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"major as mechanical engineering" - Cornell Transfer essay: 500 words to 700 words


naruto 2 / 5  
Oct 10, 2010   #1
Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests.

I came from a strong and proud family. My parents did not attend college and was happy to see me go to college. However, my brother Emmanuel is the start king of the family. Because my father always tells me, "why are you walking in your brother". I am lost in deep space; I was walking in the shadow of my brother. I could not help it. I want to be different; I want to have my color to shine in my family. in my senior year in high school, I took the opportunity to attend " Sacans regional conference" at Brandeis University, where my brother goes. I couldn't describe the setting of the conference, I was overwhelmed. I was able to learn and talk to professors and professional people in engineering and science field, my curiosity for science and engineering sky rocket. However, I was more interested in mechanical engineering. I was the professor and professional in that field to learn more, this conference made me to love mechanical engineering more.

Attending college has opened a new light in my life and open doors. However, going to engineering major in my family was difficult, because I was venerable to my peers in school because I was not expose to math and science as my peers. I did not shake or move. I took my venerability to expand my knowledge in science and math. I purse my physics professor for a research in physics. My professor appointed me to one of the physics professor to perform research with, Professor Andrea. I was happy and excited in elementary practice. The first meeting of the research, I did not have clue what professor Andréa was talking about and while my peers knows. It seems I was left behind again. But I did not just stop there. I read all the materials, take notes and ask many questions about protons, quarks, and four force and the big bang theory. My position in this research was to read the materials and make a presentation to my peers of what I have read. I was fascinating and amazed learning how elementary particles were the key things to know how the university became exit and to understand the university. My eager and my passion of mechanical engineering did not stop there. I attend mechanical engineering club in City Tech. where I was able to learn about cutting edge technology in mechanical engineering and what is going on in mechanical engineering. Discussion is held by the professor, to know how student can solve specific real life problem as engineers. I was aloes part of the math club, to enrich my math skills and to learn how to approach math problems

I want to continue my study in Cornell University and I am declaring my major as mechanical engineering. At Cornell University, I will be able to achieve my goals, and make my own name in my family. The Engineering College of Cornell has a board of opportunity in research and Cop-op programs. I did a research in the Engineering College website, I found professor Moon research on, "smart joints in Aerospace Structures" and Professor Ruina on, "developments in bipedal walking robots" research. I will love to have the privileged to continue my study at Cornell University and to graduate and do great things in the world.

This is my rough draft, I know i have alot of grammer errors and I will like to know if my essay conveys the ideas. In other words, i will like to know if my have essay is interesting. just feedback.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 13, 2010   #2
My parents did not attend college and was were happy to...

I was able to learn and talk to professors and professional people in engineering and science fields, and my curiosity for science and engineering skyrocketed.

I was the professor and professional in that field to learn more--- what does this mean? Please revise.

This seems like an abrupt ending: I will love to have the privileged privilege of continuing my studies at Cornell University and to graduate and doing great things in the world.

:-)
OP naruto 2 / 5  
Oct 14, 2010   #3
Thanks Kevin, i did not read for grammar. I just wrote it, free write. To make sure that my essay conveys what the admission wants. Do you think in conveys it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 14, 2010   #4
Yes, the essay is powerful and persuasive because of the sincerity -- feeling like you were in your brother's shadow... I think you will win the reader's heart.

But win the mind as well by doing this:

Fill the last paragraph with sentences about recent research findings and work accomplished by mechanical engineers... your favorite aspects of the field, the stuff you would read about for enjoyment. Fill that last paragraph with discussion of your favorite topics and your plans to pursue them.
OP naruto 2 / 5  
Oct 17, 2010   #5
Kevin u the best, thankyou
I will keep u update of my final essay
74komal93 1 / 5  
Oct 17, 2010   #6
Your essay really tells your story. As has already been mentioned, the grammar needs refinement, but what you're trying to say is really worth reading. I would suggest working on the grammar and style of the essay, but it's based on solid ideas. :)
OP naruto 2 / 5  
Oct 17, 2010   #7
yup you are right.
this was a freewrite
i just want to make sure i convey the idea for the prompt


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