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"I loved the water" - UM Short Answer, Issue of Local Concern


aguafria22 5 / 17  
Dec 9, 2009   #1
Any advice and criticism will be greatly appreciated. Does the essay answer the prompt well? How about grammar spelling? Thanks so much in advance!!

Discuss an issue of local concern. Why is this issue important to you? How do you think it should be addressed? (approx. 500 words)

Growing up I loved the water; I think I learned how to swim before I could walk. I used to spend hours pretending I was a mermaid in Pinckney's Chain of Lakes. Summer was my favorite time of the year; being out on the water, summer breeze in my hair, out on the boat with my family. I've witnessed some of the most serene nature and breathtaking sunsets on the Huron River Chain of Lakes. I love everything about the Huron River Watershed; the smell of the water, ice-skating on winter's frozen lakes, the snapping turtles perched on the fallen trees, the sandy beaches, canoeing from Dexter to Ann Arbor; the river has been and will always be a significant part of my life. I want it to protected so it can thrive for many generations to come.

Not only does the Huron River Watershed bring exquisite beauty to South Eastern Michigan but also supplies drinking water for about 150,000 people. Unfortunately, like many of Earth's water systems, development, soil erosion, impaired water bodies, and non-point source pollution threaten the river. Since people are the source of most threats to our water systems we must protect them! Careless human behavior compromises our water quality and ultimately the health of local plant and animal species, including us. The majority of the pollutants found in the Huron River Watershed come from local residents. Runoff water from creeks and storm drains flows into our river, on its route it is polluted with fertilizer, pesticide, pharmaceuticals, oil, automotive fluids, and many other household products. Cleaning the bathroom, washing the car, or flushing medicine are all deemed harmless but in reality these common practices, without precaution, can pose threat to our local water sources. All these pollutants lead to too much phosphorus in the water systems, depriving the water of oxygen, and suffocating the plants and animals that live there.

People are the main source of pollutants found in the water; this means that everyone can do something to help clean up our beloved water source. I think the most important solution to this problem is awareness. Education is the best defense for cleaner water; more education means more people to fight for the protection of our water. Leading by example and getting the community involved is the best way to preserve our wonderful Huron River Watershed. I believe that most people would not choose a bright green lawn over clean drinking water. Alert neighbors to reduce, or better yet eliminate, the use of chemical fertilizers and pesticides on their lawn could create a positive impact in quality of our water. Urge friends and family to switch to environmentally friendly cleaning products and detergents; low to no phosphorus content. Wash the car at designated car washes and dispose of oil and other fluids properly. Teaching somebody else about the harmful effects of common pollutants have on our water source is the best way to protect them for the future.

The Huron River Watershed has been an important aspect of my life; spending time on the water has created lasting memories and I am grateful to live near such an amazing water source. I hope that the children of the future will be able to benefit from the Huron River Watershed as I have. Education and community involvement is the only chance we have to fight for clean water and keep the Huron River a thriving water system. Working together as a community and spreading the word about how to live greener so we can sustain our important fresh water sources.
Logical_Fella_C - / 33  
Dec 9, 2009   #2
I was more like a fish than a child.

Sounds pretty awkward. I think removing this bit would be a good idea.

I spent used to spend hours pretending I was a mermaid in Pinckney's Chain of Lakes.

This sounds better... to me.

Summerswerewas my favorite time of the year

my parents took my sisters and I me

I love the smell of the water, I love ice skating on winter's frozen lakes, I love the snapping turtles perched on the fallen trees, I love canoeing from Dexter to Ann Arbor

If you insist on using the repetition, then you should use semi-colons or periods instead of commas.

the Huron River Watershed has been and always will always be a significant part of my life.

I want it to be enjoyed,and protected by , and thrive for many generations to come.

I don't think it's the best way to fix the problem. But the preposition "for" doesn't work for either enjoyed or protected here.

Aside from its unique beauty and abundant space for leisure, the Huron River Watershed supplies drinking water for about 150,000 people.

Moving this sentence to right before the previous sentence seems more logical.

Unfortunately, the Huron River, like much of Earth's water systems, is being threatened by development, soil erosion, dams, impaired water bodies, and non-point source pollution.

"Nonpoint source pollution" is spelled without the "-". Also, what kind of development are you referring to? You mentioned dams, which could be thought of as a part of that development.

This is a lot to take on for a fragile eco-system.

I'm not too sure if by "a fragile eco-system" you were referring to the river. Again, discard the "-", as ecosystem is spelled without it. Plus, "this" should be replaced by "there", "to take" by "to be taken"... I suggest you just remove this sentence altogether.

The ideas in the second & third paragraphs are jumbled up. The best way to revise them would be to concentrate on describing the harmful effects of the pollutions in the second, and talk about the ways people could contribute to reduce the pollutions in the third.

The last paragraph is just a repetition of things you mentioned previoiusly, and thus, unnecessary. Focus more on answering the question: "How do you think it should be addressed?"

If I were you, I would briefly talk about how the government and the firms could also help to reduce pollution and add something like, "HOWEVER, the most solution to this problem is awareness..." and so on, though this sort of response sounds very, very hackneyed...:/

Hope this helps.
Good luck!
OP aguafria22 5 / 17  
Dec 10, 2009   #3
Thanks, great suggestions....
pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Dec 10, 2009   #4
Use positive words!
Dont say I think, or I tried, that throws away your credibility
OP aguafria22 5 / 17  
Dec 10, 2009   #5
I didn't really use think too often...could anyone proofread my updated draft?

Does the essay fit the prompt well? Is it too generic? Does it seem personal? Is it boring? Thanks everyone!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 12, 2009   #6
I think a comma is necessary here:
Growing up, I loved...

Somewhere near the start of that first paragraph, I think you should write a short, succinct sentence that names the threat that concerns you. The para goes on too long about what you love before it finally answers the question about what concerns you. In fact, the way you wrote this intro makes it the kind of essay that could be very good with a one-line intro sentence and then a paragraph break. for example:

Water pollution is an issue people hear about so often that they perhaps become numb to the reality of it.
(start new paragraph)
Growing up, I loved the water; I think...

That is just an idea I had for you...

Because of the very informative approach you took here, I think it would be super impressive if you cite 2 or 3 articles about the issue. Then, list the sources you cited at the end. This is something I often recommend, because people do not often cite sources in the admissions essay -- so it sets you apart.


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