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'majoring in computers or any other type of engineering'-How did you learn about NJIT

Kevinho 1 / 3  
Nov 28, 2011   #1
Hello, this is my essay that i will be submitting to NJIT, please i would appreciate it if i can get feedbacks. Thank You
The first paragraph to my essay really isnt that good, any suggestions on how I can start my essay? thanks

I have heard about NJIT through many articles, ads, and fellow classmates and heard about its diverse community and scenic campus which I hope to soon be a part of. NJIT would be a great place to learn about people from different backgrounds and experiences from their programs, for example, the Biology Society and the Muslim Student Association. I came across an NJIT representative last year and found out that the eminent NJIT was an in-state university and offered almost every type of engineering. Immediately I realized that this was the school for me.

I have always had an interest in computers and other types of engineering, such as electrical or civil engineering. Understanding the components of a computer is very interesting to learn and so I want to expand my knowledge of the internal parts of a computer. Thanks to the guidance I received from educators, college fairs, and my own research, I found that NJIT can give me the most comprehensive learning experience possible. Furthermore, the printed literature I've read about the campus location suits me perfectly.

My childhood passion for computers and machinery lead me to pursue a career in computer engineering. I have vivid memories from when I was a little boy, for example, I loved to disintegrate and assemble back small toy cars, airplanes, or any other models in order to learn about its mechanisms. Furthermore, I would examine my father's computer, open programs, and click buttons to appease my curiosity of each buttons function. These were some examples of the methods I used to develop my skills and enlarge my knowledge throughout my life.

Engineering requires more than just being intelligent in complex subjects, for example in math or physics; it requires ingenuity, motivation and hard dedication. I'm committed to give the world my knowledge in computers and mechanism that I shall acquire by my presence at NJIT. Attending NJIT would not only allow me to become a professional, but also succeed in life and show the world that dreams can come true. My ambition to become a professional computer engineer in order to succeed and achieve my dream leads me to apply to NJIT.
rhorton - / 1  
Nov 28, 2011   #2
I have always had an interest in majoring in computers or any othe rtype of engineering.
delete deliberately
OP Kevinho 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2011   #3
Any other suggestions or corrections? would really appreciate it. Thanks
tehfunkicookie 19 / 50  
Dec 7, 2011   #4
Hey Kevin! I'm going to be harsh a little bit but there's more interesting stuff to read (:

I'll tell you that straight off the bat. You're essay is very long and time consuming to read. It's wordy and some of what you say doesn't directly answer the prompt. You can cut down on your interests and childhood passions. What the admissions people want to read is a smooth and quick one to two paragraph about the prompt (i don't know the word count or limit, so if i'm wrong, please forgive me!). Maybe you can include one interest and childhood passion and how that relates to the school. Maybe a study abroad program or their rigorous cirriculum (what would be even cooler is if you said a class! <--that way they know you're interested in their school).

You are basically repeating in the first paragraph your topic sentence and your last sentence. "Engineering requires more than just being intelligent in complex subjects..."<--- People already know that. That doesn't really answer the prompt.

You're opening paragraph can just start off with you meeting the person. Makes it more direct to the reader. You can include what you heard about NJIT. This will also make them more interested in you and how well you know or are interested in the school.

ON THE GOOD SIDE (: you're personal interests and childhood experience (interests) and the way you write your thoughts make this essay very more original (which is what college application advisers or whatever they are ARE LOOKING FOR!). I would highly suggest you include it in there but not too much! Like what i said earlier, cut it down, there is some awkward wording too.

But overall, you did answer the prompt. Some parts of your essay you didn't, but overall, you have a good start. You just have to make your ideas and thoughts more coherent. ]

Remember, this is you're essay. You don't have to follow what I say. I"m just suggesting because this is how you want to write it!

Good luck!

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