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Marching Band (My Essay For UF)

Kelz0 2 / 4  
Sep 8, 2009   #1
* In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. 3885 characters

While my mind runs wild searching for the memory that lies deep in my heart...I catch a glimpse of my competition at Hialeah High School. I am a tiny freshman, marching alongside my teammates in the air constrained, black & blue uniforms. I grip my rusty, gold trumpet tightly in my hands and march onto the field. As we all face the sea of colors in the audience, I feel the beat of the drums in my pulse. Through my eyes I don't see the group of bands waiting eagerly to witness our performance, but only what this whole band and I have put into this show. The blood, sweat, and tears that I call marching band. As we stand in the middle of the field with adrenaline rushing, the announcer's thunderous voice emerges from the speakers. "And now...please welcome, from Lake Worth, the Park Vista High School Striking Cobra Marching Band!" The sea of colors comes to life & welcomes us to the field. "Tonight Park Vista will be performing 'The Four Seasons'. Selections include spring, summertime, autumn leaves, and fanfare for a new year!" shouts the overconfident announcer. "Drum Major's is you're band ready?" his voice echoes. "There always ready!" someone screams proudly, bringing a hard lump to my throat, knowing that this will be the final performance of the year. The drum majors triumphantly salute to the judges and shake each others hands. "Park Vista you may take the field" bellows the announcer as the crowd roars. The drum majors count us off and the show begins. My memory flashes rapidly through the four seasons of our show, like a clock fast-forwarding through time. I feel the music of spring flow within me and see the beautiful color guard girls gracefully leap across the field. An ensemble of brass soon evolves and emits a melody of summertime. The color of the music flourishes, while we all move in sync to the back of the field. The flags of the guard ripple into autumn leaves. My mind takes off into fanfare of a new year as we form into a ball dropping in Times Square on New Years Eve. Suddenly we all turn and kneel towards a trumpet soloist. Her sound soars into the night, giving a new meaning to New Year's Eve. Then we join in and walk down the 50 yard line confidently playing our song, while that same lump bulges up in my throat. I stand on the 50 yard line and face the crowd with my team. We all bow our heads down and look up fiercely to the box office & end our show. United we stand to show the judges and everyone else watching how hard we have all worked. I feel the tears water in my eyes and slowly fall as the applause thunders all around us. Unexpectedly the glimpse of that memory flashes to the picturesque moment were we are standing among the sea of colors now surrounding the field. Every band now anxiously awaits their score from the judges. My heart gradually begins beating faster and faster as I hear the announcer's voice once again tremble through the speakers. "Seminole Ridge High School fifth place! Olympic Heights High School fourth place! Wellington High School third place!" At that moment I held my breath...for some reason in my gut I knew that we were going to be called next. "Park Vista High School... second place!" Immediately I felt the blood rush to the center of my cheeks in amazement and spread like wildfire through my face. The band captain calls us up to attention to acknowledge our award and the memory slips away. This single moment for one person may mean absolutely nothing. As for me it means the world. I will always remember this night, way back in my freshman year, as it lies hidden in my diary and represented as trophies in the band room. The experience of band has made me a more responsible, mature & stronger individual. What I can bring to the University of Florida are these three qualities as well as commitment to the clubs that I will be part of & the academics that I will work hard

for & succeed well in. I will remember that amazing feeling I got when I performed for the last time because of everything I went through with this family. The hard practices that we all got through together & the many tears we all shed from the beginning to the end. This is a big part of my life that I will never forget. It made me feel that I was part of something amazing and nobody could change it.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 8, 2009   #2
This is not an essay. It's one long run-on paragraph. Break this into paragraphs. Along the way, proofread for sentence fragments and other simple errors such as using "&" when you mean "and" or "there" when you mean "their." Once it's in essay form, we'll be better able to read and critique it.

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