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"marching band camp" An essay of how I spent my summers

sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), if not already detailed in the Common Application. (2500 characters max)

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. :)

I spent a very memorable two weeks of my summer of 2008 at a camp called "Global Scholars," where I met a diverse group of students and counselors who were enthusiastic about understanding the world around them, and about what they could offer in making the world a better place. Our discussions on topics like US-Saudi Arabia relation, war on terrorism, and China's policy on AIDS, opened my eyes to different ideas and perspectives. Also, through "Campaign Idol," my friends and I had a unique opportunity to present our ideas on the rehabilitation of child soldiers.

After the breathtaking Global Scholars experience, I moved onto my first marching band camp. Under the scorching sun, our band started building the year's show, "1964." I learned the basics of marching, of gently rolling my feet across the grass and keeping my chin high, with many others' help. On the last day of the camp, we successfully performed two out of the four parts of the show in front of the crowd, just what we were aiming for. Though my first ever, the performance was less nerve-wracking than I expected, as I realized marching was a collaborative effort of those on the field.

My summer of 2009 was also at two places away from home. I went to a journalism workshop, because I wanted to explore various fields of journalism, including newspapers, televisions, and radios, which were all part of my daily life. I had a chance to ask political journalists about their career paths, learn how to do a stand-up reporting, and develop my writing skills. The most exciting part was, however, meeting inspiring people of my age who were deeply passionate about what they loved, whether it was writing for the school newspaper or taking pictures for the school yearbook.

In August, I returned to the school marching band camp, with more experience and sense of responsibility. As a senior, I tried to help incoming freshmen marchers with basic marching skills and with adjusting to the camp environment, by remembering what was difficult for me as an inexperienced member the year before. Our seemingly endless, sweaty rehearsals at the camp paid off by having a great full performance of "Fiddler on the Roof" a month later.

Not only were both summers simply a break from doing schoolwork, but also a time for me to think about the importance of being passionate as an individual and of being cooperative and responsible as a member of a group. Those two summers will remain irreplaceable from my memory.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
considering the time you spent reading my essay, i had to read this one for you. thanks. anyway, my advice to you is focus on one activity from each summer, by listing so many you never get to the reflective level which is what you need. Focus on one activity you like, reflect, and make it the focus of your essay and show how it changed you if thats applicable. You have some ideas to work with, and also i'd leave a little more room for a concluding paragraph so you could write more if space is an issue. Try to come up with a more profound, stronger conclusion, it just seems to be stating the obvious. Good luck.
OP sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
Thank you for your valuable comment, Simrath. I'll definitely work on my conclusion.

But I'm also kind of sad that you didn't understand my approach. At the end, I was trying to tie together my emphasis on the importance of being a passionate individual (through my experiences in the world affairs camp and in the journalism camp) and on the importance of being cooperative and responsible as a member of a group (through my consecutive marching camp experiences). Do you think this approach might be hard for readers to understand? If then, I should focus on one activity, like you mentioned.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
I spent two very memorable weeks during the summer of 2008 at a camp called "Global Scholars," where...

Moving on to something is not the same as moving onto something. You can move onto a platform, but you move on to a new life.

After the breathtaking Global Scholars experience, I moved on to my first marching band camp. Under the...

Use the active voice:
I spent part of my summer of 2009 at two places away from home.

The rest of this is quite impressive except for the last sentence. You cannot really say, "Irreplacable from my memory." I'll leave it to you to come up with a cool sentence to replace this last one. you can say without comparison in my memory, for example...

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