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How can i make my fsu essay more WOW-ing?


Br00ke 1 / -  
Oct 8, 2009   #1
My main concern is that its not well written enough or personal enough, but i cant tell. Please Help!
Thank You!
Brooke

the prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam - I will either find a way or make one; just like the words of this latin proverb, The values of Florida State University inspire me to excel. It has always been instilled in me to stand up, stand out, and conduct myself with courtesy and high moral fiber. Mores, being a strong guiding philosophy of Florida State University, shows me that FSU and I would fit together in the strong beliefs custom and character matter.

For the last four years I have been able to show dedication and perseverance by sticking with multiple activities such as, Student Government Association, Habitat for Humanity, the Community Problem Solving Program, while continuing to keep a part time job, for all four years. These things soon became customized in my life so I was able to join National Honor Society and Camera Club. If accepted to FSU, I am positive that I would contribute tenfold to an abundance of student activities, in order to improve the school and the community.

Outstanding character is a very imperative attribute to hold in all that you do. I was able to use character in order to bring my school together to support the ignored children of Uganda, by starting a Schools4Schools branch of 'Invisible Children' at my high school. My role in this event was planning not only the group to come talk to the students, but also to get administration approval, teacher support, student participation and planning a successful book drive. Despite the many challenges and doubts from administration, we were able to overcome them to greatly exceed our hopes of raising 10,000 books to be sent over as teaching materials, for the children suffering from genocide. Character is what helped me pushed past the negativity to pursue something I strongly believed in; the well being on children my age dying half way around the world. Character comes in many forms however sometimes taking action, based on ones personal character views must subside for understanding. In my school district and community, I am an advocate for Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although no one in my family suffers from this disorder, it somehow struck close to home with me. I Emcee for our "Many F.A.C.E.S of Autism Benefit" every year, which helps to raise money for the Autism program in Flagler County. I also advocate by babysitting children of my counties Exceptional Student Education program. On various occasions I would babysit so that parents and teachers can have stress reduced time to discuss the student's needs, while the student was in a safe environment.

As I am growing into the person I strive to become, I am positive that the institution to get me there is Florida State University. With our shared values, and moral standards, I would make your school proud and carry the Latin value of Mores. Throughout my experience I have dedicated myself to projects and ideas, which not only show compassionate character, but I have also stuck with them over time. Making a difference to others and to the environment around me, and I hope that by being accepted to FSU I will be able to achieve greatness and bring excellence to the table.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 8, 2009   #2
Well, I'm impressed. You've got everything--your intellect shows, you have given personal examples of what you are talking about, and it flows well making the reader believe its truth. The vocabulary fits you, and is simple and direct and clear. These are the things that make a good paper.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 9, 2009   #3
I am an advocate for Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although no one in my family suffers from this disorder, it somehow struck close to home with me.

Why?

And this is the main problem I see with the essay. You list a lot of the things you are involved in. That's nice, but you probably already listed them elsewhere on your application. What you want to do with this sort of essay is explore one or two in detail so that the applications officers can get to know you as a person. So, lose the second paragraph (and possibly even the first, though I like your use of a Latin quotation to open) and expand on your third, explaining why these activities meant so much to you, and what your attraction to those specific activities shows about your character.


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