Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence

h historical figure significantly influenced you? Explain that influence.

Ever since I learned to mouth "No," my parents infused me with academic diligence and excellence. Over time, I broadened the list of qualities, unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance. As I grew more independent and mature, conflicting peer pressure and temptation made it increasingly difficult to fulfill my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals. During freshman year, I sought my parents and friends' guidance, but I was no better off than I was before. After two years of futile searching, I grew despondent and pessimistic; however, in my junior year, a fortuitous impromptu physics lecture on space and aeronautics revived my prospects. I discovered an exemplar of my ideals...

Ever since I learned to mouth "No," my parents infused me with academic diligence and excellence. --- I don't get it. What does 'no' have to do with these things?

... an idol who could exemplify my goals. During freshman year, I sought my parents' and friends' guidance, but I was...

...my dream of becoming a world-renown scientist.--- this will be better if instead of just saying scientist you specify what kind of science you want to be involved with.

Use italics:
...science magazines, such as Popular Science, and compete in various math competitions.

...overwhelmed by the difficulty of progressing toward my goals; many times, I succumbed to the temptation to dawdle with friends and, consequently, drifted away from my aspirations. --- good sentence!

:-)

Oh~ By "Ever ... 'no' ", I meant "Ever since I was wee little" :] I'll change that to make it clearer.

Thanks for the technical editing!

Oh! I forgot to change that... I'll do that now. When I cut and paste from Microsoft Word, the italics became unitalicized.

Thanks for the help and compliments!

Oh really?! Argh, I hate that sort of thing. When pasting from Word causes all kinds of glitches in a forum or blog or whatever, it helps to paste it first into a notepad program like wordpad. Then, copy it from the notepad and paste it into the post or blog. Know what I mean? That takes away all the html code; I use that trick all the time.

I'll edit that previous post, thanks!

Long before I was old enough to attend school, my parents infused me with gave me experiences of academic diligence and excellence.--- an idea for you

Over time, I broadened the list of qualities, unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance. Don't name good qualities about yourself. Just get focused on talking about the subject you are passionate about... your plan for the future.

As I grew more independent and mature, conflicting peer pressure and temptation made it increasingly difficult to fulfill my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my go This seems sort of fake. It raises questions that get left unresolved. I think it is better to simply state that this person became your idol without saying it was because you were trying to mitigate peer pressure.

Also:
Because she was an African American women, Jemison's former ( I think it is better not to specify 'former' here because of the way the sentence is structured. They were not former when they mocked her.

In retrospect, I regret having frittered away precious time---- great sentence!!

Hmm.. I'll keep that tip in mind :] Thanks!


Hmmm... I think I like the original better. It sounds more active :] Kind of like, my parents beat the knowledge into me :) By the way, I'm Asian, if you didn't know, so I'm just playing with the stereotypes.


Oops. Firstly, there was a typo on my part -.-. It was supposed to be: "Over time, I broadened the list of qualities, including unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance." I thought this sentence would be important because it introduces the reader to the type of qualities I would like to have; these are the qualities I admire Mae Jemison for:

academic diligence and excellence --> intellectual breadth
steadfast perseverance --> determination
kindness --> munificence
If you still think that it's unnecessary, please tell me :)


I also thought it was a bit awkward... I didn't necessarily want to mitigate peer pressure... What I'm trying to say is that as I grew older, peer pressure made it more difficult for me to focus on my goals, so I wanted a idol to look up to and keep me in shape... Taking your idea, do you think this is better worded:

"As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals."


Thanks for that tip!

Wait... now that I reread my introduction, I think I know what you mean... I think I need a better way to tie the admirable qualities in with my dream... Am I right?

Even before I began schooling, my parents infused me with academic diligence and excellence. Over time, I believed that unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance were also necessary to fulfill my aspirations of becoming a world-renown electrical engineer. As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals. During freshman year, I sought my parents' and friends' guidance, but I was no better off than I was before. After two years of futile searching, I grew despondent and pessimistic; however, in my junior year, a fortuitous impromptu physics lecture on space and aeronautics revived my prospects. I discovered an exemplar of my ideals who championed every imaginable obstacle in order to achieve her life dream of becoming a scientist; Mae Jemison, with her intellectual breadth, determination, and munificence, inspired me to persistently pursue my dream.

Ha ha, this is probably the best way to write it in the essay! Ha ha,, that is one of the secrets of powerful writing, I think. Use those excellent phrases, the ones that have real energy.

About the sentences I said were unnecessary, it has to be your decision. Sometimes I give some suggestions and then the next time I look at the essay I disagree with what I had suggested. I just want to challenge you with my suggestions to give more perspective.

