Sorry for putting this in a reply, i wrote this after i posted the above one >< any advice on both these essays will be greatly appreciated
That's okay! But in the future, please start a new thread for each essay.
This second essay you wrote is pretty strong. It shows your intelligence... but I think you can do better. You can let this discussion progress into a discussion of books and articles you are now reading as an extended result of that experience. Show that you are reading journal articles and books. :-)
The last sentence is not really very helpful. It is a statement of the obvious. Just have a great day, and wait for a perfect replacement sentence to come to mind.