Although I have revised it,anything you think I should add or edit would help!!!
Gracias
UC Prompt #1:
Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dream and aspirations.
For about ten years I lived in an apartment complex known as the Villa San Carlos. A grim neighborhood, the Villa San Carlos helped sculpt the person I am today. The Villa San Carlos has a sullied reputation and is associated with gang violence. The managers of the apartments were not involved with gangs but a majority of the residents were. The faded paint, graffiti on the walls, and constant yells from homes made it apparent that these were not the best apartments to live in.
As a little girl, the gang members my mother knew treated me as if I were a delicate flower; they were gentle and cared for me. However, when I did see another side of them, I was shocked; they were vicious, tough, and barbaric. Getting acquainted with the fellow gang members as a child, I never understood why a person would want to join a gang. But when I entered middle school, the idea of being a gang member became more enticing; being a gang member meant more than displaying myself as a tough person but staying connected with a group of people who supposedly would embrace each other when life got difficult to handle. When I entered the 7th grade; my interest in gangs increased. I never actually became a member of a gang, but I began to wear the colors and hang out with aspiring gangsters. People began to perceive me as a "mean" girl. I looked like one of those girls everyone feared because of the sour look on my face and my abrasive character; I spoke like a gangster, constantly swearing.
But as I entered high school, I began to think about what I wanted for myself. A close older cousin of mine helped me realize I had the potential to create a success of my life and these words of wisdom were brought upon one night when we were discussing our future. She had not paid attention in school and because of her lack of commitment she decided her future had already been set. She looked at me with watery eyes and said, "You are worth more than any one of these girls, don't be stupid and mess up your life." Those little words stuck with me; she made me reevaluate my life. I concluded that I did not want to turn into just another "Latina chola." I could not and would not fall into the stereotype of a Latina girl who would become another failure in society. I was determined to beat those odds and create a success of myself.
I was caught up in thinking about who I should feign to be in order to gain acceptance of my peers and neglected to think about what the right passage was for me. I realize I want to attend a university and surround myself with intellectuals who are going to positively affect society. I want to offer my ideas and share my experiences to help others who may be tempted to follow the bumpy path of what seems like an easy way out.
Growing up in the Villa San Carlos, I witnessed people get sucked into a whirlpool of problems because they were affiliated with gangs. The gang members either became addicted to drugs or were shot, and I refused to let that disastrous mess become my life because not many people I know were successful in withdrawing from a gang. I want to offer the world my mind and soul, and I will not waste my life by becoming a gang member.
Enduring any obstacle thrown my way, I am an individual who will fight for what I want. Although the Villa San Carlos helped shape the person I am today, I am glad my mother changed our residency because I feel the longer I would have stayed, the more vehement my desire would have been to become a gang member. I know who I am, and I have not need to follow anyone. I am accomplishing goals I have set for myself and becoming the young woman I always knew was deep down inside of me.
Oh and are we supposed to title the essays???
Wow, I think you did really well on this! I like how you describe the transition from your first frame of thinking and then to the next. You describe the place you come from well and answer that part of the prompt, but I think you need to elaborate more on the second part. What are your dreams and aspirations? How has your childhood helped you realize them? Hope this helps! :)
Thanks for the feedback!!!
It helps ALOT!!!
:)
it's well written and strong :)from your intro, i actually wanted to read your essay. you've well done putting topic sentences for most of paragraphs and you don't really have to title it but if you do, it will help readers to have your idea before read throu it. Wanna comment mine? :)
Thank You!!!
& your talking about the UC app, right???
Forsure son!!!
very nice essay, it's quite concise and nails the prompt clearly.
if you want to try and make the word count a little friendlier, try tying the second and third paragraphs together into something more compact :)
Thank You ralfsantacruz, I put the second & third paragraphs together, what do you think...
Everyone's feedback is welcomed. Oh, and it is now 690 words.