About the qualities you would like to have: it is just not very meaningful to name the qualities. It is more meaningful to give a sentence that tells about her accomplishment that required those qualities. It is not easy, and I don't know if I am even explaining what I mean very well.

I am Kevin, and I am hardworking, honest, very reliable, and always focused on my goals. --- if i say this, it does not mean much. However, if I give a few eloquent sentences about the accomplishments of a historical figure, I can use them as examples of the qualities that I have come to appreciate the most.

Anyway, nevermind! You are doing very well. This is just stuff to think about.

As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals---- I still don't like this sentence. Peer pressure is something that affects people subtly, and it is not ordinary for someone to say, "I am having trouble focusing on my ideals because of peer pressure, so I should find an idol."

It is better not to explain why you sought an idol. You don't need to justify having had an idol. :-)

Oh... Ha - I thought that would be a little too casual... But now that I think about it, I could work well...
How about this?
"Even before I began schooling, my parents beat knowledge into me and infused me academic diligence and excellence."


I tried to save the explanations for the body paragraphs. Did I do that poorly?


Ok.. I see...
"As I grew older, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals."
Could that simply replace the sentence?

Again, thanks a million! I don't know what I would have done without you guys. :)

Hey, Kevin. Do you think this essay suffices? I mean, compared to my other ones, I think this is one of my worse ones -.- Furthermore, this is the Common App essay? I was thinking about completely rewriting it. Could I get some advice? Thanks.

For now, I revised a few parts of the essay to try and improve it. I would be ever so grateful if anyone could comment and criticize it. Thanks!

Yeah, it can be like this: XXXX became your idol because your commitment to the field in which XXXX is an authority.
That is very different from this:
You searched for someone to take as your idol, and XXX was the best option you could find.
It is better to be focused on the goal and allow people to become idols and mentors to the extent that they can get you closer to the goal.


Hey, I love what you did here... you talked about being young in the first sentence, and then this sentence makes it sound as though elect. engineering has always been your destiny, something that ... like, you do not even need to explain how you became interested in it. It has a cool effect, this intro...

This is the word, for sure. You have some inspiration for this. It's interesting that the essay with the most inspiration is one about a person. A person can be a great source of inspiration. And I hope you provide inspiration for a lot of other people as they see this great essay in the future! I would not want to change anything. I see not errors.

Wow. Now that you put it that way, I understand what you mean. :)


Thanks for the encouragement! I'll be sure to help (and, perhaps, inspire :) as many of the others I can.

Oh - one thing though. I forgot to mention this earlier. I didn't look up to this person necessarily because she was an authority in the field I am pursuing (computer science and electrical engineering as opposed to aeronautics, etc). I idolized this person because of her virtues: intelligence, determination, philanthropy and because she showed that the successful scientist often demonstrates these values. So I was trying to generalize this observation from aeronautics to scientist, since the computer and electrical engineer is a scientist too. Do you know what I mean?...

Oh... I see what you mean. Well, still now that I gave you my impression you can adjust it in any way you like. I hope this dialogue helped you to figure out the best way to express it.

:-)

I considered all of your advice and tried to revise my revision of my intro... If you don't mind, could you critique this one also? Thanks!

From this introduction, can you tell me what you think the main idea of the essay will be?

It seems like it'll be about this significant person. You showed that you became serious about education, and that helps to explain what is significant about her. So, the theme is this person, and the topic seems to be her significance. The unique thing about this is the eloquent language. It is like a top-notch "influential person" essay.

But the thread title tells that much. When you ask what the main idea seems to be, are you looking for something more?

Well... I was wondering if you guys could almost pinpoint what I am going to say about this person. I was wondering if you guys could tell that I admire this person not just because she's an influential scientist but because she's an influential scientist with venerable qualities...

Thanks for your thoughts, anyways! I really appreciate your help! :]

Yep, you do convey that. And actually, this sentence you have here might be a good one to add to the essay. You worded it very well.

Again, thanks a lot for your help, Kevin!

I've been at this for a while, but it seems impossible: can you help me cut down this essay (around 5000 characters) to 3600 characters without altering the main thesis of the essay?

The easiest way to knock off that 20% is to kill a paragraph. If you see a nonessential paragraph, you can just execute it like the ruthless murderer that you are. Do it! Muster the ruthlessness, murderer!

Just kidding.
Actually, I can't do that either... reading it again, I see that every para is important...

Okay, my idea is to shorten the last paragraph into a single sentence to add to the one that precedes it. Also, try to remove one sentence from each other paragraph, combining 2 sentences into one.

when you do this, the essay just gets better. This is refining the essay. It is weeding out the weeds.

