Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
There are people who come into our lives and leave an everlasting impression inside each of us; in my life, Mr. Lundin was the "one." I first met him on my first day of high school. When I stepped into my fifth period biology class, the first thing that I noticed was Mr. Lundin's large frame. I was frightened a little by the pungent atmosphere permeating through his class and also by his evil smirk, but his physical similarity to Santa Claus put me at ease a bit.
Mr. Lundin was different from my usual teachers in that he never looked tired and showed devotion for teaching. His passion was so great that his spit was all over the face of the students who sat in the first row. Even though his class was the most time-consuming and demanding, I was determined to continue and take his AP Biology class during my junior year. The course was more rigorous than I had expected, but Mr. Lundin and his passion for teaching remained the same. My interest in the subject never faded and turned into an aspiration as we went deeper into neurobiology.
Mr. Lundin was not only a humorous teacher but also a considerate one. I often went to his class during lunch to prepare myself for the AP exam. One day he asked me what my dream was, but not knowing what to say, I evaded the question. He looked at me for a while and said "Well you got to have a dream. When you grow old, you'll know that achieving a dream is worth more than earning money." That night, reflecting upon what Mr. Lundin said, I knew that I wanted to model my life after him.
Having a teacher like Mr. Lundin was truly inspirational. His dedication to his students along with his zeal for biology sparked my passion to become a biology teacher. Before I met him, the only reason why I studied hard at school was because I did not want to disappoint my parents and because I wanted to become a daughter who could live up to their expectations. Nevertheless, Mr. Lundin metamorphosed me from a girl who only dreamt of 'success' with no particular meaning in it to a person who now has a steady purpose and a firm determination. Providing me with a concrete basis of what I want to do in life, Mr. Lundin is not only a great teacher but also a mentor to me. Throughout my life I have chosen roads surfaced with asphalt that are easy and safe to travel out of pressure and fear. I am still standing on a cold and hard asphalt road, watching the reachable yet distant horizon. But, unlike what it was before, this path now has a destination.
Hello everyone! Thanks for reading my essay!
Can you guys tell me if my essay is good(answers the prompt and is on tract) or bad?
Also any grammar corrections/ revisions would be much appreciated!
Again, Thanks for reading and have a nice day :)
This was beautiful. You manage to describe your biology teacher and show his influence on you with great detail. Maybe just some minor changes like "metamorphesed" may be changed into something like altered.
The last sentence may be reworded as : However, now this path has a destination.
I just changed my last sentence :) Thank you for the comment!
This is a good essay However i agree with your teachers, the conclusion comes out of no where. I like it but maybe put something like Mr.Lundin has helped me to chose a path by what i wanted not out of fear of the unkown or something like that.
I agree that the conclusion is a little awkward. It comes out of no where. Tie the conclusion to Mr. Lundin and you should be good (: Also improve some sentence wording like "Mr. Lundin is not only a great teacher but also a mentor to me."
* I revised it a little bit. Do you think this conclusion is better?
Mr. Lundin has set me on the path for a new direction in my life. Throughout my journey I have chosen roads surfaced with asphalt, out of pressure and fear. Those roads were smooth and safe to travel, but they were leading me nowhere. I am still standing on a cold and hard asphalt road, watching the reachable yet distant horizon. However, this path now has a destination.
Much better (: and maybe add something along the lines of "However, this path now has a destination thanks to the guidance of Mr. Lundin." Good job though!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I'm going to submit my essays right now :)! Thanks for the help!!!!!
