Hello all,
This is my UW Madison essay and short answer. If you can correct any grammar mistakes I have or any content issues I would really appreciate it, thanks.
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Booms, bangs, explosions, and the rattling of AK-47 gunfire. The distinct zooming of F-16's was what we hated the most. These were daily sounds back in Kabul, Afghanistan, the city of my birth. Stepping on bullet shells and coming across destroyed vehicles on the streets of Kabul was not uncommon. Having been blessed with a new life in America, I feel grateful that I never have to experience these things again. The childhood I had in Kabul was rough, to say the least, but I am still greatly devoted to my culture. I am able to fluently speak both Pashto and Farsi, read Arabic, and have studied Latin all four years of high school. I remain a dutiful Muslim at heart as well, and this, along with my Afghan heritage, will help me integrate Eastern culture into the University.
In the future I hope to be an accomplished physician, and I have had several experiences that helped me build the knowledge and leadership required for such a career. In the summer of 2007, I was a full-time volunteer teacher at an underprivileged elementary school in Afghanistan. For two months I was entrusted with the responsibility of teaching the children subjects such as English and mathematics. I enjoyed the experience so much that I decided to return to Afghanistan in July of 2008. For three weeks I was a volunteer public health educator in an immunization campaign. Each day I met with dozens of impoverished families, usually refugees, to teach them about health issues that plague the country and precautions to take against them. The time I spent in the school and in the immunization campaign exposed me in-depth to the medical field but also had a profound impact on me as a person. Seeing just how deprived the people of my country are, even in the 21st century, made me very thankful for the opportunities I have in America. As a result, I became a much more devout Muslim, as I began to pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan, and regularly give zakat (alms).
Although I hope for a career in the medical field, I have many different interests apart from the natural sciences. One of my fondest memories has been reading Dante's Divine Comedy in my AP Latin Literature class, something not many high school students get a chance to. I am also an avid listener of jazz and classic hip-hop music, which influenced me to do a research paper on the implications of music therapy on behavioral disorders.
My culture and upbringing have taught me to be a diligent, hard-working person. I strongly believe that these traits will help me be a great contribution to the University of Wisconsin.
Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
(I had a very bad fresh/soph GPA but near 4.0 junior year. This and the fact that I had an upward trend in grades all throughout high school is what I am trying to emphasize)
At the University of Wisconsin, I plan on majoring in psychology so that I can build a solid foundation for my final goal: medical school. What sparked my interest in psychology has been my Mother, who suffered from posttraumatic stress disorder during our first years in America. Over time, psychologists were able to heal her through group therapy, relaxation techniques, and behavioral therapy. I was amazed at how these people were able to cure my mother without stethoscopes, pills, or syringes, but rather their kind words.
In my freshman year, however, she began to have health problems again. In Kabul my mother had been an esteemed gynecologist, but as an immigrant that could speak only broken English, she was forced to work entry-level jobs. To make her situation worse, she was constantly rejected from all residency programs in her attempt to get her profession back, and was nearly driven to depression.
As a result, my freshman grades began to slip. My sophomore year was an improvement, but it was still difficult to concentrate on school while my Mother wilted away day by day. However, when she began to heal and I was able to focus on school more, my grades made a great leap, as I earned only one 'B' junior year despite the difficult course load. I hope to continue my upward trend in grades through senior year, and I am extremely confident that I can excel at the University of Wisconsin.
The two essays are both quite good to begin with. Some random thoughts:
Booms, bangs, explosions, and the rattling of AK-47 gunfire. The distinct zooming of F-16's was what we hated the most. These were daily sounds back in Kabul, Afghanistan, the city of my birth. Stepping on bullet shells and coming across destroyed vehicles on the streets of Kabul was not uncommon.
This is a great hook. It is so great, you might want to elaborate on it a bit. I realize that this must be a painful topic for you, but I can assure you it will also be fascinating for the reader. You might also want to mention when/how you ended up in America, how you adjusted to the transition, etc. You have a lot of very interesting life experience, which gives you a great advantage over many of the other applicants, who don't. This is an excellent opportunity for you to turn a negative into a positive.
Also, you mention the volunteer work you did in Afghanistan. Do you plan to do something similar at university? If so, this essay would be the time to mention it.
The second essay does a good job of explaining why your GPA fluctuated. It would be difficult for anyone not to empathize with you, under the circumstances.