Hi Kevin. Before I read your suggestion, I had already made a shortened version of the essay. Would it okay for you to critique it? If that doesn't work, then I will try your suggestion. Thanks!

Hi Eugene, sorry it took me forever to get to this. We have tons of essays lately...


This sentence seems unnecessarily wordy. Jemison faced racism but remained focused on her studies.

This is a good part:
Her dedication inspired me to disallow anyone to dissuade me from pursuing my passions: when I was young, bullies targeted me for my illness that bleached portions of my skin. Although commotion about my skin gradually mitigated, when I tried out for the varsity swim team, I was still afraid that others would tease me for my white patches.

But use a semi-colon to "keep it together" after that colon:
Her dedication inspired me to disallow anyone to dissuade me from pursuing my passions: when I was young, bullies targeted me for my illness that bleached portions of my skin; although commotion about my skin gradually mitigated subsided, when I tried out for the varsity swim team, I was still afraid that others would tease me for my white patches.

Very good stuff here... and it is even more impressive that you, as a boy, identify with a heroic woman. That shows real wisdom that not all youths have. This will be a successful one...

I changed mitigated, because I think you meant subsided.

Hmmm... But I need to mention that she is an African American woman. Oh! - I think I'll add that in the next paragraph.

i agree too

Drudge, or trudge? I think you trudge through...


The essay is great, and this is the only thing I targeted for a missile strike.Big words that convey general ideas make the essay lose its forcefulness... or its... momentum... or something.

So, instead of saying utilize for benevolent causes, give one word that names something specific. Or maybe two words, but you know what I mean. One simple word with meaning is better than 4 or 5 words that say general things.

Right here, this is redundant: I plan to become the engineer I aspire to be.
So, those are your trouble spots, according to me! :-)

Ok. I tried addressing those spots you pointed out, though I had a few questions.


Can you explain? I'm not sure how it is redundant.

Even before I began schooling, my parents beat knowledge into me, infusing me with academic excellence. Over time, I believed that generosity and perseverance were also necessary to fulfill my dream of becoming a successful engineer; engineers must drudge through painstaking labor while sacrificing time to educate others. However, I often found these qualities difficult to attain. Fortunately, I discovered through an aeronautics article an exemplar of my ideals who championed every imaginable obstacle in order to achieve her life dream of becoming an accomplished scientist. Mae Jemison, through her intellectual breadth, determination, and munificence, guided me in the pursuit of my dream.

Jemison often faced racism but remained focused in her studies. Her academic caliber despite such obstacles inspired me to take advantage of my love for math and physics; I enjoy reading science magazines such as Popular Science and competing in math competitions. Her broad knowledge, encompassing engineering, aeronautics and dance, convinced me not only to focus on academics but also art and athletics. Initially I despised rigorous swimming and flute and piano practice, but I eventually grew to love the sport and music; I hosted concerts with a flute ensemble and joined the varsity swim team. By following her well-rounded path, I aspire to pursue swimming, music and engineering in college.

Besides academics, I admired Jemison's steadfast determination. Often, because she was a Black woman, people mocked her for her scientific dreams, but she ignored such petty criticism and persistently sought a scientific career. Her dedication inspired me to disallow anyone to dissuade me from pursuing my passions: when I was young, bullies targeted me for my illness that bleached portions of my skin; although commotion about my skin gradually subsided, when I tried out for the varsity swim team, I was still afraid that others would tease me for my white patches. Through Jemison, I learned to cast away my impeding fears and, despite my illness, to pursue my love for swimming.

After Jemison became well-off, she generously donated to numerous research institutes and tirelessly advocated the spread of education through Third World school programs. Although I was not wealthy or influential enough to help internationally, I wanted to help at least locally. Her charity inspired me to volunteer at a soup kitchen and motivated me to join math circles and online teaching communities to help others achieve the full potential of education. By adhering to Jemison's philosophy of altruism, I learned to acknowledge and improve the plight of the unfortunate through teaching and charity.

Jemison's admirable qualities inspired me to amend my lifestyle and character. Initially, I was overwhelmed by the difficulty to achieve my goals; I often dawdled and procrastinated and, consequently, drifted away from my aspirations. However, through Jemison, I learned to rectify my idling habits and persistently chase my ambition. By adamantly pursuing my passion while serving my community, I established an equilibrium in my life. Through these virtues, despite all obstacles, Mae Jemison achieved her dream and became the scientist she longed to be. By continuing to follow her path, I plan to become that engineer I aspire to be.