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'marine biology' -Cornell supplement and am looking for extra opinions


bellacose 3 / 10  
Sep 10, 2012   #1
Breath of Coursework/Peers ; Cornell Transfer - Why and what do you want to study?

Hi guys,

I just finished writing the essay from the Cornell transfer supplement and would really appreciate some honest, detailed feedback. Yes, I know it's a little long, but I feel that all of the content I have as of now is necessary. Here is the prompt:

"Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why or how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests."

The following is the semi rough draft that I've managed to come up with so far:

As a child, daily exchanges between my parents and I generally included the words "But how do we know?" from me, followed by "I don't know, Trevor" from my mother or father. By this time, my inquisitiveness had evolved from the endearing, questioning nature of a child into a thirst for answers that even my mother, an educator, couldn't seem to quench. My mother often recalls an instance in which I asked the question "How do we know that colors all look the same to each of us?" as the moment she realized that I was destined for a life of questioning.

In an effort to provide me with intellectual stimulation as well as a forum for my curiosity, my mother enrolled me in a summer museum school program that was sponsored by the Forth Worth Museum of Science and Natural History. I have very fond memories of my many summers in museum school spent soaking up knowledge on a variety of subjects, but I wanted more. In retrospect, I truly was the very personification of the words "the more you learn, the more you realize how little you know", spoken by Socrates. While museum school temporarily satisfied my desire for answers, this satisfaction proved fleeting.

As I progressed through my education I found many subjects fascinating. However, I felt as though many of these subjects focused on answering the particular questions of their field while ignoring the more fundamental issues such as those relating to existence, consciousness, and time. In my early high school years I was convinced that I was destined for a life of study in the sciences, more specifically, marine biology. But, as my knowledge base in this field grew, I found myself asking the same questions: "How can we know that for sure?", which then led to the even more perplexing: "Can we really hope to know anything for sure?".

It was at this point that I realized that I was not meant to study in the sciences. My questions were too abstract to be satiated by anything other than the discipline of philosophy, specifically, metaphysics. Philosophy, and its unrelenting reliance on logic and reason appeals to my natural inclination to seek answers to the fundamental prior to attempting to answer secondary, more specific issues. Furthermore, with its focus on argumentation and discourse, the skills that I will develop as an undergraduate philosophy student at Sage will prove valuable as I pursue the more distant goal of attending law school.

Transferring to Cornell University's College of Arts and Sciences in the next logical step in my interminable quest for answers. My reasoning for transferring to Cornell ranges from the practical to the less tangible. At the most basic level, with my plans to attend law school, my current, two year institution simply can't provide me with the degree necessary for me to pursue that goal. The Tarrant County College system has been an indispensable asset throughout my college education, and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the crucial role it has played thus far. However, it has limits, and I have reached them.

Admittedly, If my aim was to simply earn a bachelors degree so that I would be eligible to attend law school, my needs could be satisfied by a number of different four year universities. Of course, there are many institutions that could provide me with a means to an end, with law school being that end. However, after visiting Cornell's beautiful campus, chatting with members of its diverse student body, and meeting some of its esteemed professors, I am convinced that there is no other institution that can provide me with what I have found in Cornell.

Upon my first visit to Cornell's campus in the Spring of 2013 I had the good fortune of being able to speak with Jesse, who at the time was a Junior in the Sage School of Philosophy. From Jesse I learned of the small, intimate class sizes at Arts and Sciences, and more specifically, at Sage that allowed for detailed and engaging conversation between peers and the professor. As we casually strolled through West Campus, Jesse also told me of the of the three philosophical journals that call sage home, one of of which is organized and run by a small group of philosophy majors.


As my exploration of the beautiful campus continued, I was able to meet Professor Richard Miller, with whom I spoke about the Law and Society minor and the outstanding Cornell Program on Ethics and Public Life. As a future law student with aspirations of elected office, I found both of these programs extremely exciting. These opportunities combine to create an unique intellectual environment, the likes of which I do not believe I will find at any other university.

Cornell's commitment to its founder, Ezra Cornell's dream of establishing an "institution where any person can find instruction in any study" is evident even now, almost 150 years later. As a community college student and less than traditional applicant, this mantra is extremely pertinent to me. Additionally, The remarkable breadth of coursework available to students in Arts and Sciences means that while I won't be able to take every course across its enormous range, I will have the unparalleled opportunity to be exposed to individuals who are pursuing a wide variety of interests. Due to its unwavering commitment to accessibility, its unrivaled diversity, and its implacable chase of academic excellence, I would be honored and elated to join the Cornell community.
Shayke_96 6 / 19  
Sep 11, 2012   #2
Its quite good...and long...but all the same good
OP bellacose 3 / 10  
Sep 11, 2012   #3
Do you think it's too long? The guidelines said 500-750 words and I'm sitting at about 760...

Thanks for the response,

Trevor
Shayke_96 6 / 19  
Sep 13, 2012   #4
Yep...i think its too long...state your points in a concise way...k =D
Shayke_96 6 / 19  
Sep 13, 2012   #5
And I'm also applying to Cornell...so could you look at my essay and see if answers the prompt...not so sure it does.
OP bellacose 3 / 10  
Sep 17, 2012   #6
Bump...

Does anybody else have anything to add? I feel like I'm not getting much feedback.
OP bellacose 3 / 10  
Sep 18, 2012   #7
Somebody, anybody... I really need the opinions of others before I send this off. Right now, all I have to go off of is that it's a little long.
ace 5 / 66 5  
Sep 19, 2012   #8
The last sentence is too complex and some words are really uncommon. It should be simpler and to the point - many teachers read the first and the last paragraph only ;)
ramenhood 1 / 3  
Sep 26, 2012   #9
Well spoken paper. Only a couple things:

Might not name drop Bill Nye and the others. You don't need it.

Try not to say that you and the school "fit" together at the end. Everyone uses that phrase for these kinds of essays.

Overall a strong essay. Good luck!
blaze321 4 / 5  
Sep 26, 2012   #10
i think you shorten the essay a bit more.


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