Hello!! Please help me with my writing..I will give a little introduction of myself: im a high school graduate, I was looking for a job during the summer but i didnt get any, besides i began my own business and it's going great thanks God..this is my admissions essay about that because I want to major in finance at SUNY Old Westbury
All improvements accepted ;)
SUNY Application Essay - Please describe an experience that has impacted your educational goals, and explain how the College at Old Westbury can help you accomplish them.
I always loved art, indeed, I'm an artist. I studied oil painting about two years ago, and pursued into it until last summer. After finishing high school, and desiring more independence, I sought for a job during the summer. But, because of my age, I got nothing. So, that was when I decided to open my own business with my art.
At first, I did painting works for a friend who sold the products to an online store owner. It was quite good because I had an assured job, of course earning less, but assured. Sometime after, my mother took some decoupage and painting classes, and we began selling our art to some friends. We felt it was better to independence and do our business.
Using facebook and blogger for promotion, I created a profile where people could see our art. It was really frustrating at the beginnings because we didn't have any comments; I wondered we failed. Though things did not seem to work out, I decided to invest part of my college savings on my business; I was confident I could make my little business grow with some new strategies.
I bought new products, used new techniques and added as much people as I could in my bio site. With the new introductions, people began asking about my art, and interested people began appearing. As the days passed, my business grew a lot, from nothing to a real microenterprise. This morning I delivered several products to a new costumer, who, seeing the quality of the work, asked me to make more products for her. Even a TV program invited my mom and me to show our project. This is the real proof of how our perseverance and effort built our own business.
I took serial challenges with my project, I handled them the best I could and I took advantage of opportunities to make it true. I want to expand my business to new campuses in pastries and canastas. That is my goal right now, but I need a good education to accomplish it. I am confident that the finance program at The College at Old Westbury will provide me the best tools for my business growing. With its curriculum focused in financial analysis and financial planning, I will learn how to manage my investments and profits in the best way. Also, I am willing to contribute my best qualities for the university, and I am committed to meet the university's high standards. I am sure The College at Old Westbury's finance program will really help me accomplishing my educational and professional goals.
Umm, I like the start but i would like it even more if you end it with 'indeed, I can say sincerely now that I am an artist.' That would highlight that ARTIST in you in more than just one way. ARTIST as a painter, ARTIST as an Entrepreneur, ARTIST in you mode of business acumen (because artist refers to someone whos creative -not just someone who paints!)... The line would mark the perfect culmination to all of your hardwork.(of course thats only my opinion!)
Also, A short beginning line is more crisp and has more effect on the reader. 'I have always loved(maybe something a little more passionate instead of loved?)art'.I studied oil painting about two ....
Include the other part of this line in a conclusion paragraph.
Best of Luck and congratulations on your accomplishments!
"I always loved sketches" -Cornell Suplement - Architecture, art and Planning school
Hello, I am applying to Cornell's Architecture program, please help me to improve my essay! hope you have a great day
College of Architecture, Art, and Planning:
How does the major you would like to study in the College of Architecture, Art, and Planning match your intellectual, academic, and career interests? Discuss any activities you have engaged in that are relevant to your chosen major.
I definitively want to major in Architecture. I always loved sketches. When I was a child, I used to spend hours sketching cartoons and landscapes. I can surely say that I found some kind of great pleasure in drawing. And handicrafts were the maximum expression of my creative mind. In my sophomore year, I took painting classes. I painted as much as time was given. However, the amount of time I could dedicate to my painting decreased because of the school work, and, eventually, I stopped painting.
After finishing school, and desiring more independence from my parents, I sought for a job. I went to many job interviews, but my lack of experience did not make me a good candidate. A friend invited me to paint and prepare some handicrafts to make some money. Without any doubt I went for it. At first, it was quite good to have a secure job. But I did not want to work for a single person and don't have the opportunity to present my works as mine. So, sometime after, I began creating my own pieces and sold them to close friends. I felt it was time to be independent.
Using the internet as my main work tool, I created a profile for my business. I uploaded photos of some of my works on an album, and people began placing orders on them. It was amazing the amount of fans my products had; that encouraged me to continue. I bought new products and learned new paint techniques from internet. Innovation was one of my goals. With the new introductions, more and more people began asking about my products. Soon I expanded my products from canvases and wood pieces to ceramics and even events atmosphere. And new photos were added to the album as orders came. It was a total success.
My business grew more and more with the pass of the days, from nothing to a real microenterprise. For example, this morning I delivered several products to a new costumer, who, seeing the quality of the work, asked me for more products. Even a TV program invited my mom and me to show the business. This is a real proof of how perseverance and vision built my own business.
I took serial challenges in my project in the form of critics from acquaintances and moments of weakness. But my entrepreneur spirit and eagerness to do what I want were greater. I handled problems the best I could and I took advantage of the opportunities I was given. Designing has become my passion, and the time I had in my business made me clearly see what I want to do in the future. My goal is to become an Architect and own a construction firm in the future. I am confident that the Architecture program at Cornell College of Architecture, Art and Planning will provide me the best tools to accomplish this. At Cornell I will be able to expand my creativeness and acquire the knowledge to perform a professional career. The students' diversity the university has will help me to open my mind to new ideas; as well I will contribute to the university with my ideas, background and enthusiasm. I am willing to contribute with commitment to meet the university's high standards. I am sure that an education at Cornell College of Architecture, Art and Planning will really help me accomplishing my intellectual, academic and career goals.
I revised it and I think this one is better..
any suggestions are welcomed!
I definitively want to major in Architecture .
I always loved sketches.
Let's get rid of these sentences and start with:
When I was a child, I used to spend hours sketching ....to my painting decreased because of the school work, and, eventually, I stopped painting. (Right here, add a sentence telling that you are turning your attention to architecture.)
Capitalize Internet.
Designing Design has become my ...------ Well, are you sure architecture is what you want? You can get involved with "design activism" and be involved with many types of design, not just architecture. The essay, as it is, leaves me wondering if architecture is really the right choice. I think they'll be impressed, though!
i like all sort of design..right now for example im doing event decoration work..but i think architecture is more suitable for me, my father is a civil engineer and I work with him and some architects, I really like it. I'm wondering how to add that, and how to add my experience in volunteer work building and repairing emergency houses for the homeless of my country..I dont want to lose the focus
thanks kevin for your help!
