Hi, I'd love some feedback on my transfer personal statement essay. Thanks for reading it and any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!
Here is the prompt, right now my essay is 939 words.
"Keomp Yu Teoga, Milae," meaning "computers are the future" in English, still echoes in my ears. These were very frequent words of my uncle Yo Jin, who was a computer engineer by profession and the person who introduced me to computers when I was just the tender age of six. With my uncle's profound influence, I too gradually developed a strong passion for computers. I was born in South Korea, my mother's homeland, but my family would not stay there for long as I was born with a cranial condition, craniosynostosis, which is caused by a premature fusion in in one or more of the fibrous sutures of the skull.
My father, who was in the Air Force at the time, was advised to have our family stationed in Tacoma, Washington so I could receive medical treatment by some of the top cranial surgeons in the world at Madigan Hospital. We all felt very fortunate because the doctors discovered my condition before it was too late allowing me to be cured completely. However, I became aware of this illness only when my parents told me about it years later. This story made a tremendous impact on shaping my personality in a positive way and I began to strive hard to be the best person I could possibly be and to make the most out of every day.
When I began the seventh grade, this was a drive that would propel me through my middle school years and beyond. I attended elementary school in South Korea but my family moved back to Tacoma when I began middle school. Therefore, I didn't have any friends at the time and dealt with a great deal of bullying. There were times when I felt like giving up, but living in South Korea, my uncle taught me the value of education, which is of paramount importance in Korean culture. With that in mind, giving up was not an option and the bullying actually became a major motivator for me to succeed. I focused on my schoolwork, continued to learn more about computers, and got involved in sports. I played various sports in school but there was one in particular that I became extremely passionate about and that was professional wrestling.
During my senior year of high school, I enrolled in the Running Start program at Tacoma Community College to get the opportunity to immerse myself in the college atmosphere and loved it. There was only one issue. I wasn't completely sure I would be going to college right away. Like a lot of students that graduate high school, I was asking myself the question, "What's next?" Not because I didn't have an idea of what I wanted to do, but because there were two career goals that I was extremely passionate about pursuing, computer science and professional wrestling. I saw pro wrestling on TV for the first time when I was eight years old and my childhood dream was to perform on WWE television one day. I was so driven that I had no doubts whatsoever my dream would one day become a reality. At the time, I honestly believed that I could strive to become a pro wrestler and go to college concurrently, but as time went on, that became more and more unrealistic.
After I graduated high school, I enrolled at Pierce Community College and began going to pro wrestling school. I was able to maintain my grades and excel in pro wrestling training for a while, but as time went on, I realized that I wouldn't be able to give 100 percent effort into both at the same time. I started to receive offers to wrestle across the country and felt a burning desire in my heart that this was what I wanted to do. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I decided to pursue professional wrestling full time and to put all of my focus and effort into it.
I found a great deal of success as a pro wrestler, but still had a thirst for knowledge as it pertained to computer science and read numerous books on software development. Interestingly enough, I developed programs using the Java language that assisted in advancing my pro wrestling career and continued to maintain a deep passion for both. In 2010, after years of perseverance, I got the opportunity to live out my childhood dream and performed on WWE television. I broke down in tears that night when the realization that all the hard work and sacrifice had finally paid off. I knew in that moment that anything I put my heart and mind towards achieving could be accomplished, no matter how impossible it may seem. Two years later,
I made the decision to retire from pro wrestling to go back to school to pursue my other lifelong passion, computer science.
I've had an obsession with computers ever since my uncle Yo Jin introduced me to them. I re-enrolled at PCC in 2012 and am currently attending Shoreline Community College as well in order to take CS 141: Intro to Object-Oriented Programming which isn't offered at PCC. It's a three hour commute each day but I know this is what I want do and am willing to do anything to accomplish it. I'll be graduating with an Associate of Arts (AA-DTA) degree from PCC Spring quarter and The University of Washington Tacoma is my top transfer choice. My personal goal is to major in Computer Science and Systems and to graduate with high academic achievements from UW Tacoma. I intend to pursue internships while in school in order to gain as much experience and expertise as possible and plan to get a job at a highly reputable company when I graduate. I feel that I can contribute greatly to the UW Tacoma campus and community and would be greatly honored if given the opportunity.
Thank you so much for reading and your consideration,
"Keomp Yu Teoga, Milae" , meaning "computers are the future" in English, still echo in my ears. These were very frequent words of my uncle Yo Jin, who was a computer engineer by profession and the person who introduced me to computers when I was at my tender age of six.I developed a passion for them seemingly right away.
With my uncle's profound influence I too gradually developed a strong passion for computers.My family lived off and on between my mother's homeland,South Korea, and Washington State throughout my childhood because I was born with a cranial condition called craniosynostosis.
... the part in bold letters sound a bit confusing.... do you meant that your family kept shuttling between Korea and the US? Also I think you need to give more focus on your health condition and better have more emphasis about that in the sentence.
My parents practically lived in the hospital for about an year as I received countless treatments for my condition.
My parents practically lived with me in the hospital for almost an year. .... I think it is implied that your parents were there with your throughout your illness.
However, they actually felt very fortunate because the doctors didn't discover my condition when I was born, but they did when I was nine months old at a follow-up appointment, before it was too late. I feel extremely blessed to be able to live a healthy life. Growing up, I didn't know that I was born with this condition until my parents told me about it years later and ever since then I've strived to be the best person I can possibly be and to make the most out of every day.
.... I think the part I highlighted makes the reader bit confused. Also you don't have to be that descriptive as well. You need to tell the points that can add value to your essay. This is what I suggest;
However, we all have been very fortunate because the doctors discovered my condition before it was not too late. I was cured completely. However, I became aware of this sickness only when my parents told me about it years later. Then this story made a tremendous impact on shaping my personality in a positive way. I began to strive hard to be the best person I could possibly be and make the most out of everyday.