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Making a friend on holiday (common application)


salam001 1 / 5  
Dec 13, 2011   #1
im not sure which prompt to put this essay under. i would appreciate any constructive criticism annd help with diction, grammar and style. please also let me know what picture this essay paints of me. thanks

1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
3 Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
5 A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an
experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

6 Topic of your choice.

"I don't know what that sign is in English!" Zara said as she drew + on the ice.

My only memory of snow is linked with Zara, someone I met on holiday in Dubai three years ago. A vivacious and energetic girl marched up to me in Ski Dubai and gave me an offer I would have been a fool to refuse.

'Hello, my name is Zara. Can i be your friend?' said the girl with exotic looks.

With a cheesy smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day. Zara, a Saudi Arabian, was also on holiday in Dubai and was staying in a hotel at Mall of the Emirates where Ski Dubai was located. She took me to the best attractions in the ski resort and introduced me to the friends she had made over the week. Soon enough, Zara and I realized we had a lot in common. We both wanted to be architects, we were Muslims and we loved playing games. We traded stories about our lives and switched to personal issues when it became clear that our cultural similarities had been exhausted.

Zara did more than become my friend that day; she exemplified new experiences for me. It was no coincidence that the first snow angel i made was with the girl who taught me the meaning of letting go. Over snowball fights, we taught each other about our different cultures. I learned that it was disrespect to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music. Zara was the antithesis of the average Nigerian. She was extremely friendly and had been brought up to embrace other people without an air of suspicion. She was open and unpretentious and she had no air of self-importance.

Zara taught me to let go of all my inhibitions about people and my actions simply by not being afraid to do so herself. Her befriending me portrayed the friendliness and confidence that I imbibed from that day. Zara helped me understand that no matter where you are, you can always make a connection with someone.

Later that day, I saw a picture of Zara and I. It was a striking portrait of a dark-skinned girl in glasses having fun with a dark haired milky-skinned girl. I refused to wait another thirteen years to meet such an amazing person and made a decision. I picked up the phone to call Zara and continued the friendship she started.
ardak 2 / 6  
Dec 14, 2011   #2
Hi, I found some mistakes with punctuation:
...We both wanted to be architects, we were Muslims, and we loved playing games.
....She was open and unpretentious, and she had no air of self-importance.
OP salam001 1 / 5  
Dec 14, 2011   #3
thank you! if you could telll me how strong and interesting this piece is i'd doubly appreciate this. :)
Dii 6 / 24  
Dec 14, 2011   #4
Zara was the antithesis of the average Nigerian. She was extremely friendly and had been brought up to embrace other people without an air of suspicion. She was open and unpretentious and she had no air of self-importance.

Here you stereotype a set of people. The reader may not like that. It the same thing as saying Black people are dumb or White people are dumb.

Instead you could say "Zara was the antithesis of the girls I was used to" or "Zara was different"

Her befriending me portrayed the friendliness and confidence that I imbibed from that day. Zara helped me understand that no matter where you are, you can always make a connection with someone.

This is a unclear.

As to what topic this should fall under, This is an experience (meeting Zara) and you briefly described its impact on you.
I like the style of the essay.
Reread.If the qualities that you wanted to show the admissions officers are clear, Then a few revisions and you are good to go
.
I'm sorry I can't be much help with grammar. Not my forte
esuparusu 1 / 2  
Dec 14, 2011   #5
Hi, I found some grammatical mistakes.
I saw a picture of Zara and I. "I" should be "me"
said the girl with exotic looks. "said a girl with an exotic look"
"Zara did more than become my friend" "becoming" is correct.

I hope my correction will help you.
collegesearcher 3 / 20  
Dec 14, 2011   #6
...said the girl with exotic looks. said the exotic-looking girl.

I learned that it was disrespect to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music. I learned that it was disrespectful to show the soles of my feet to an Arabian; I introduced Zara to Nigerian music

With a cheesy smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day.With a superior smile directed to my sisters, I went off to experience a day that hasn't been replicated to this day."cheesy" might not exactly be the most appropriate word here :)

Also,Chidinma is right. By saying that "Zara was the complete antithesis of the average Nigerian", you sound like you have defined a stereotype and are relieved that Zara is <phew!> not one of "those people". Change that advisably.

Good work :)
OP salam001 1 / 5  
Dec 14, 2011   #7
Thank you guys! i really appreciate it. i will definitely make those changes


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