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"I love to take long walks" - My Yale


Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Ok i just wrote this in my usaul tone so please try to help me edit this. Plus I'm kinda freacking out about applications so don't be too harsh

I love to take long walks

The hot, barren ambiance that cascades over the Ghanaian dust bowl, the boisterous streets of Jamaica New York with its hints of iniquity and disgust, and the definitive beauty of Maryland's placid nature and its haven for tranquility all encompass my ever-changing world. This world has taught me to perceive beauty in desolation, to grasp Theroux's "simplicity, simplicity, simplicity" when surrounded by the gratuitous complexities of municipality, and to find solitude in accepting my insignificance when surrounded by nature's true beauty and its inherent placidity. I have attained these lessons only though my compulsion to explore or, what is coined by the selective populace on dating sites as "I love to take long walks".

Even today I still hold the urge to take long walks. I've realized that I do so not to escape situations of distress and discomfort but to search for an answer. When I strolled down the unpaved roads of Ghana I met wise men who truly understood the country's beauty. When they walked out every morning they didn't huddle to their cars rushing to go to work, rather they saw the sun thrown far across the horizon, vibrant with light and color, and felt like it was placed there just to make them smile. When I walked down the sullied roads of Jamaica New York I met poets who viewed street violence and hood culture as the archetype of true humanity and acknowledged the city for its rat race culture. These lessons combined with my family's compassion, motivation, and slight aggravations establish my dreams and aspirations. My Ghanaian culture forces me to aspire to greatness, to combat the stigma that those who remain rooted in Africa hold no place among the world's elite and can never contribute to the archetype of success and intellectualism. My perception of urban culture forces me to grasp the human condition, I understand our compulsion for injustice and yet I extol our ability to realize integrity and morality. Such perception also allows me to attempt to attain integrity, sincerity and other characteristics of morality. Walking through my ever-changing world forces me to aspire to greatness and become a better person, but after all I still just love to take long walks
Ukeboy 2 / 9  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
Wow, that was completely brilliant. Well written and it flowed beautifully.
However, you may want to rid yourself of contractions, because in formal writing contractions are "no no's".
OP Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
Thanks alot can you please pin point where i can improve
njanaye 3 / 9  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
Great essay, I LOVE the visuals as I read! A few minor corrections though.

The hot, barren ambiance that cascades over the Ghanaian dust bowl, the boisterous streets of Jamaica, New York with its hints of iniquity and disgust, and the definitive beauty of Maryland's placid nature and its haven for tranquility all encompass my ever-changing world. While taking walks I note the affective advanment each community produces. This world has taught me to perceive beauty in desolation, to grasp Theroux's "simplicity, simplicity, simplicity" when surrounded by the gratuitous complexities of municipality, and to find solitude in accepting my insignificance when surrounded by nature's true beauty and its inherent placidity. I have attained these lessons only though my compulsion to explore or, what is coined by the selective populace on dating sites as "I love to take long walks".

(New paragraph)
Even today I still hold the urge to take long walks. I've realized in doing so I am not escaping situations of distress and discomfort but to search for an answer. As I strolled down the unpaved roads of Ghana I met wise men who truly understood the beauty of their country. While others began his/her day, they didn't hurry to their cars rushing of to work, rather they saw the sun thrown far across the horizon, vibrant with light and color, and felt like it was placed there just to make them smile. While I walked down the sullied roads of Jamaica, New York, I met poets who viewed street violence and hood culture as the archetype of true humanity and acknowledged the city for its rat race culture. These lessons combined with my family's compassion, motivation, and slight aggravations establish my dreams and aspirations. My Ghanaian culture forces me to aspire to greatness, to combat the stigma that those who remain rooted in Africa hold no place among the world's elite and can never contribute to the archetype of success and intellectualism.

(New paragraph)
The perception of urban culture forced me to grasp the human condition. I understand the compulsion for injustice and yet I extol the ability to realize integrity and morality within people today . Such perception also allows me to attain integrity, sincerity and other such characteristics of morality. Walking through this ever-changing world forced me to aspire greatness and to become a better person, but after all I just love to take long walks.
OP Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Thanks alot for the help
yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
other than the minor grammatical errors njanaye indicated I think it's great!
I love the description and the way you 'show' and not tell.
overall, really good and I don't really think you need much more help...
abatado /  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
Hey, seems like a lot of people helped you out already. From the looks of it, you don't really need much help :), but you might want to change the second "integrity" with another word (same goes for morality). Since you use it in consecutive sentences, it sounds a little redundant. Other than that, great essay!
OP Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
Thanks alot i didn't notice that
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
Well, someone was paying attention when they talked about sensory language in English!! Your essay includes beautiful visuals and is very descriptive. One thing you may want to consider however, is actually dumbing down the vocabulary a little bit though. Yale is going to want you to pepper in some college level vocab, but don't oversaturate it with huge words, because it becomes slightly difficult to read. Minor quarrel though, and don't freak out, I'm sure you will do just fine!
OP Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
Ok thanks so i should revise to make it more fluid and natural to read
em2always 15 / 79  
Dec 30, 2010   #11
yes most def that would help, good job thoughh
njanaye 3 / 9  
Dec 30, 2010   #12
all the suggestions are great to keep in mind hopefully the finished product is mind blowing!
OP Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #13
Thanks to everyone i hope admissions officers like the finished product
OP Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 31, 2010   #14
Are there any last minute grammer mistakes, i'm about to hand this in
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 29, 2011   #15
It's that first sentence that is tough to understand. It really took me a few tries to follow it, and I am usually good at this stuff. I love the complexity of the way you think, but you should use simplicity in the way you write. That is now to make each idea as effective as possible.

:-)


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