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"make a business successful" - UC Personal Statement!


OliverInsixieng 1 / 1  
Oct 7, 2009   #1
This is a response to the first prompt, "Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

It was around eleven-thirty in the evening when my doorbell rang. Without thinking, I immediately put down my schoolwork and dropped my pencil to open the door. As I pulled it open, I was instantly greeted by the enervated faces of my parents. While they shuffled their way through the door, they forced out a smile in spite of their weariness. These were the same tired smiles I saw every night.

I come from a low-income household where both of my parents have to work full time at our family-owned and operated restaurant. My parents immigrated here in their twenties with my grandma, before I was born, to search for a place to start a family where they could give their children a better life. They came here with little education, no college background, and without any literacy or knowledge of the English language. What they did bring, however, was passion, perseverance, and a longing for a better future for their family.

As a child, I initially grew up with my grandma learning Laotian, English, and Cantonese as my first languages. My parents primarily speak Laotian, but my Grandma's first language was Cantonese so she decided to teach me that as well. As I grew older, my grandma moved away, and I was left with my younger sister. At first I was bitter, at the fact that my parents were always away, but it did not take me long to realize the sacrifices they were making to ensure my sister and I have a good life. My parent's absence has molded me in many positive ways. I bear a multitude of family responsibilities such as taking care of my sister, cleaning the house, and working when things get too hectic or when one of my parents gets sick. I've also become independent and self reliant in my studies.

As time passes, I have been gradually losing touch with my native tongue of Laotian. I've already lost all trace of my Cantonese. It's often difficult to convey complex thoughts and near impossible to hold an articulate conversation in either tongue. This has led to some difficult situations that have ended in arguments between my parents and me. While many may perceive this communication gap as a heavy disadvantage, I do not. Through this adversity, I was able to recognize the strength of the bond between us and how even language cannot disunite it.

My parent's tireless toil has not only helped me appreciate them, but has also instilled values that make up who I am today, values that I will bring to college to become successful, along with my rich cultural background. Because of this, I have learned to truly appreciate my parent's efforts and have strived to be the best me possible. I don't want their late nights to go to waste. I want to succeed in college, not only for myself, but for them as well. Being a first generation college student is something that is immensely important to both me and my family. My parents always held onto the dream that I would go to college; now I have the chance to fulfill that. Going to a university will give me a solid foundation and the necessary tools to achieve my goals.

I want to pursue a study in the field of psychology. The concept of behavioral science has always intrigued me, especially due to my family circumstances, where our communication is heavily inhibited by language. I want to build a bridge between our two worlds and understand my parents to a deeper extent. I am also fascinated by the idea of analyzing and interpreting emotions and the human mind. I also want to explore a career in business, so that I can support my parents in our family business. I've always looked up to them as entrepreneurs and I am curious to learn about the dynamics that make a business successful.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 8, 2009   #2
This is really a very good essay. You write with a great deal of sincerity, in a pleasing style with solid grammar.

I might leave out this part, though:

My parent's tireless toil has not only helped me appreciate them, but has also instilled values that make up who I am today, values that I will bring to college to become successful, along with my rich cultural background

The first part is pretty much universally true (parents instill values in their children) and the second part raises the question of how you will bring your cultural background with you when you have just finished saying that you are losing touch with both of the other languages you were raised with. The question is certainly one you could answer, I'm sure, but not without digressing from the essay in a way that would make the narrative you have now less compelling.
OP OliverInsixieng 1 / 1  
Oct 8, 2009   #3
First off, thanks for taking the time to read my essay. The feedback is greatly appreciated. This is actually a tightened and condensed third draft which is why some questions may have been left unanswered.

Aside from the line you quoted, do you feel anything else should get reworked?


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