dancing with her made me realize how ridiculous it was of me to allow this fear to control me. I am no longer too bashful ask questions I want to ask, to talk to people I don't know very well, or to ask a girl to dance. Thanks to Gabi, I am able to go outside of my comfort zone and actively engage in new things.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Nov 13, 2009   #2
This is coming out very well, you're a good writer!

Moving to the beat of the loud Cumbia song that was playing,...

Maybe she'd maniacally laugh in my face. Maybe she'd say yes, only to walk away from me in mid-dance, telling me "You suck at this." (?)

It was really fun.
You could leave this little sentence out, it"s not up to par with the rest of your essay.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 13, 2009   #3
Experiment with giving less detail:
...I was at my friend Juan's house, waiting for his friend Jaime to arrive.

...far cry from those to which I had been exposed at school events like homecoming and prom.

Nice! This is a cool story. Find her on facebook...

Don't use "manned up," because it is a little chauvinistic.
OP patorooni 4 / 17  
Nov 13, 2009   #4
Thanks a lot for the advice guys! I've made all the changes you suggested. And haha, no luck on facebook.

I thought that it might be a good idea to provide an example of my change. So I decided to revise the last paragraph. Here is the revision. Read these three paragraphs as though they replaced the last one and let me know what you think.


Though I haven't seen Gabi since the night I met her, she is a person of influence to me because she helped me get over my fear of rejection by simply saying "Yes." Dancing with her made me realize how my allowing this fear to control me restricted me from a variety of great experiences.

Soon after this attitude shift, I began taking more risks, most notably at school. Whereas before I would have thought it impossible to make new friends senior year, I began talking to more and more of my classmates and found that I got along wonderfully with most of them. Though I wish I could have made these friends earlier in my high school career, I am glad that I was able to allow my group of friends to grow outside of people I have known since middle school or freshman year.

My development of new relationships at school is just one example of Gabi's impact on me. I am no longer too bashful ask questions I want to ask, to talk to people I don't know very well, or to ask a girl to dance. Thanks to Gabi, I am able to go outside of my comfort zone and actively engage in new things.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 15, 2009   #5
Nice job! This sentence may be better if it is shorter:
Dancing with her made me realize how my allowing this fear to control me had restricted me from a variety...

Great ending!!
glorfs 1 / 10  
Nov 15, 2009   #6
"but I lacked the confidence to do so because I had no idea how to dance like everyone else was. "

"she is a person of influence to me because she helped me get over my fear of rejection by simply saying "Yes." "

I'm wondering if the text in red is necessary.

Otherwise great essay. Really cute ending =)


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