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"Maintaining good grades" - Challenge Essay-- MIT


Jomaha23 7 / 29  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
Maintaining good grades has always been my goal, but for a couple of years the attainment of this goal became really hard. When I was just ten years old, I was transferred from a school where Spanish was the main language to a bilingual school. The first years at my new school were extremely difficult. Much of the time I was not able to understand my teachers, because I had little skills at comprehending and speaking English. I recall that one time when my Reading teacher assigned us a project in which we had to create a story and then dramatize it. I found this task almost impossible to make. Luckily, I got the help of my classmate Valentina. If Valentina did not help me that one time, I am sure I would have failed the class. My lack of English skills caused my grades to crumble down drastically, but I did not allow this to bring my spirit down too. I was determined to keep my record of good grades, so I gave all the energy of my mind and body to achieve this goal.

Since that project, I partook in getting ahead on my own two feet. Every day after school was over, I went to take English classes for three hours straight. Afterwards I went home and did all my homework with the help of a dictionary and my computer. Just after finishing my homework, I practiced my English vocabulary until late at night. My mother always told me: "You are stressing yourself too much, your body needs rest." Luckily, I did not pay attention to her comments because my hard effort was giving good results. My English proficiency was gradually getting better, and as a result my grades increased each evaluation period. After two years of intense practice, I was able to speak and understand English perfectly, and I became one of the top students of my class.

Version 2:
"We are going to transfer you to a Bilingual School" As soon as those words came out of my parents' mouth, fear and sadness consumed me. I had no skills at understanding or comprehending the English Language, so my goal of always keeping good grades was at risk. As I expected, my first years at my new school were extremely challenging. Most of the time I was not able to understand my teachers, because of my poor English proficiency. I recall that one time when my Reading teacher assigned us a project in which we had to create a story and then dramatize it. I found this task almost impossible to make. Luckily, I got the help of my classmate, Valentina. If Valentina didn't help me that one time, I am sure I would have failed the class. During the first evaluation periods, my grades went down drastically, but I did not allow this to bring my spirit down too. I was determined to increase my grades, so I gave all the energy of my mind and body to achieve this goal.

Since that project, I partook in getting ahead on my own two feet. Every afternoon after school was over, I took English classes for three hours straight, looking to improve my English skills. After the class was over, I headed home and I did my homework, always with the help of an English to Spanish dictionary. Afterwards, I practiced my English vocabulary until it was late at night. My days seemed endless and they were exhausting, but my great effort was giving results. My English proficiency was gradually getting better, and my grades were improving. After two years of intense practice, I was able to speak and understand English perfectly, and I became one of the top students of my class. No longer my work depended on the help of the dictionary or on the assistance of Valentina.

Everything is welcomed :)!!
knattagh 3 / 13  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I would change
became to become in the first sentence,
difficult to challenging,
much of the time to most of the time
didn't to did not
trentp 2 / 8  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
My lack of English skills caused my grades to crumble down drastically, but I did not allow this to bring my spirit down too . I was determined to keep my record of good grades, so I gave all the energy of my mind and body to achieve this goal.

Since that project, I partook in getting ahead on my own two feet. Every day after school, I went to take English classes for three hours straight.

I think your message is clear, and I can see some points where it can be even more polished. However, the way it is now is characteristic of your struggle to perfect your English and advance to the top of the class so I find myself reluctant to revise anymore than what I have suggested.

All in all, a very good essay.
OP Jomaha23 7 / 29  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
trentp
Thanks a lot here are two versions of the same essay, which do you prefer?

THANKS IN ADVANCE!! :)
trentp 2 / 8  
Dec 28, 2010   #5
My work no longer depended on the help of the dictionary or on the assistance of Valentina.

Essay 2 is more focused. Use that one.


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