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I loved fighting; Personal statement for University of Arizona


jk17 6 / 9  
Nov 16, 2009   #1
Alittle roughdraft. I am not good at writing and I really would like to get accepted to University of Arizona. Corrections and tips?

Personal Statement-For All Freshman Applicants: A personal statement is our best means of getting to know you and your best means of putting your academic performance and activities in the context of your life. There are no "wrong" answers. When you write your personal statement, tell us about those aspects of your life that are not evident from your academic record. Because personal statements are brief, they usually focus on one aspect of a student's life. For example, you could focus on a character-defining moment, a cultural awareness, a challenge faced, family background or cultural heritage, individual talents, academic commitment, or extracurricular activities. Tell us what you would like us to know about you in considering you for admission and/or scholarships. If you choose not to submit a personal statement at this time, you may send additional pages to the Office of Admissions. Be sure to put your name and date of birth on the top of the page. Please limit your answer to fewer than 500 words.

I am interested in becoming a Criminology. Majoring in Forensic Sciences is very interesting to me. To conduct research and solving criminal cases. Classes of biology or chemistry will definitely help build the skills that I need. I have taken chemistry last year and it is definitely a very thought-provoking course. Anybody who wants to major in any type of career must need a post-secondary education.

Both of my parents were born from China. They never went to school in the United States, but they finished their education in China. Although they have a hard time speaking English, they can still understand and read it. They moved and settled in the United States knowing it would open up many doors and opportunities for their children. After, they moved to Arizona, I was born. I have two older siblings, one brother and one sister. They are both attending college to receive their bachelor's degree. My sister, Diana is majoring in Pharmacy and my brother, Raymond is majoring in Dentistry.

Since I was a kid, I loved fighting. I am not an aggravated person, but fighting is something I enjoy doing. I was one of the strongest and most athletic kids during P.E. class. I am always competitive in everything from academics to sports. In the Freshman year of high school I was involved in a street fight due to saving my cousin's life. The fight happened out of nowhere when three guys beat him nearly to death and I was the only one to defend him. Although they were twice my size, I took on all of them by myself. Afterwards, I begin working out and training in mixed martial arts which is often self-taught. I began wrestling during my Junior of high school. Building muscle, staying healthy and getting strong was a priority.

I don't like depending on my parents or other people. I am an independent person who wants to accomplish goals by myself. I work very hard to save up money. Every time I get paid with allowance, I would put the money in the bank. My parents have always worked at a family owned restaurant. I would always help out at their restaurant since I was a kid. They have taught me a lot about managing a business. By the time I was 16, my parent's wanted to help me pay for my first car. I told them not to because I have saved up enough money to buy my own vehicle. It took nearly three to four years, saving up enough money. Dedication and hard work pays off. I remember saving extra change daily by not eating out and spending less on clothing.

It's hard to find true friends who are trustworthy and honest. One thing is for sure, my family will always be there for me. I want to make my parents proud of me. They are my soul support. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I have made many bad decisions in my life. All the trouble that I have been through is stressful, but I have made it through this far and I am not willing to give up. It seemed everywhere I went, I always get in trouble with the law. Usually it is from my friends peer pressure. I think I am different than many other teenagers. I do not drink, smoke or do drugs. I want a change in my life and I am willing to make a difference. I want to go to college and get a good career. My biggest concern is failing and letting my parents down. No matter what, I'm never going to give up on my goals and dreams. I believe everybody should be given a chance to change their life.
reptar28 1 / 2  
Nov 16, 2009   #2
I am interested in becoming a Criminology. Majoring in Forensic Sciences has always been an interest of mine . To conduct research and solving criminal cases. <---NOT A SENTENCE Classes in biology or chemistry will definitely help build the skills that I need. I have taken chemistry last year and it is definitely a very thought-provoking course. Anybody who wants to major in any type of career must need a post-secondary education.<--this sentence seems out of place and doesn't serve as a transition to the next paragraph

Both of my parents were born in China. They never went to school in the United States, but they finished their education in China. Although they have a hard time speaking English, they can still understand and read it. They moved and settled in the United States knowing it would open up many doors and opportunities for their children. After, they moved to Arizona, I was born. I have two older siblings, one brother and one sister. They are both attending college to receive their bachelor's degree. My sister, Diana is majoring in Pharmacy and my brother, Raymond is majoring in Dentistry.

Since I was a kid, I loved fighting. I am not an aggravated person, but fighting is something I enjoy doing. I was one of the strongest and most athletic kids during P.E. class. I am always competitive in everything from academics to sports. In my Freshman year of high school I was involved in a street fight due to savingsounds awkward my cousin's life. The fight happened out of nowhere when three guys beat him nearly to death and I was the only one to defend him. Although they were twice my size, I took on all of them by myself. Afterwards, I began working out and training in mixed martial arts which is often self-taught. I began wrestling during my Junior year of high school. Building muscle, staying healthy and getting strong was a priority.

I don't like depending on my parents or other people. I am an independent person who wants to accomplish goals by himself . I work very hard to save up money. Every time I get paid with allowance, I would put the money in the bank. My parents have always worked at a family owned restaurant. I would always help out at their restaurant since I was a kid. They have taught me a lot about managing a business. By the time I was 16, my parent's wanted to help me pay for my first car. I told them not to because I had saved up enough money to buy my own vehicle. It took nearly three to four years, saving up enough money for a car, proving that dedication and hard work pays off. I remember saving extra change daily by not eating out and spending less on clothing.

It's hard to find true friends who are trustworthy and honest. One thing is for sure, my family will always be there for me. I want to make my parents proud of me. They are my sole support. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I have made many bad decisions in my life. All the trouble that I have been through is stressful, but I have made it through this far and I am not willing to give up. It seemed everywhere I went, I always get in trouble with the law. Usually it is from my friends peer pressure. I think I am different than many other teenagers. I do not drink, smoke or do drugs. I want a change in my life and I am willing to make a difference. I want to go to college and get a good career. My biggest concern is failing and letting my parents down. No matter what, I'm never going to give up on my goals and dreams. I believe everybody should be given a chance to change their life.

Last paragraph needs some work you mention bad decisions and bring in drugs etc. Seems kind of random going by the previous paragraphs. If I were you I'd add a little bit about why I think Im suited for UA, but thats just me.
Vulpix - / 71  
Nov 16, 2009   #3
My main concern with this essay is that the organization is not apparent, and your ideas are hard to follow. It seems a little like you're just addressing certain aspects of your life that you believe are important, but there really isn't much to tie everything together. I think it would be best if you could just focus on one specific aspect and really expand on it. Perhaps bring in some personal stories or anecdotes, and wrap everything up by relating it to your interest in the university and your major.

"I am interested in becoming a Criminology."
I think you mean, "I am interested in becoming a criminologist."

"Anybody who wants to major in any type of career must need a post-secondary education."
Get rid of this sentence- presumably, if you are applying to college, then you are interested in a post-secondary education.

" I am not an aggravated person, but fighting is something I enjoy doing."
Either change "aggravated" to "aggressive", or change the sentence to "I am not easily aggravated [...]". Also, you never really address why, exactly, you enjoy fighting. Is there a story to it? Maybe talk more about how you managed to channel that interest into sports or wrestling, as you briefly mentioned later.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 18, 2009   #4
I have to warn you... the admissions people might be prejudice against you if you include MMA and the love of fighting. It is better to express a love for the martial arts. I argue that getting involved in MMA is immoral, because the young adults you fight are not old enough to realize that a spinal cord is too precious to risk. Even if you disagree with me, you have to consider the possibility that the admissions person won't!

The fact that something is common or legal does not make it moral...


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