I'm in the processes of finishing my essay for Cornell and I would like some opinions. It is a rough draft so I am more concern about getting the main idea across that the grammar, but I would love to hear what you guys think about everything.
Thanks for your time!
"If you set goals and go after them with all the determination you can muster, your gifts will take you places that will amaze you."
Four years ago I made a decision that change my life completely: it changed the country I was living in, my friends, my proximity with my family, and created the strong foundation of the person that I had become.
Born and raised in Venezuela, my dad is an immigrant from Spain whose family moved to Venezuela in hopes of a better life. Through years of hard work and dedication, my grandparents were able to give my dad and his siblings everything that they need to become the accomplished set of individuals that they are now. The education that he received and his big set of goals made my dad grow up to become one of the best managers in the country and, most important, the person I admired the most. But what does this have to do with my reason to transferring to Cornell? The answer lies in something that my dad told me once, and that I never forgot: "We raise you and your siblings to be better persons than your mother and I am...which I know you will, because you never want to stop learning"
At 17 years old I knew that my goal of becoming a Biologist would be difficult to obtain in my home country. Political instability and overall insecurity made me decided to follow my grandparents' steps and move all by myself to Spain in hopes of a better life and opportunities. During my time in there, I learn how to adapt myself to a different culture, how to take all the responsibilities that comes from living alone, and what is more important, how to motivate myself to never give up my goals even during hard times.
After a while, I realize that biology was not the right fit for me, and I found myself in a serious predicament; I had left everything that I loved to accomplish a goal that I didn't want to obtain anymore. So I decided to reconsider my career decision and change my major to one I would be more passionate about, which, after falling in love with the work of architects like Antoni Gaudi and Santiago Calatrava, ended up being architecture.
With a new goal in mind, I apply and was accepted in the architecture program of the Polytechnic University of Valencia, the Complutense University of Madrid, and the University of Granada. But once again, impulse by my never ending search for the best opportunities and education as well as the chance to be closer to my family, I decided to make another crucial decision: moving to the United States.
Once in the Florida, I register in the Broward College in order to obtain an A.A in Architecture with the main objective of testing my own passion for the field. Differing from my previous mere interest in Biology, I found the study of architecture fulfilling all my intellectual and creative needs. I became so dedicated to the brainstorming and imagination that comes with the projects that I never stopped working. This new found motivation keep me working harder every time in order to fulfill my new found dream: creating standing works of art where people can experience what I do when I see the work of Gaudi or Calatrava.
Now, after two years of design classes in the United States, my time in the Broward College is near to its end. What was supposed to be an opportunity to test my own passion for architecture became an incredible experience that I want to continue. That is why I want to transfer to Cornell. I know for sure that the school which taught professionals like Richard Meier and hosted professors like Buckminster Fuller, will be intensive enough for me to stay challenge and motivated, while the cultural diversity of students will continue the amazing learning experience that comes from seeing the world through someone else's eyes.
I want to go to Cornell more than any other school in the country because I know by heart that it will satisfy my search for the best education and opportunities in the field. I fell in love with the school the moment I read about it. The quality of the teaching staff, as well of the students would keep going this amazing developing process that started four years ago with my decision to leave my country. Architecture wasn't my passion back then, but it is now. And Cornell has one of the world's most highly regarded and prestigious schools of architecture, and what is most important; it offers the Bachelors of Architecture degree that I want the most, and the opportunity to study abroad in places like Rome, Panama and Brazil.
My love for Cornell, and the reason why it has become my first option, is that at the end, my goal is not just to get a degree in architecture. I want to keep traveling. I want to meet people from around the world. I want to keep my imagination working all the time. I want to keep studying and creating things because of the simple fact that I do not want to ever stop learning and improving; my goal is to become the best architect that I can be, and that is the direct consequence of realizing that I cannot imagine any other career that would fulfill my needs as architecture does, and I cannot think of any other schools apart from Cornell that would help me to archive my goal of becoming a better person that my dad, even if I would be proud to being just like him.
Political instability and overall insecurity made me decided to follow in my grandparents' steps and move all by myself to Spain in hopes of a better life and better opportunities.
During my time in there, I learned how to adapt myself to a different culture, how to take all the responsibilities that come from living alone, and what is more important, how to motivate myself to never give up my goals even during hard times.
After a while, I realized that biology was not the right fit for me, and I found myself in a serious predicament; I had left everything that I loved to accomplish a goal that I didn't want to obtain anymore.
With a new goal in mind, I applied and was accepted in the architecture program of the Polytechnic University of Valencia, the Complutense University of Madrid, and the University of Granada.
But once again, fueled by my never ending search for the best opportunities and education as well as the chance to be closer to my family, I decided to make another crucial decision: moving to the United States.
Once in the Florida, I registered at the Broward College in order to obtain an A.A in Architecture with the main objective of testing my own passion for the field.
This new found motivation keeps me working harder every time in order to fulfill my new found dream: creating standing works of art where people can experience what I feel , when I see the work of Gaudi or Calatrava.
Now, after two years of design classes in the United States, my time in the Broward College is near to its end.
I know for sure that the school which taught professionals like Richard Meier and hosted professors like Buckminster Fuller, will be intensive enough for me to stay challenged and motivated, while the cultural diversity of students will continue the amazing learning experience that comes from seeing the world through someone else's eyes.
I want to go to Cornell more than any other school in the country because I know in my heart that it will satisfy my search for the best education and opportunities in the field.
My love for Cornell, and the reason why it has become my first option, is that at the end, my goal is not just to get a degree in architecture.
I want to keep studying and creating things because of the simple fact that I do not want to ever stop learning and improving; my goal is to become the best architect that I can be, and that is the direct consequence of realizing that I cannot imagine any other career that would fulfill my needs as architecture does, and I cannot think of any other schools apart from Cornell that would help me to achieve my goal of becoming a better person than my dad, even if I would be proud to being just like him.
It doesn't sound right to say the education would make you a "better person than your dad". You might sat "better educated," but a better person does not make sense.
Good luck in school!
:)
Thanks!! i actually corrected all those mistakes today lol
And you are right, a friend told me the same about the ending, i took it out. it doesnt sound the way i wanted.
The ending isn't that bad. It clearly refers back to the opening, "We are raising you and your siblings to be better persons than your mother and I." The idea that being better educated than someone else doesn't make you a better person is a contemporary conceit of the left. While it is true that having a formal degree from a university doesn't necessarily make you better than a person without one, being educated does, by and large, tend to make you better than people who are not, in many, many ways.
