In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. Max 500 words.
I stand at the edge of the football field, nervously awaiting my fate, as if a soldier on his first day of battle. I am not surrounded by a squadron of blood thirsty soldiers but instead by my fellow band mates. We stand armed with instruments as opposed to guns, ready to annihilate the judge's doubts with our well rehearsed music. As the announcer says, "East Bay High School," over the intercom, I know it is time for war.
The five minute performance ends swiftly in a blur. All I can do is hope that we sounded as I good as I feel. As begin to descend from my adrenaline high, and commence marching off the field, I allow my mind to wonder. When I reflect on my high school career, every memory that stains my brain is of marching band. Every significant triumph and devastating defeat, I experienced within the music program.
Being a military brat, I began high school knowing no one. Since I had played clarinet in middle school, I figured if nothing else I could at least meet some new people by joining band. But I did not take this decision lightly. I asked myself, am I really going to have enough time to go to class, meet new people, and be in band?
All of my fears were put to rest shortly after I became a member of the marching band. I learned immediately that the key to success was all about time management and self discipline. I spent eight hours a week practicing, three hours at games, and sometimes entire Saturdays at competitions. Of course, this became increasingly more difficult as high school progressed but my passion for music would never let me give up. Band gave me a since of drive and motivation that eventually translated to every aspect of my life. I became involved in sports, eventually lettering in 3. And with my new found confidence I became a social butterfly, and to my surprise even made homecoming court. I learned that dedication didn't mean I couldn't have a life, it just meant I had to have my priorities in order.
Marching band is defined by Webster as group of individuals who play music whilst walking in sync. But for me marching band was a savior. It taught me the true meaning of hard work. It taught me about time management and sacrifice. All while allowing me to sharpen my craft as a musician. I am in no way saying that marching band was the end all be my entire entire high school career. I am however saying that without it I would be an entirely different person than I am right now. It taught me that passion is only half the battle, the rest is won with hard work and self discipline. As I carry what I have learned into the next chapter of my life, there is no doubt in my mind, that I will not only enrich my own life but your university as well.
Nice solid essay. Its a great start.
"The five minute performance ends swiftly in a blur." This seems a little redundant to me. Maybe try "The five minute performance ends in a blur."
...commence marching off the field, I allow my mind to wander . To me it makes more sense this way.
Keep up the good work!
bloodthirsty --- one word
well-rehearsed ---- needs a hyphen
five-minute --- needs a hyphen
I think this needs to be preceded by a topic sentence: Being a military brat, I began high...
Instead of letting that be the first sentence of the para, it is good to add a topic sentence before it... maybe a sentence that uses the notion of it being a "savior." Introduce the idea of 'savior' here, so that later it will be familiar. Also, by talking in the intro to this paragraph about how band was a savior, it won't be an abrupt change of topic like it was when the sentence began with a mention of being a military brat.
If you work on coming up with another meaningful idea to share, so that this essay takes on a new dimension, you can take out some sentences that are not so important. This one is not so important, but I'll correct it anyway:
I am in no way saying that marching band was the end all be my only important experience in my entire entire high school career.
So... know what I mean? Make a unique observation about the implications of this, and write about it. Try to make every sentence interesting. :-)
It would be good if you added a dimension by connecting band with your chosen career, even if you only have a tentatively chosen career.
