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Mama said we could fix it up; NYU-what intrigues you?

Karla281995 6 / 15 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #1
What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

I missed the spacious tabernacle on the hill. I walked into the new sanctuary disgusted at its presence. This place represented one-tenth of the old one. The tiny space, the blaring music, and the cheap noisy fan, I hated it all. The brown, hollering ladies-it wasn't enough.

We moved to a bigger place. Mama said we could fix it up. It was infested with dark, cockroaches and little mice that never hid. The brown old ladies didn't speak English. I hated hearing their Haitian tongue. However, by name I knew everybody there. Smelly kids with runny noses, inexistent youth group-it wasn't enough.

I'll admit, mama was right. The place began looking pretty nice. All except the backyard, with no color or swings for the kids. I sat at the back with not a note to sing, but I stared straight down at my Haitian hymnal. No friends, No pianist-it wasn't enough.

They asked me to teach the children. After that, they circled me with toothless giggles. But we still did not have a lot of money. Whenever I went to take a leak, watered down soap fell right through my hands. Random drummer boy, No projector screen-it wasn't enough.

Every month we celebrated birthdays. We surrounded a table with good food and laughter. I went around and gave a kiss to all the ladies and for the kids, I got them a little gift. We still didn't have many people but for that I was blessed to get to know them all. In the sanctuary, I sang in my Haitian tongue. Huge smiles, even bigger hearts-it was all enough.

I feel like this gets iffy because I don't explain the significance to me. I really hope you guys see why this is meaningful/intrigues me. Should I leave it like this? Right now this is 1,486 characters. Even if I took some out to explain the significance, it would change the tone right? Okay, please help guys!!!
yoitsm - / 2  
Dec 31, 2012   #2
From what I can see, it doesn't seem as though you're really showing much of a personality here. It shows that you are disgusted with your new environment, but you don't go into depth about why any of it disgusts you. Furthermore, your transition into your last stanza about it finally being enough is very prompt. There is no gradience of emotions leading into it whatsoever - it's just like, oh wow so now things are good? Try to add in a bit more of a transitioning explanation from where things are bad to where things are good for you.

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