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Essay on making observations -Common app essay (just looking for a quick review)


jabbsdht 1 / 6  
Dec 22, 2009   #1
Hey guys, i wrote this essay and haven't gotten it peer-reviewed but i think its fine. I'm just asking for any glaring mistakes, and basically what you think of it. i chose the "topic of your choice"

Observational Study

The pavement crackled under my sneakers as I strolled through my neighborhood. Leaves raked along the ground, blown by a silent wind. The cool night kept me alert but I stayed cozy under a light jacket. I left my problems, pressure, and work behind for a few minutes as I walked alone. I kept my mind on my senses, feeling my rubber soles meet road, watching yellow streetlights illuminate a small portion of the road, feeling cool air enter my lungs, but exiting warm, tasting a recent dinner linger in my mouth, and listening to the silence of the night. It was so quiet, I imagined hearing the clouds as they floated along the sky.

I began to wonder how this scene would look if we, humans, were different. For instance, what if we could see more than visible light with the naked eye? The night sky might be brighter with stars burning the color of ultraviolet light. My imagination began to spread. I started to list the senses that we have, the senses we could have, and their alternatives. If evolution had taken a single deviation, how would life be on such an alien planet?

I fall into my thoughts in any situation, whether it be strolling in my neighborhood thinking about my sense of sight, sitting in the passenger seat observing relative speeds between cars and trees, or walking along the beach watching the simple harmonic motion of waves. One of my favorite places to lose myself is Six Flags. Every time a screaming car rushes by I listen to the Doppler effect. Every time a roller coaster is let go at the top of the hill, I think of the Conservation of Energy. Every time a person is slung inside a giant hamster ball connected to two poles by rubber, I think of Tension force.

Noticing detail and expanding upon it can be thought of as an hobby of mine. It started in the virtual world of video games. Since the creation of games, video game developers have been stretching the limitations of the latest technology to render their interactive imaginations. Each year I was awed be newer graphical capabilities. I marveled over better looking characters, environments, and animations. As computer graphics began to look like and compete with real life images, my awe spilled over to reality, and thus I began to appreciate nature's beauty.

When speaking of nature, I not only mean forests, animals, and mountains. I also refer to humanity, all things man-made, and everything else encompassed in the universe, and possibly beyond. In this sense, nature is undescribable in its beauty. Nature's hidden traits and qualities yearn to be found and appreciated. Humanity's goal, I believe, is to travel to the depths of the universe and understand the inner workings of nature.
dizzydaydreams 5 / 26  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
watching yellow streetlights light a small portion of the road i would change to watching yellow streetlights illuminate a small portion of the road
I imagined myself hearing the clouds float along the sky. just sounds kind of off...maybe change to "I imagined I could hear the clouds float along the sky" or "I imagined myself hearing the clouds as they floated along the sky"

I began to wonder how this scene would look if we were different
For instance, what if we could see more than visible light with the naked eye?
who is we? AVOID!

My imagination began spreading. I started listing the senses we have, the senses we could have,
My imagination began to spread . I started to list the senses that we have, the senses that we could have
Watch "WE" again

it seems a little flighty...first you're walking, then you're at six flags, then video games, then appreciation of nature and humanity...i see how you got there, but you might want to make it more uniform and a smoother transition?

just some thoughts, but good prose!
sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
feeling cool air entering my lungs, but exiting warm, tasting a recent dinner lingering in my mouth, and listening to the silence if the night.

a little awkward with the "but".. I know what you mean trying to compare the cool air and the warm air in your mouth.

listening to the silence of the night
that's what you meant, right?

It was so quiet, I imagined myself hearing the clouds float along the sky

a run-on sentence..
It was so quiet that I felt like I could hear the clouds float in the sky would be better.

I began to wonder how this scene would look if we were different. For instance, what if we could see more than visible light with the naked eye?

I think you need to have another paragraph starting with the quoted sentence.

Your essay really interests me, especially when you talk about how video games inspired you..
OP jabbsdht 1 / 6  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
THANKS a bunches fellow applicants. i revised my essay quickly based on what you said and this is my final version. i know i had pretty lousy and silly errors like (of, not if) for a nearly final draft, but my deadline is today so i just did a quick and final revise. I already submitted my commmon app with this essay attached, but boy am i nervous!

glad you like my prose daydreams!

Jiyoon, glad you found my essay interesting, i was hoping that mentioning video games isn't a killer or anything because my short answer is all about Video games.


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