Hi Fatima :-) Well then, now that I know what the prompt you are trying to respond to is, it will be easier for me to share what I hope will be relevant and helpful advice with you regarding your essay. I agree that the essay should carry your natural voice, but it should still remain formal in nature because you are not talking to a personal friend or your parents. You are talking to someone who is just getting to know you and will be creating an impression of you based upon your tone of writing. So try to find a balance between your casual and formal voice. Just to show the reviewer that you know how to respect boundaries while still being open about your personality. Remember, first impressions matter. In this case, 'first reads matter'. So we need to be very careful about how your statements come across on the written page.
"Makeup is my weak spot" is supposed to show the other side of my personality from the one where I "religiously follow my meticulous schedule." I'm trying to convey it's the one thing which isn't structured, "mature", focused about me. It's the one thing that distracts me from my work. I wasn't thinking it on the lines of splurging. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this idea clearer? I will work on it myself too.
One of the ideas that I have to address this situation is to revise your introductory paragraph. You open the essay with a total concentration on the "value" of the make up. Thus creating the image of a person who will spend any "reasonable" amount on make up. Somehow, you set up the paragraph to connect to money rather than your personality.This is a point of thought on your part that often comes up within the essay.
I would open the essay with a story about meeting friends for a movie date or something and being late. I would take the cue from this particular part of your essay:
Never ask me why I'm late if I'm rocking winged eyeliner and killer cheekbones.
That would make a perfect part of your new introduction if you have your friends say something like "Fatima, I wish you could be on time for our friendly outings in the same way you are on time for school." or something along those lines. What I am trying to do here is create the scenario that shows that there are two sides to your personality. The responsible, meticulous, and perfectionist student as opposed to the care-free, devil-may-care, make up loving girl who loves to girly up to the same degree that you like to succeed academically. I believe that will create an interesting description of your personality. Create the idea that you allow yourself to be somewhat of a free-spirit and messy in your personal life, but it does not carry over to your professional / academic life. That way you show a "balanced" personality. You know how to have fun both at work and at play.
I would avoid any references to the "financial" aspect of make-up and instead, concentrate on developing this portion instead as it relates to your 'split personality' :
I love the confidence it inspires in me. It gives me the power to express myself artistically. Many believe makeup is for those insecure about their flaws, but I disagree. Makeup isn't about hiding, it's about highlighting. It's an art for both the subtlest and the most dramatic transformations
Then perhaps you can insert a paragraph that shows how make up and your student side somehow have merged to create the interesting and unique person that you are. Of course these are mere suggestions on my part. Feel free to integrate any or all of it into your 12th draft :-)