Could you guys please comment/rate my essay? Thank you so much!!!
Please write an essay (250-650 words) on the topic selected. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source.
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"We won!!!!!!!!!!" I was so excited and relieved to see Daniel's post, who was receiving live updates at the Town Hall on voting night. The "pass the override" campaign had won by nine hundred and ten votes!
As a transfer student from China, it was very impressive to learn that in America, students' voices could influence a whole town's decision. When the town of Belmont announced the planned budget cuts, the news spread like wildfire. Panicked by the possibility of cut classes and teacher layoffs, students realized that only with a district-wide override could these detrimental effects on our schools be averted. However, most of us were under eighteen and could not vote, so we took a series of actions to encourage voters to cast "yes" ballots. I was enthused to witness neighbors posting "yes" signs on their lawns, bicycles, and even on their dogs. I participated in lively debates to encourage voters to get out to the polls, and made videos tagging community members to take the Facebook "What would you give up?" challenge, which compared the additional tax money needed to a small daily expense like a cup of coffee.
Belmont is very different from the country I come from, where there is no such thing as educational activism because the Ministry of Education makes "reforms" based solely on officials' opinions. On the surface my previous school encouraged students' voices, but no one was courageous enough to stand up for an ideal; after all, the government's is the only voice that matters. Thus, the young generation in China has no option but to accept decisions made by higher powers without questioning their validity. Once, in China, where I was taught to regard teachers as absolute authorities, I spoke up and questioned a teaching form that relied too heavily on self-study. In my view, this approach failed to help students when they hit a roadblock in class. My peers consequently struggled in class, and as the AP Center representative I felt compelled to speak up. Unfortunately, my criticism fell on deaf ears because a fifteen-year-old's voice was not significant. Was noticing a class's situation inappropriate? Was positive feedback the only acceptable feedback from students? It was so frustrating to witness the entire student body passively accept an education that disappointed us, without hope for positive change.
Thus, I was deeply moved by the young people in Belmont who sought to have an active voice in the campaign. I felt so lucky to have found a group of similar spirits who were motivated and strived for an education best fitted to their needs, and felt that this freedom to advocate for what is right could not be taken for granted. I strode down the road in the parade, wearing a self-designed T-shirt with the words "It's your education: Take it!" My heart brims with pride for being a BHS student. I find that my advocacy has a place here where I can freely speak my mind and make a difference. When I eventually witnessed my activism bear fruit-amplifying our message to generate more votes and thereby helping to save the school budget, I realized I could have missed the valuable right to speak up if I had not supported the students. I will therefore continue to stand up for what I believe in.
I came to America with the hope of finding an education that honors difference and encourages individuality. Voltaire said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Once I act, I realize my words can hold power, and I hope students in China will someday also be granted the freedom to stand up for their ideals and be critical when it comes to education.
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Xu, your observation and participation in the override vote is admirable. However, that is not the point of the essay. You were supposed to challenge a belief or idea that you were involved in on a more personal level. While the reduction in the teaching staff could have a direct effect on your education in the United States, I found that there was an even more compelling belief or idea that you had previously challenged which would have better captured the interest of the reviewer. The challenge I speak of is the following:
Once, in China, where I was taught to regard teachers as absolute authorities, I spoke up and questioned a teaching form that relied too heavily on self-study. In my view, this approach failed to help students when they hit a roadblock in class. My peers consequently struggled in class, and as the AP Center representative I felt compelled to speak up. Unfortunately, my criticism fell on deaf ears because a fifteen-year-old's voice was not significant. Was noticing a class's situation inappropriate? Was positive feedback the only acceptable feedback from students? It was so frustrating to witness the entire student body passively accept an education that disappointed us, without hope for positive change.
This is something that would interest the reviewer more because of the fascination with the way that the Chinese system works. Tell the reviewer more about how you spoke up. Who did you speak to? Did you try to elevate your concern to some higher education authority? Maybe there was something about your actions that taught you a lesson that you will never forget? Whether you succeeded in swaying the opinion of the educators or not, the point is that you spoke up and challenged an authority.
Now having been influenced by Western educational ways, if you had to go back to China and study under the system again, do you think that you would still challenge the belief or idea regarding the educational system? Why would you do that? Those are the scenarios and interesting information that can help your essay better stand out. You already have your introductory paragraph above, just build upon it :-)
