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"In Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital" - JHU supplement

mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 24, 2010   #1
Please be harsh and tell me what you think.
I have 350 words, What can I cut out?

Write a brief essay (250 words maximum each question) in which you respond to the following questions. (Freshman applicants only):

1.Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I'm lying on my bamboo bed looking at the bright pink celling of my attic, reminding myself to paint it dark blue this weekend. I imagine what a different feeling it would give my room. A new, exciting bold look. My mind then drifts off to the future. I imagine myself in five, ten, fifteen years. Where am I? What am I doing? Am I happy? Am I proud of what I'm doing? Of what I am accomplishing? Am I married, a mother, still single? How many things have I checked off my "to do before I die" list? Have I got my pilot license yet? Been jet skiing, climbed mt. Kilimanjaro?

In moments like these I envision all sorts of possibilities. I'm in Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital, volunteering at a women's clinic, spreading awareness of HIV/AIDS with a NGO. Somehow, there are always common elements to my visions. I end up imagining my self in a foreign country, (unfortunately still single), definitely happy and proud of what I'm accomplishing, working with underprivileged people. With an enthusiasm for traveling and yearn for experiencing diverse cultures first-hand, I picture myself in a local area, working with a NGO in a health-related mission.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted to go into the field of health. I was the head surgeon to my toy animals, the nurse to my brothers and the girl with the cutest first aid kit on camping trips. This is why I am pursuing a degree in public health. Reading about the internship with a local NGO whilst studying abroad in Cape Town made this course even more desirable. It is tailored to my every interest! Going to the US for the first time, living and studying in JHU, and working in South Africa will definitely allow me to experience new cultures. The top-notch education at JHU, new challenges, and growing collection of memories will add to my wealth of experiences. And as a bonus I can check off two more things from my "to do before I die" list: Live in the famous US whilst studying at the prestigious JHU, and working in South Africa.
MSL123 4 / 11  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
It's good becuase it shows that you are ambitious
OP mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 25, 2010   #3
Thanks for that!
I've actually never been to America haha think its a bit of a misunderstanding.
Do you think the introduction and last paragraph is a bit long and irrelevant?
Jonika 4 / 11  
Dec 25, 2010   #4
I'm not too sure about my corrections but before it was definitely a fragment. I thought overall, it was a great essay because it was easy to read and your personality really came through. I believe that both the first and last paragraphs are relevant and I would keep them like they are.

If you have time, it would be great if you could take a look at one of my essays. I'm applying to JHU as well!
mikeehnow 3 / 30  
Dec 26, 2010   #5
Well, your grammar is basically impeccable, and I think your last paragraph is great. It gives people more ideas about why you really want to go to JHU and how determined you are.
yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 26, 2010   #6
I really like it! I can get a sense of what type of person you are and your essay shows that you are a driven person.

lightoftheeyes revision is good. EXEPT I would just change the part about America to "Coming to America for the first time, living and studying at JHU..."

good luck!
Jonika 4 / 11  
Dec 26, 2010   #7
I remember reading something from the JHU admission site that says the essay cannot be one word of 250. Just a word of warning
OP mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 27, 2010   #8
Thank you all!!
I am currently in Japan, have lived here my whole life so "going to america" (I have yet to go for the first time) Is better, no?
iceui2 - / 70  
Dec 27, 2010   #9
It's a pretty good essay. If you want to shorten it, cut the introduction. Admission officers want you to cut the fluff and get right to the point. :)
mikeehnow 3 / 30  
Dec 28, 2010   #10
The last sentence, "And, I can check off three more things from my "to do before I die" list: Live in America, study at the prestigious JHU, and work in South Africa." can be made better like this:

And ( Colleges don't usually like sentences starting with "and". Also, the word "and" doesn't connect the two ideas properly.) , I can check off three more things from my "to do before I die" list: living in America, studying at the prestigious JHU, and working in South Africa.

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