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Macaulay Essay: Ethical Dilemma- "Last Shot"


ineedhelpplease 1 / -  
Nov 9, 2011   #1
This is a very rough draft, so feel free to point out all and any corrections and tips to improve it. I know it's shorter than most essays, but I don't know what else to put in. PLEASE HELP.

"This is what we've been practicing for. All those drills, all that preparation, for this moment. It's all or nothing."

These petty attempts at motivation left an evanescent imprint on my mind. My coach's words repeated in my mind again and again, until I was facing the crowd, anxious to witness a miraculous comeback.

Thump, thump, thump. The resounding beats of my heart merge together with the crowd's enthusiastic cheering to produce a sensation I am all too familiar with. Pressure. The whistle blows, and the game is resumed. The opposition has possession and the lead. My coach screams "Guard a player!" and we routinely scramble to our spots. Having been in this situation countless times, I know to leave my man some space, so I can steal the ball once it's passed. The ball's up. Impulsively, I sprint for the ball, leaving the opposition trailing and nobody in front. I go up for the lay-up, and during the second I'm mid-flight, I think to myself. Should I make this lay-up, and be the unsuspecting hero, or should I pass it to the usual savior, my brother, who is just behind me. Regrettably, I pass it, and not expecting the pass, the ball goes off his chest and out of bounds. The crowd silents and heads are lowered. Especially mine. I walk off the court alone, blurring out the efforts to pacify my regret, reflecting on my decision.

Why did I pass that? Why didn't I trust myself to win the game for us?

Each time I think of this moment, I relate this dilemma to my life. I remember my foolishness and cowardice. I remember my lack of confidence to trust myself. I remember my naivete, always found myself relying on others, especially my older brother. But what happens when my brother gets too old to answer my frivolous queries? Would I crash and burn? I don't want to find out.

From then on, I realized that I cannot continue to confide in anybody too frequently. I learned to rely on myself, doing what I feel is right, and unafraid of failure. Herman Melville once said "He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great. Failure is the true test of greatness." I've learned to aim for the sky, because even if I fail, I'll still end up in the clouds.
voldymentor 1 / 5  
Nov 9, 2011   #2
"This is what we've been practicing for. All those drills, all that preparation, for this moment. It's all or nothing."

These petty attempts at motivation left an evanescent imprint on my mind. My coach's words repeated in my mind again and again, until I was facing the crowd, anxious to witness a miraculous comeback.

Thump, thump, thump. The resounding beats of my heart merge together with the crowd's enthusiastic cheering to produce a sensation I am all too familiar with. Pressure. The whistle blows, and the 1. game is resumed . The opposition has possession and the lead. My coach screams "Guard a player!" and we routinely scramble to our spots. Having been in this situation countless times, I know to leave my man some space, so I can steal the ball once it's passed. The ball's up. Impulsively, I sprint for the ball, leaving the opposition trailing and nobody in front. I go up for the lay-up, and during the second I'm mid-flight, I think to myself. Should I make this lay-up, and be the unsuspecting hero, or should I pass it to the usual savior, my brother, who is just behind me. Regrettably, I pass it, and not expecting the pass, the ball goes off his chest and out of bounds. The crowd 2. silents and heads are lowered. Especially mine. I walk off the court alone, blurring out the efforts to pacify my regret, reflecting on my 4. decision.

Why did I pass that? Why didn't I trust myself to win the game for us?

Each time I think of this moment, I relate this dilemma to my life. I remember my foolishness and cowardice. 5. I remember my lack of confidence to trust myself . I remember my naivete, always found myself relying on others, especially my older brother. But what happens when my brother gets too old to answer my frivolous queries? Would I crash and burn? I don't want to find out.

From then on, I realized that I cannot continue to confide in anybody too frequently. I learned to rely on myself, doing what I feel is right, and unafraid of failure. Herman Melville once said "He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great. Failure is the true test of greatness." I've learned to aim for the sky, because even if I fail, I'll still end up in the clouds.

1. the game resumes, keep it simple :)

Oh, try to take out the contractions; formal or informal writing, contractions should only be used in talk.

2. The crowd is silent (NEVER use a word that is not a verb and make it one...)
in that same sentence, say "heads lower.", and combine "especially mine" with that sentence, try to keep fragments out of it!

4. you need a stronger word for decision, i would try "mistake."
5. this seems redundant, i would just say lack of confidence.

Also, stick with once verb tense. You are changing way too many times!

I hope this helps a bit... I used Strunk & White's Elements of Style to help with revision, it's a neat little portable book all should use!


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