Edits and specific feedback if possible. Thanks in advance for your help!
FSU prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life (in 500 or less words).
Although my life has been consumed by Artes, without Vires to keep me physically strong and Mores keep me morally strong, I would not be able to maintain the balance necessary to become a self-sufficient, compassionate adult.
From the time I was an infant, my parents recognized my intense attraction to music. Before I could walk, my attention could be captured by a catchy jingle on the television or radio. In Kindergarten, I was the student who the teachers put in the front row at the microphone because I could carry a tune and remember the words to the songs in the school play. By the time I was 7 years old, I was entertaining and astounding adult audiences singing karaoke songs. One of my most exhilarating experiences was when I was eight years old and performed the National Anthem at a Florida Marlin's baseball game. As I stood there listening to the roaring applause, I knew that I had found my calling. From that point until now, I have pursued opportunities to perform and share my gift.
Voice performance is an ambitous master that teaches many lessons. It can humble the proud and teach you patience. It ensures you study and practice. It teaches you time management and self discipline. It teaches you perseverance and leadership. It can even teach you that sometimes life is not fair and that politics exist in all arenas.
My parents always taught me that disappointment was an opportunity to grow into a stronger person. If I did not get the part I tried out for, they would encourage me to take the smaller part and make it "memorable." They gave me their unconditional love and encouragement and taught me to never give up, and always take a chance. They were always proud of me and always came to every performance.
In addition to vocally performing in a wide variety of choral and drama groups, I have begun to take the opportunity to teach vocal techniques to others not only to improve their musical craft but to refine my own.
The three concepts Vires, Artes, and Mores go hand-in-hand with each other and together, create the ideal well-rounded human being. I believe that my determination and dedication in the arts, as well as in academics represent Florida State's motto. I have become a more independent person with a much stronger character. Without these guiding principles, I would not be the strong, talented individual that I am today.
Maybe you should add a sentence at the beginning to intrigue the reader -- maybe a sentence about discovering that you were wrong about yourself in some way. Intrigue at the start!
Next, let them see that cool sentence about being Artes but needing the other two.
Following that sentence, give the first paragraph a third sentence by explaining what you mean a little more.
Finally, add a fourth sentence to that first paragraph -- a sentence that sums up the overall meaning of the essay... a theme that is like the moral of the story.
By doing those things to beef up the first paragraph, you make the whole essay stronger. It is all about leading the reader's attention.
It will be good if you add a sentence to connect these interests with your plans for success at this particular school.
Good luck!!
Thanks for the input. It was very helpful. Any thoughts from anyone on how to punch it up a little more would be apprieciated.
Here is the next round...
My initial reaction to the essay question was to begin writing about how my passion for music and singing was the driving force in my life. But as I collected my thoughts on the question I realized that I had jumped to the wrong conclusion. Although my life has been consumed by Artes, without Vires to keep me physically strong and Mores keep me morally strong, I would not be able to maintain the balance necessary to become a self-sufficient, compassionate adult. I could be the most talented singer FSU has ever seen but if I do not possess the traits embodied in FSU's philosophy, I will not achieve my full potential.
From the time I was an infant, my parents recognized my intense attraction to music. Before I could walk, my attention could be captured by a catchy jingle on the television or radio. In Kindergarten, I was the student who the teachers put in the front row at the microphone because I could carry a tune and remember the words to the songs in the school play. By the time I was 7 years old, I was entertaining and astounding adult audiences singing karaoke songs. One of my most exhilarating experiences was when I was eight years old and performed the National Anthem at a Florida Marlin's baseball game. As I stood there listening to the roaring applause, I knew that I had found my calling. From that point until now, I have pursued opportunities to perform and share my gift.
I have found voice performance to be an ambitious master that teaches many lessons. It has taught me humility and patience. It has shown me the value of study and practice. It has taught me effective time management and self discipline, in addition to perseverance and leadership. I have also learned the painful lessons that sometimes life is not fair and that politics exist in all arenas.
My parents always assured me that disappointment was an opportunity to grow into a stronger person. If I did not get the part I tried out for, they would encourage me to take the smaller part and make it "memorable." They gave me their unconditional love and encouragement and urged me to never give up, and always take a chance. They were always proud of me and showed up to every performance.
In addition to vocally performing in a wide variety of choral and drama groups, I have begun to take the opportunity to teach vocal techniques to others not only to improve their musical craft but to refine my own.
The three concepts Vires, Artes, and Mores go hand-in-hand with each other and together, create the ideal well-rounded human being. I believe that my determination and dedication in the arts, as well as in academics, represent Florida State's motto. I know that studying at a top-rated, rigorous music program such as yours will motivate me to become a more independent person with a much stronger character.
Very nice. The change was a good one.
