(majoring in Chemistry and studying at Cornell) - Transfer

I want to transfer to cornell and i need some one to read my transfer essay and see how it is and what should i edit (this is a rough draft). needs to tell how my past experience have inspired me to transfer to cornell what i want to major in and what i hope to achieve at cornell.

""Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." Thomas Jefferson. In my life I have been faced with many hardships from family to school, I moved to the United States when I was in nine leaving everything I ever knew and starting allover again. I moved to Massachusetts lived there for a year and then moved to Schenectady, New York. During this whole process I was much disoriented, when this was all done I finally had time to get my life together and start over. It was just a matter of time when we had to move again out of Schenectady to different school districts because my parents believed that it was not safe to live in Schenectady anymore due to the violence in the city.

I had always been a good student coming from a family that was not very educated, my mother and father did not have an education but had tried their best to give me and my siblings a good education. My parents never helped me with my hardships because they were never faced with the problem I was going through. After changing schools my grades started to drop; I was faced with bullying, and also family problems. I started to become isolated and stop caring about education this is when my life came to a turning point. I remember coming home frustrated with myself thinking what I am doing and where is this life leading me, I went and talked to my dad who I am very close to. I explained to my father how I felt; this is when my father told me about his life and growing up without an education and how he had worked day and night to support his family. I remember my dad started to cry saying that he hopes that I do not go through what he went through and he someday hoped to see me as a doctor or some profession that would allow me to live a comfortable life. This was when I decided to change my prospective on education and decided that I want to become a doctor. I started to get better grades, and started looking at universities that would give me the best chance to peruse my goals. I soon realized that my grades where not sufficient enough to get into the University I wanted to, so I decided to go to a smaller University and get better grades to get into the University of Cornell. I went to SUNY Cobleskill from high school and during my two years at Cobleskill I have tried to become a stronger student and tried to fix my weaknesses. Doing this was a very challenging task and I had to keep reminding myself that I need to make education my top priority and not focus on the distractions around me.

I want to go to Cornell over any other University in the country because I believe that Cornell is a very prestigious University that will give me the best opportunity to farter expand my knowledge and education. I fell in love with Cornell as soon as I read about it the quality of teaching staff, the student diversity, and the rich history of the University and how studying at Cornell will make me a better person. I do not just plan to become a doctor, I want to someday travel the world and help people that can not help themselves. I want to provide free health care to people that cannot afford it in 3rd world countries. I believe that majoring in Chemistry and studying at Cornell with the best Professors in their fields, and also with a class full of students that are motivated to succeed will give me the opportunity that I seek to achieve my goal in life."

Thanks guys

trim away the excess... for power.
In my life I have been faced with many hardships from family to school; I moved to the United States when I was in nine, leaving everything I ever knew and starting all o ver again.

I want to go to Cornell over any other University in the country because I believe that Cornell is a very prestigious University that will give me the best opportunity to farter expand my knowledge and education. ---This does not really say anything. You need to make sure each paragraph introduces an idea that will be meaningful or persuasive in some way. Do you know what I mean? Make it so that the reader has a useful experience and gains some new insight.

I fell in love with Cornell as soon as I read about it the quality of teaching staff, the student diversity, and the rich history of the University and how studying at Cornell will make me a better person. not interesting, because anyone could say that same thing.

This is interesting:
I do not just plan to become a doctor, I want to someday travel the world and help people that can not help themselves. I want to provide free health care to people that cannot afford it in 3rd world countries. I believe that m Majoring in Chemistry and studying at Cornell with the best Professors professors in their ...

Cut out all general sentences, and focus intensely on that single, poignant, original theme.

:-)

thank you!