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Main Common App Essay-----Taking stuff apart


rtgrove123 5 / 9  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Hey guys,

Well, this is my common app essay. Its a little rough so ANY feedback is greatly appreciated! Fluency kinda worries me here.

Prompt: Topic of your choice

The night before, I refused to fall asleep. Eager to receive my Christmas bounty, I jumped out of bed every time my house creaked in hopes of ambushing my parents putting out gifts. Then at the break of dawn, I raced downstairs to see what had been left under tree. Unable to bear waiting for my brothers to trudge down the stairs, I immediately tore through the wrapping paper hiding my gift: a bright red train. I then spent the next two hours eagerly commanding my toy back and forth across the living room floor, amazed by how it moved with only a push of a button. I knew that there had to be something other than my remote propelling the train, and I decided that I had to find out just what it was. So I scampered off to my dad's garage where he later found me pounding my toy into the concrete floor in an effort to observe the inner-workings of the locomotive. However, I could not understand why he angrily seized my train; after all, I just wanted to see what made my toy work.

The curiosity I had that night has never left me, and today it drives me to study science. Just as I was compelled to uncover the workings of my toy train, I now want to reveal the mechanics of the natural world. For example, walking to my first biology class, I was able to take a scalpel and slowly slice open the chest of a frog. The idea of understanding what caused this animal to agilely jump and swim compelled me to explore the physiology of my specimen for answers. Because I was allowed to observe the amphibian's internal composition, I could vividly see a frog's muscle filaments and how they were able to contract after being flooded with oxygen-rich blood from the heart. My thirst for discovery was briefly satisfied. Through my dissection, I found that science provided me with a supportive environment where I am encouraged to actively find answers to the "why" questions that had filled my childhood mind with wonder. Whether I am observing the organs of a frog or attempting to identify the force that propels a train, science has always enabled me to learn from my environment.

As I delved deeper into biology, I came to appreciate that the facts I learned from my textbooks or in class had a direct applicability to the rules that governed life in nature. For example, in preparation for a lecture on angiosperm plants, I extracted a bouquet of tulips, roses and daffodils from my mom's garden. Then, with my specimens in one hand and biology book in the other, I broke the plants down to their constituent parts and read about each floral organ that I had carefully extracted. This tangible aspect of science drives me to search for answers in nature through taking objects apart. Before, when I walked past a field of roses, I found beauty in each flower through the vibrant colors that appeared to have been delicately painted on each petal. But now that I have uncovered the mechanics of the rose, I have a more informed appreciation for what I see. Walking past the same field now and knowing how the flowers lure pollinating bees or photosynthesize does not diminish a rose's splendor. Instead, it fills me with a deeper, more wonderful sense of life and reminds me of all the intricate processes that enable a flower to decorate the Earth.

I am curious-whether something is human-made or natural, I want to know how it works. Yet, while my understanding of the natural world has greatly increased, my approach to life has remained the same. Even at the age of five, I was driven to solve the mysteries of nature by taking them apart. This habit of deconstructing objects in order to understand has enabled me to achieve a more complete perspective on my toy train and find fascinating complexity in a rose bed. Moreover, the way I view the world has allowed me to embrace who I am: a scientist.

vincentcanlas 6 / 22  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
Really great essay. I am not a good editor of essays but what I can say is that you do not have to worry about the fluency of the entire essay.

I can see how it flows and I admire it.
The first, opening paragraph seems (too) long/er as how it should be. I understand it is an introductory to yourself, but I think it could be more brief and straight to the point.

The third paragraph has good connections between what YOU love doing and what YOU know... and how it has changed you.

Great essay and I hope other people can give you better insights to make your essay stand out!

If you have time, I would gladly receive your feedback on my essay as well.


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