Hey guys, this is my common app significant experience and impact essay. I first wrote about new york and my vacation there, but I decided to change it to this, about maplestory.
Please provide suggestions! Also, is this risky? and how risky?
The room was dark and freezing cold. Fatigue sealed my eyes and soreness plagued my body. It was 3 AM on a school day. I pulled myself out of bed and walked over to my laptop. The bright screen pierced my eyes. I launched the game Maplestory and waited for the seller living in Australia to log on, and he did. A quick transaction followed, and I made a billion-meso profit. Unknowingly, Maplestory has become a central part of my life.
Dying to monsters or falling off a cliff, I initially struggled to connect with the game, perhaps because I have not identified my niche in the game yet; however, I found it in the free market where thousands of players gather and bargin. Thousands of items were traded, sold, and bought. When I entered the venue, my purpose in the game became clear: buy low, sell high.
I took it upon myself to memorize every item in the game and their price ranges. Risking ten dollars, I bought ten million in-game mesos for capital. Endless days and restless nights, I browsed the market and stocked my inventory with gems. Characterized with patience but filled with hunger and desperation, I then sold the gems to procure my first profit. The kill was both satisfying and addicting, and the desire for a second kill lurked in my mind. Moving from gems to godly equipment, my in-game wealth aggrandized. After five years, I emerged out of forty million players as one of the wealthiest players in Maplestory; my in-game-name became an iconic symbol for the populace.
Sensing an upcoming important game update, I predicted that the value of diamonds in the game could potentially surge by tenfold following the update. Confident in my prediction, I risked my entire wealth to monopolize all the diamonds in the game, buying them at above-equilibrium price, causing mass inflation in the game market. So much power, but at so much risk, and I was wrong. The value of diamond deflated severely. I lost everything; a king rises and falls.In love with the market, I decided to develop into the stock market. I assumed the responsibility to learn everything about investments. I joined virtual trading at MarketWatch, Marketocracy, and Stock Wars. Following hours of company analyses every day, I acquired an above-average return. Filled with confidence, I persuaded my mom to give me some capital for investment through Scottrade, and she did. Researching even harder now, I managed to bring about $70 monthly income as capital gains into the family.
Through Maplestory, I discovered my intrinsic love for finance. What started as a game matured into a way of life, luring out my innate desire for economic affairs. Every second, I cogitate on how the law of supply and demand wraps itself around the financial realm, how it bends itself to accommodate alterations and dynamics of other laws. These thoughts constitute my mind, a mind passionate for business.
i like it... but the 2nd line is too dramatic that it's unrealistic... you should make it more real.
Should I just take it out? It was referring to the workout I had earlier at the gym, should i squeeze that in somewhere? Also, when you said "I like it.." do you really like it? lol. my teachers said it is too risky :/
hmm... either take it out or clarify.
its diff from the run off the mill essays... will make adcoms smile, imo.
I think I will take it out! Thank you so much for helping!
Lastly, what do you think of the writing style? Did everything flow, understandable? Was there a voice, tone? And most importantly, was it fun and interesting to read?
yup... it was full of life and voice. yeah, i followed without ever having used Maplestory before.
It was really fun to read your essay.
As a korea, I had many friends who earend money through maple story.
However, one thing I want to suggest to you is that your essay is too much focused on you playing the game.
THe story itself is fun and energyzing it is just how you present yourself.
All I could get from your essay, from the conclusion, is that you have innate love for finance. I know this may be your intention. However, the readers want more in terms of your personality and character.
Also, depending on the reader, you could be classified as an otaku, or a business genius.
It would be better if you could focus on one incident, so you can build the essay to reveal who you really are.
LOL MAPLESTORY. Fun read. Not sure college app material.
I wouldn't say its not a college material.
There was a student who wrote about computer games and got accepted to Stanford University.
It relaly depends on how you present yourself.
:/ well, I wrote it with the intention of showing passion for finance, but i also threw in traits such as me always trying to learn more and more and expand my knowledge, risk-taker, logical thinker, etc.
Also, depending on the reader, you could be classified as an otaku, or a business genius.
what does that mean..LOL. Would a stanford adcom think that way?
I wouldn't say its not a college material.There was a student who wrote about computer games and got accepted to Stanford University.It relaly depends on how you present yourself.
haha stanford is my target school right now :)
You will get a great definition for otaku in urbandictionary.com ;)
But, as far as I know, there are many otaku's in Stanford, and I can't say it will count against you.
Amplify your traits in the essay. I'm sure Maplestory is a somewhat interesting topic that will engage the readers. Make it easy for them to catch it.
Good luck with Stanford! I'm applying as well, so hope to see you there
I agree with the previous comments in regards to the credibility of your essay you should try to make much more of a personal connection making it sound less of a story, instead of just vividly describing every moment you should describe how you felt during each moment
We all take risks; Maplestory, Common App
I received a lot of critique on my old version of this essay about how it focused too much on the game, how it didnt show much about me, and so on. So i went on a massive editing spree lol. This is the new version, please revise if necessary! Thanks! I really need all the help i can getT_T
Hey, just as a pre-warning. You will be suspended if you haven't deleted your old post.
Anyway, I like this version. Well done bud!
These kills were both satisfying and addicting, and the desire for an ever greater kill lurked in my mind I would avoid using addicting . After five years, I emerged out of forty million players as one of the wealthiest players in Maplestory.
Excellent essay. Very unique, shows your real world experience, and your willingness to take risk. If you tweak it any more just try and make it your own rather than hitting the thesaurus.
I really enjoyed reading your essay. It's unique; it connects what you like to in your past time and what you want to do in the future.
Ambitiously , I persuaded my mom to lend me...
I however, disagree Prora. I think the word addicting successfully shows how much you love about the game and business.
Your essay is very interesting. You made your connection with the game into a nice topic and explained how it affected you. Well done!
Good luck with your application =)
a really good essay.well written but has too many big words at times.
The tie-in to the real world is especially interesting. In my opinion it does not go too much into the game so definitely an improvement from the last one.
Very interesting story. Although I am not a guy who is into stock markets and stuff, it was fun to read. I like the way you have shown the experience you gained from MapleStory to your real life situation. Keep up the good work. :)
Hey, I have already submitted this common app essay to 8 schools, and now school started so i asked my peers to read it, but everyone said it is terrible..is it? I am about to break down in tears right now. Going to get rejected from all the schools and not go to college next year T_T
This reminds me far too much of myself. I've done the same thing, just on a different game.
I think we can both attest to the fact that so much of the market is emotion (or maybe just I can). The stock market is hardly about finding some financially sound company - it's about predicting panic before it happens.
Anyway, I think your essay is decent enough. Unfortunately, so many people vilify the individuals on Wall Street. I think some colleges may deny you this fact. People don't like individuals who display greed (you were wealthy after 5 years on maplestory), and for some reason they don't like the stock market. However, I think some college might see potential and accept you.. except that hardly any colleges value economics in the sense of making money - too much of it is just useless global trends.
If you do get rejected, don't worry. You can always live a successful life without a prominent college experience. Then you can go back to all your friends and brag to them about how you did it.
Life success is hardly determined by education - it's determined by intelligence, proper hard work, and initiative. If you set out to do something with an unwavering mindset, you WILL do it. You should explore more opportunities - perhaps you could get in contact with investment groups.