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"My main concern was lunch." --Columbia Supplement


nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 13, 2010   #1
Prompt: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why: (1500 characters)
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Is the intro too irrelevant? Or is it creative?
Any way I can cut this down? I'm 17 characters over the limit.
Thanks so much!

My main concern was lunch. Stuck in the Tokyo International Airport, surrounded by unfamiliar faces with no real means of communication, I embraced the universal language of McDonald's-the only expressible commonality.

Frustrated by my inability to communicate, I recognized that broad understandings of cultures and ideologies are crucial to my pursuit of a foreign relations career. With these criteria in mind, I found Columbia, a college that values diversity and the freedom of speech.

The World Leaders Forum, my favorite aspect of Columbia, incorporates all that I value. As prominent international figures address global challenges and engage in dynamic discussions, I can receive invaluable insight and unique global political lessons. Moreover, invitations of controversial speakers, such as Iranian President Ahmadinejad and Ethiopian Prime Minister Zenawi, show that Columbia accepts people of different views and allows passionate debates; they attest to Columbia's dedication to academic freedom. To successfully establish a personal set of beliefs is not to block out all ideas contradicting one's own. Instead, it is to take into account different facets of information and then form a final belief. Understanding that, Columbia provides as many resources and opportunities as possible for students to explore, and I will be given the valuable chance to think for myself.

Thinking back to my McDonald's, I know my next visit to Japan will be a much more rewarding experience after a Columbia education.
shadowfax 5 / 22  
Dec 13, 2010   #2
Well written essay. But, the beginning of the last line looks awkward. Try rephrasing that.

"Thinking back to your McDonald's" ? Rephrase it...
OP nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 18, 2010   #3
mmm...I agree.
what about, thinking back to my McDonald's lunch or my lunch from McDonald's?
onimpulse 2 / 17  
Dec 18, 2010   #4
The word "accepts" in this sentence feels a bit weird to me:

"Moreover, invitations of controversial speakers, such as Iranian President Ahmadinejad and Ethiopian Prime Minister Zenawi, show that Columbia accepts people of different views and allows passionate debates."

In light of the fact that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was mentioned, I don't think it's proper to use the word "accepts." I would think that putting "welcomes" in its place would be better.
Tranque 1 / 3  
Dec 18, 2010   #5
It's good, but I feel there needs to be some transition between the introductory paragraph and the second.
Also, I would condense this if possible: "show that Columbia accepts people of different views and allows passionate debates"
OP nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 19, 2010   #6
onimpulse: thank you! that is definitely a better word choice.
and thank you tranque, the first two paragraphs used to be one long paragraph and it flowed much better, but i ran out of characters, so i shortened it. i'll see what i can do to connect it better.


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