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"My Machiavellican Dilemma"-Common App Option #2


carotorres 2 / 4  
Oct 3, 2010   #1
I would really appreciate someone that evaluates my essay. I'm really not sure I'm responding the question the right way, or it could fit another option better, or maybe I'm not analyzing enought.

I'm not a native english speaker so please if you see any grammar error or something like that, tell me. I'm using this essay to apply to NYUAD


THANKS !!

"My Machiavellican Dilemma"

You can learn a lot about me just by asking the people from my school who I am. They will probably tell you I'm that overachiever girl with bold glasses who is always in the principal's office trying to get students' problem solved. They may also tell you that I am a girl who participates in as many activities as I can and that I am an idealistic "granola girl" with a "peace-and-love" thought. I guess that is why it came as no surprise I desire to study political science.

However, some time ago, I was shocked when a great friend of mine told me that he had enlisted in the army. Among the few words I was able to gesticulate at the moment, the most audible was "why?" He told me he wanted to return to our country all that it had given to him, I disagreed. As much as I tried to understand why he would put his life in risk in such an unnecessary way, I couldn't. In my opinion, war just brings more war. Nevertheless, my thoughts are quite distant from the crude reality. I live in Colombia, the country that set the standards of geniality in drug trafficking; the same country whose most famous exports are Pablo Escobar and Shakira, and the same one which hosts the oldest and largest insurgent group in the Americas. And much to my dismay it was true, as my friend told me, that violence has had diminished thanks to the strengthening of our military forces.

Even though he had strong arguments, I couldn't stop thinking of all the secondary effects war brings: heartbroken widows, orphan, and mothers without their sons. At that time, I considered soldiers violent animals that were stubborn enough to think shooting back at the enemies was the solution to our problems. What about a peaceful humanitarian dialogue, educating peasants so they won't get tricked with the socialist mask of these insurgent groups? What about giving them their rights...why can't we try other things other than war?

Two years have passed since that heated conversation; three great successes of our military forces have killed two head commanders and brought back to freedom fifteen hostages, including three Americans and former presidential candidate, Ingrid Betancourt. I still think that war is not the solution against the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, because I believe the problem goes beyond that. If we don't make a social change, there will still be ignorant peasants joining insurgent groups thinking that that their mission and vision are fair, or, in a worse scenario, other insurgent groups may arise from the people's unconformities. Until there is no change, we will still face this vicious cycle.

Nevertheless, as time has passed and my mind is progressively becoming more open, I realize I was no one to point at my friend or at any other person that supports the democratic security program from our government. Every time I watch in the news all what the guerrilla has done (killing innocent people, terrorizing and massacring entire towns, charging farmers fees while pointing their heads with a gun), I also metamorphose into a violent animal that thinks shooting Rambo-style is the only solution. Sometimes I feel ashamed of that sudden rage that invades me, but other times I understand it is human nature to respond in such way when you see and experience the suffering of something you are so attached to.

Even if it's hard for me to accept it, can Machiavelli be right? And when there's such a distressing situation, can you only rely on a not so ethical end? I want my country to finally experience peace, but I'm concerned this quest will rely only in attacking, retaliation, death and unnecessary bloodshed. My answer to this is I don't know. And what if I'm not completely sure about something? I'm young, and at this point, I don't think having doubts is bad, especially about something I'm passionate like politics. This just gives me more space for learning, breaking paradigms, acquiring new knowledge, changing and most important of all, growing as a person.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Oct 3, 2010   #2
...trying to get students' problems solved.

They may also tell you that I am a girl who participates in as many activities as I can and that I am an idealistic "granola girl" with a "peace-and-love" attitude.

I guess that is why it came as no surprise when I discovered my desire to study political science.

Run on sentence: all that it had given to him, I disagreed.
Do this: ... all that it had given to him. I disagreed.

Plural: heartbroken widows, orphans, and mothers without their sons.

...charging farmers fees while pointing guns at their heads), I also ...

Even if it's hard for me to accept it, can Machiavelli be right? ---- Machiavelli was a person I would not have gotten along with very well. However, when war is already present, it is important to learn from the wisdom of people like him and Sun Tsu, Miyamoto Musashi, and so on.

If you want to ask if he was "right," you have to quote him.
This is a very good essay, but the beginning does not go well with the end. I think you can revise the intro para so that it expresses the main idea instead of talking about your thick glasses and ... okay, I know what to do. It is great all except for the last sentence of the first paragraph. Change that last sentence so that it accomplishes more than just telling the reader pol. sci. is to be your major. Instead, tell them this:

It is not surprising that I chose to study political science, because I have strong opinions about urgent issues, but I also have been wrestling with a subject about which my views have been challenged: pacifism and war.

By doing that, you will be introducing the theme of the essay.
OP carotorres 2 / 4  
Oct 3, 2010   #3
Thank you Susan!
I made the respective changes...and you were right about the introduction. I still don't know how to put in my essay what you said about:

---- Machiavelli was a person I would not have gotten along with very well. However, when war is already present, it is important to learn from the wisdom of people like him and Sun Tsu, Miyamoto Musashi, and so on.

But I'm looking for a way, i guess it will be nice to show them I know other people beside Machiavelli :D

any other feedbacks would be welcomed!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 6, 2010   #4
I'm pretty sure Susan was just saying that as feedback, not necessarily as a suggestion that you should write that. I think she was telling you she would not have gotten along with them, but not that you should write that.

Oh... I see the most important point... you should quote him like susan said. If you say, "Could he be right?" then we need to see a quote.

:-)
OP carotorres 2 / 4  
Oct 16, 2010   #5
thank you soo much for your advises!


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