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Love for writing/ Gap year/ Journalism


zdv 12 / 68 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
i promise i will look at your essay.
hey everyone, this is my essay for the reason why i took a gap year and what i did. please take a look at it and help me as much as you can. do you like it? also help me cut down on the words as im exceeding. thanks. I love you all.

When words fall short out of your mouth, your hands start speaking. In my case, they do. A socially awkward person; someone who does not always know how to open or carry a conversation, I have always had difficulty in expressing my feelings. I would sit beside a person in a bus and spend the entire time plotting how to approach them. "I should say hi" I would think, "or ask them where they're going". I would finally have the appropriate words, just to look beside me and realize they had already left. For such a person, writing has always been a medium where I did not have to shy away or think for hours how I should start. As I hold the pen (or the keyboard these days), my hands automatically start moving. Therefore, when the opportunity of becoming a writer in a magazine arrived, I could not refuse.

Journalism has been one of my various passions since childhood. When I was small, I remember acting like an anchor and reading a story book in the best possible tone I could. Although, I am not an anchor today, writing for a magazine has been just as delightful. All the things and all my opinions that I had not been able to share orally, I could now share through my writing. I could now directly address the audience and there were no rules like those in academic writing. I felt free.

As I look back at the gap year I took, I believe it was worth it. I had a chance to explore my passion for writing. Having a paid job, I learned the value of money as I realized how painful it was to spend my own earning. With the interviews I conducted I was even able to overcome a lot of my awkwardness. Not only did my writing improve, but I believe I improved as a person. I have become more mature, more responsible and I can feel this change within me.

Nevertheless, I learned the freestyle dancing form, served my community, went on a tour to the most beautiful place, Pokhara, I still believe that this job as a writer has helped me grow the most and has made my stay worthwhile.

alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
Hi there,

I really like your introduction! But I think the concluding sentence doesn't really fit. I say take it out completely or if you like mention somewhere else in the essay that you did a lot of other stuff but the job as a writer was the most rewarding.

Also are you applying for freshman year university now? If so, I think you should indicate that you feel like you can be more successful in university now.

Please take a look at my carnegie mellon supplement essay. All suggestions or comments are greatly appreciated.
OP zdv 12 / 68 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
thank you alicederp. i have looked at ur carnegie mellon essay. any advice on how to cut it down?
mzontario 9 / 43  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
zdv
A socially awkward person; someone who does not always know how to open or carry a conversation

Weird use of a semi - colon.

I agree with Alice, the conclusion was a bit random

Also, how did you overcome your awkwardness. Give a few examples - you confidently made friends, etc. Be specific in the positive outcomes. : )

Other than that, great!
VVCepheiA 11 / 30 3  
Dec 31, 2012   #5
I really like your essay!
A few suggestions:
Personally I think this is unnecessary. Your theme is your love for writing, right?
Focus more on your theme and you can cut off some digressed descriptions to shorten it :)
qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #6
When words fall short out of your mouth, your hands start speaking. At least in my case, they do. I see myself as a socially awkward person. Being someone who does not always know how to open or carry a conversation, I have always had difficulty in expressing my feelings. I would sit beside a person in a bus and spend the entire time plotting how to approach them. "I should say hi" I would think, "or ask them where they're going". I would finally have the appropriate words, just to look beside me and realize they had already left. For such a person, writing has always been a medium where I did not have to shy away or think for hours how I should start. As I hold the pen (or the keyboard these days), my hands automatically start moving. Therefore, when the opportunity of becoming a writer in a magazine arrived, I could not refuse.

Journalism has been one of my various passions since childhood. When I was small, I remember acting like an anchor and reading a story book in the best possible tone I could. Although, I am not an anchor today, writing for a magazine has been just as delightful. All the things and all my opinions that I had not been able to share orally, I could now share through my writing. I could now directly address the audience and let my imagination run wild, there were no rules like those in academic writing. I felt free.

As I look back at the gap year I took, I believe it was worth it. I had a chance to explore my passion for writing. Having a paid job, I learned the value of money as I realized how painful it was to spend my own earning. With the interviews I conducted I was even able to overcome a lot of(slang- much? a large amount?) my awkwardness. Not only did my writing improve, but I believe I improved as a person. I have become more mature, more responsible,and ; I can feel this change within me.

Nevertheless, Although I also learned how to dance freestyle, served my community, and went on a tour to the most beautiful place, Pokhara, I believe that this job as a writer has helped me grow the most and has made my gap year worthwhile.

overall, good essay. i hope I helped. good luck and happy new year! :)
qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #7
Oh and please look at mine too. Thanks :)
OP zdv 12 / 68 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #8
Thank you all of you. Im sorry i have not been able to look at your essay because my internet was down for a few days. But i am looking at them now. Anyway, this is the edited version of my essay. Please give me more feedback. :)

The Reality of a Writer's Dream
When words fall short out of your mouth, your hands start speaking. At least in my case, they do. Being a socially awkward person, someone who does not always know how to open or carry a conversation, I have always had difficulty in expressing my feelings. When I sit beside a person in the, I spend the entire time plotting how to approach them. When I finally have the appropriate words, I realize they have already left. For such a person, writing has always been a way to express myself without having to shy away or think for hours on how to start. As I hold the pen (or the keyboard these days), my hands automatically start moving. Therefore, when the opportunity of becoming a writer in a magazine arrived, I could not refuse.

Journalism has been one of my various passions since childhood. When I was small, I remember acting like an anchor and reading a story book in the best possible tone I could. Although, I am not an anchor today, writing for a magazine has been just as delightful. All the things and all my opinions that I had not been able to share orally, I could now share through my writing. I could now directly address the audience and let my imagination run wid. There were no rules like those in academic writing. I felt free.

As I look back at the gap year I took, I believe it was worth it. I had a chance to explore my passion for writing. Before starting on my career path, I had this opportunity to do something I loved without worrying that one mistake could jeopardize my entire future. With a paid job, I learned the value of money when it caused me pain to spend my own earning. This, I believe will help me be more responsible with money when I commence my life as an independent in college. With the interviews I conducted, I was even able to overcome much of my awkwardness. I could now address random people on the street and ask them of their opinion on a certain issue. I made many new friends at my workplace and am confident that I will be able to in college as well. Not only did my writing improve, but I have improved as a person. I have become more mature, more responsible and I am better prepared for university now than ever.

The rest of my spare time, I spent doing or learning things I had always wanted to. I learned the freestyle dancing form whereby I was introduced to many other forms. I served my community by engaging in a youth group and planning and working for the betterment of society. I went on a tour to the most beautiful place of my country, Pokhara and have more of such tours planned for the rest of the year. For my adventurous side, I also plan to fulfill my desires of bungee-jumping and paragliding which I presume will help me overcome my fear of heights. Although I have already done all this and am planning to do more, I still believe that the job as a writer has helped me grow the most and has made my stay worthwhile.
hughj 2 / 21 8  
Jan 3, 2013   #9
I think you should give another reason as to why you like writing. Colleges like extroverted people, which, if not for the beginning, the journalism part would make you seem like. There have got to be other reasons you like writing eh?


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