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"My Mantra" - Common Application Essay


KupcakeKim 4 / 10  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Prompt: "Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice. The essay should help us to become acquainted with you as a person while demonstrating your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself."

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I have a quote that I have applied throughout my life, so often that it's become my mantra. Among the list of proverbs and silly mottos that my Romanian mother has provided me with, this one has stuck out the most. And believe me, it's hard to out-do her when she mistakenly says, "The fly doesn't fly far from the tree trunk." It has given me the strength necessary to get through tough moments in my life. No saying could be presented in a more affirming and positive way than, "Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte," or the Romanian version of, "I can do anything I put my mind to." Not too long ago, I found myself in a position that once again proved the saying true.

One Friday afternoon I received a phone call from my friend Fay. She asked me if I could cover for somebody in a show she was in - a flash mob. A flash mob, she explained, is a brief, synchronized performance at a public place, made to surprise passersby. This one was being organized by the Las Vegas Rainbow Company Youth Theatre to advertise an upcoming musical. They had been practicing for two weeks and at the last minute someone had dropped out. Final rehearsal was to be held later that night at the Fashion Show Mall, and the performance was the next day.

I wondered out loud how I would learn the dance moves on such short notice. I wasn't sure if I could do it, but it sounded like a great opportunity and I was ready to give it a try. Fay suggested I go to her house before the practice so she could teach me.

Within an hour I had the dance steps down, but not the blocking. Blocking includes where, when, and how a person moves about the stage, and thus was important for me to know if I planned on blending in. Fay told me that I was to learn all this at the run-through.

Later when the rehearsal at the mall started, I became nervous. I remembered that I used to have nightmares about being in shows and not having a clue about where to go or what to do. Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte, I thought over and over so as to shake off the feeling.

Everyone walked through the blocking on the mall's runway and I followed along, hoping to prove to myself there was no reason to worry. However, as the first run-through came to an end, I made a mistake. The song was ending and I found myself very far away from where my final pose was supposed to be! I ended up leaping across the runway in fake-ballerina moves to the right spot. It was embarrassing, and I could only hope that none of the janitors wiping the Apple Store windows had noticed it. Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte went through my head again, and I put aside my embarrassment. The second time was much better.

I went home that night and thought about how happy I was that Fay had thought to ask me for help. Even more than that, I was thrilled about my decision to participate, and excited for the performance.

The next day, the group met at the food court a half hour before the show. So as not to create suspicion, we were to drift over to the general area two or three people at a time and browse among the shops until our cue. The wait seemed long but finally the music on the mall's speakers changed and the first group of people ventured into formation. Fay and I and the rest of the dance crew joined the crowd that formed, pretending to not understand what was going on.

I exclaimed how odd it was that these people had started to dance out of nowhere. A lady next to me agreed, some in my vicinity pointed, and a group of boys behind me laughed.

When my turn to join the dance came, I hopped out from the crowd, no longer a bystander, and heard gasps from those who had surrounded me. "Did you see that?! She just jumped right in, as if she knew the dance too!" A smile flashed across my face and I began to do just that.

During the last dance formation I remember looking into the crowd and seeing their entertained faces. These people had only planned to stroll along the mall that day, and had wound up witnesses to an unexpected spectacle. It felt great to be a part of it. Their reactions reassured me that I had made a good choice.

The dance ended and we all dispersed into different directions in the mall, as if nothing had happened. I walked away with the biggest grin, realizing that I had done it! I had wanted to help my friend and I had pulled it off. By going all the way through with my commitment- even when I found myself a little embarrassed and lost- I had the experience of a lifetime.

My hopes are that this same attitude will help me create positive outcomes from the difficult situations I will face in the future. Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte!

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This will go on my Commonapp long essay to seven colleges.

You've never met me before; what qualities do you learn about me and how do I come across?
Are there any superflious details? Any fluff that needs to be taken out?
Are there any fuzzy concepts that you don't understand?
Is it too long?
Is there a title that would fit better than "My Mantra"?

Harsh criticism welcome!
Kris012 1 / 1  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
This is great and well written, but I think its too long. The rule of thumb is usually around 500 words. I would try to cut it down at least 100 words. Maybe put a little less detail into the logistics of the event?? Your actions are what is most important. Hope this helps a litte!!

...
could you possibly give me a little feedback on my essay to brown/UVA?
OP KupcakeKim 4 / 10  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Very valid point, thank you, I will do that!
And yes, I'd be glad to help.
TC3 4 / 37  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
hello kimberly!

first, thank you sooo much with your helpful comments! (=

as for your essay, i suggest you start with the quote rather than say that. since i got a little annoyed having to read what u had to say before telling me what the quote was. suspensful? yes. but it sortof made me skim the first two sentences and not pay attention on what you are writing about.

i also agree with the previious comment though, and that its a bit too long. you could defintitely shorten. i like your essay though! very well-written, and you seem to have a great personality (=
OP KupcakeKim 4 / 10  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
@ TC3

do you mean like this?

I have a quote that I have applied throughout my life, so often that it's become my mantra. "Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte," or the Romanian version of, "I can do anything I put my mind to." Among the list of proverbs and silly mottos that my Romanian mother has provided me with, this one has stuck out the most. The saying is presented in such an affirming and positive way that it has given me the strength necessary to get through many tough moments. Not too long ago, I found myself in a position that once again proved the saying true.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 6, 2010   #6
Among the list of various proverbs and silly mottos that my Romanian mother has provided me with, this one has stuck out the most. ----"list of" did not go with "among the"

A flash mob, she explained, is a brief, synchronized performance at a public place, made to surprise passersby.

Wow! Awesome! that is the coolest thing I have ever heeard of...

Hey, Kim, I guess I think they are looking for good composition: topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph, conclusion sentences that reflect and evaluate what you have said, etc. Because of your use of good dialogue and great descriptions, you certainly can stray from the typical 4-5 sentence paragraphs of typical essay composition sometimes, but I think if you revise this some more you should focus on pulling some solid paragraphs together with crisp topic sentence.

You have a great username!


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