"A Major set back" - undergraduate essay....

This is for the university of michigan please let me know what you think and any suggestions inorder to improve quality.

Prompt:Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

I was in Mr.Mason's fourth grade class memorizing the states and their capitals for the test at the end of the week. My class was quiet with each of the students in their own solemnity focusing hard on the fact the Dover was the capital of Delaware. Then an announcement broke the silence, it was our principal saying that there is an import message that all teachers need to receive and if they could send a student down to the office to retrieve it. My entire class suddenly jumped up in excitement each of us raising a hand hoping Mr.Mason would choose us. However Mr.Mason rejected us all and said that he would go down and retrieve this "urgent message" during the break. As my classmates and I all mumbled our discontent we reluctantly returned back to our studies. Upon my classes entrance I saw that the principal, vice principal, and the priest Father Dennis. After several moments Father Dennis stepped forward and said, "There has been a terrible accident and we have gathered you here today because we feel that you are old enough and mature enough to know." He paused for a moment, swallowed hardly and continued with, "Two planes have crashed into the twin towers in New York City, and many people are hurt. If you all could please stand up and join me in prayer." Returning back to class it was all the students could talk about, questions about who and why were circulating as we all were unaware of how such a horrible thing could happen.

Later that day I went home and there my aunt, uncle, and parents were gathered around the TV as the talk about these attacks continued. I saw the pain in their eyes but at that moment I was unaware of why it was there. Several days later that it was revealed that the attacks were the results of a small extremist Islamic group in the Middle East and it was then that my world was flipped upside down. That day my individuality as a Jordan Christian was now transformed to a Muslim terrorist. It was that day that my neighbor came to my home in drunken state yelling words of hate at my father and my family as I stood behind my father in tears the men standing behind my neighbor remained unmoved with their heads in what I hope was shame. That moment I grew ashamed of my culture and became very reserved unwilling to share my opinion, it was as if a part of me was afraid to come out.

Unfortunately I cannot remove racism from the world but rather do my best to educate people that not all Arabs are Muslims and Muslims are not terrorists. After years of blaming myself for not being what other people accepted I began to read and learn about different religions and cultures and the racism they overcame. I grew hungry for information about religion, culture, and an education. University of Michigan's diverse campus will surround me in an environment where people are willing to learn about my culture and religion and also willing to teach about theirs because the more understanding in the world the less hate there will be.

Hi rrayyan6,

You only started answering the question here.


So the entire first paragraph is too long and irrelevant. You are daring to mention the 911 incident.

You felt you lost your dignity and that you were being discriminated. So how did you go about this problem? You didn't elaborate much on this except for some generalisations in the conclusion. So what are you going to do in the future if people started yelling words of hatred to you?

I am not convinced that this is your major setabck because you did not specifically describe how racism has affected you. Shame is not a very strong case to put forward.

And, yeah there are some grammatical errors which you may easily spot if you read through again.

yea i get what your saying i feel that i should maybe just rewrite the whole thing...maybe even choose a different prompt. thanks for the advice. if u could read my essay for MSU its titled "i need to get out of this bubble" MSU undergrad essay...your advice is helpful and greatly appreciated.

I think your essay is an important one and needs to be told. I do agree with qyuiosilent about the first part, and in general there is a feel about it of distance.

This is important in your life. You can't tell it like a reporter would. It should have more of your confusion, and deep feelings about it.

Try telling it from that perspective, like one who has lived through and lives with discrimination that isn't even rational or deserved.

Hi,


Done.

You can ashamed at first. Talk about how you feel unjustified. The transiton has to be done with your stories, your own experiences. Arouse sympathy within your reader, if needed, to make them feel the kind of discrimination you have been through.

Racisim will never be solved in this world, so how are you going to resolve (according to the prompt) this? You may talk about know you fight for your identity, how you become magnanimous towards the unfair treatments. Hope these will help in your rewrite.

your beginning has to much detail and really doesnt answer anything about the promt...its just wasting space. You need to condense it.

should i just pick a different promt????

Hi,


Yes please, if you think you cannot make up a convincing case for this setback and other prompts will allow your personal voice to be heard clearly. You have any issues of local concern or interesting books to talk about? Otherwise just stick to this.

ok so i looked over the other prompts and to be honest nothing is coming to mind...ummm but what i did come up with for a new major set back would be that i have ADD and refuse to take the medicine but still maintain a high gpa...do u think it could work???

You should try tying this event to something that happened to you in high school. You also need to elaborate on how you've bounced back so to speak from discrimination. Meaning, has it made you more understanding, more critical of superficial labels, etc.

If you have time, could you look over my re-vised Buchenwald and Homeless essays. Hopefully reading and criticizing them can help you improve your own writing!