Hello, these are my essays that need to be proof-readed with these questions in mind:
1. do essays answer the question
2. do you know the point that i am trying to get across
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.
Over the course of the past four years, I feel that I have greatly contributed to my community. Whether I am volunteering at my local first aid squad or spending time at an after school organization, I am always ready to lead in any activity.
Leadership, to me, is the ability to make choices and herd a group of people in the right direction. With the ability to lead, I hope to make a difference not only in my life, but others as well. That is why volunteering is such a big part of my life.
During the summer of 2006, I joined the Marlboro First Aid Squad. Joining this organization also advanced my skills in leadership.
But to my realization, I was on the "bottom" of the list; I did not know anything about the rules or procedures of the squad. I had compromise with myself and lay my ego aside as I asked somebody else for help. I sat there intently listening to the speaker as he explained to me the rules and procedures of the building. During his lesson, he would stop and ask me if I had any questions. To my surprise, I would be baffled and questions would come pouring out of my mouth.
I do not know everything; I wish I did, but I do not. That is why I have to listen to my fellow cadets and follow their instructions. Eventually, I gained the knowledge that I needed. I had to take certain procedures such as enrolling myself in CPR and EMT classes in order to obtain all the information.
Throughout this experienced I learned that I had to be led in order to lead. I must be willing to let other teach me so I that I can eventually do the same. This lesson I learned does not only pertain the Marlboro First Aid Squad, but also to other situations that I will encounter as life goes on. This is why I feel that my leadership skills will help me throughout my college years.
I look back now and I realized that if I had let my ego get in the way, then I would have never been taught the knowledge that I needed.
By going to Rutgers, I am hoping that I can learn not only academically wise but also lessons that will help me throughout life. I also hope to reciprocate my knowledge and demonstrate my leadership skills.
Please attach a personal statement. Explain your reasons for seeking admission to Montclair State University, including what you believe are your academic strengths and interests. Be certain to explain any situations that may have had an impact, either positively or negatively, on your academic record. Please list significant activities in which you have participated, both in school and out of school.
Ever since I was young, I was always being compared to my siblings and cousins. Unfortunately, nothing ever good was said when I was being talked about, academic wise.
My parents would always support me upfront, but when I wasn't looking, I knew that they did not believe in what they say to me. That is not to say that I did not love my parents. As a matter of fact, I loved them very much and that is why their so call "support" affected me so much.
The first two years of my high school experience is something I wish I could start over.
With the lack of "real" support of my parents, I felt like that I could not achieve anything. Towards the end of my sophomore year, our report cards were distributed during homeroom. I looked down at my grades and then at my cousins; I folded my report card in shame.
That night when I showed my parents my report card, I could see the disappointment in their eyes as they do me that I could do it as long as I tried my hardest. As they left my room, I closed the door and slumped onto my bed. I have never had the feeling that I was currently undergoing. I felt that I had let my parents down. After countless hours of staring at the ceiling and reminiscing of my past academic experiences, I realized that something had to be done. I came to the conclusion that I had to put forth all my efforts into my academic life. For the first time, I realized that this had nothing to do with my parents, but instead I will do this for me, for "my" sake.
The revelation I had that night definitely changed my outlook of school. My grades were improving, but I knew nothing drastic was going to happen to my grade point average; the damage has already been made. By going to Montclair, I hope that I can start over and start a clean plate.
Throughout the struggle of my high school experience, there were several activates that I did do well in and actually enjoyed doing it. These activities included volunteering at my local church and the first aid squad and joining clubs at my school. The reason why these activities appealed to me is because it would give me a chance to make a difference in somebody's life who needs it just as how I needed it. Even though, these activities don't help in the academic section, they do help in many other ways. For example, by joining the Marlboro First Aid Squad, I am able to help the person physically.
As a senior, I look back at the past and I wondered if I had someone there to help me, would that have made a difference in my life? If I had someone who motivated me all the way and was there to help me, yes, it would have made a difference.
Whether the impact may be big or small, I will still get a feeling of justice just knowing that I made a positive impact on somebody's life.
Topic of Choice
The flares of sirens and the indistinctive commotion awoke me from my peaceful slumber. My brother ran into my room to inform me that our grandfather had fallen and fractured his skull. I ran downstairs to see the paramedic and first aid personnel attending to my grandfather.
That moment was a life-altering experience for me. Watching all these heroic personnel inspired me to become just like them. During the summer of 2006, I signed up to become an active part of the community by joining the Marlboro First Aid Squad.
As I walked to the building, my mind wandered back to the incident of my grandfather and I thought about all the miraculous and life-saving tasks I would be doing. I wanted to be a hero and change somebody's life just as the paramedics helped change my grandfather's life.
I went into the building with my expectations high, only to be disappointed. My high and glorious dreams of doing something heroic were shattered when I looked around only to see my fellow members watching television and eating their food. I introduced myself to them and I asked about previous emergency calls that they had embarked on. I sat there being captivated by their stories. As I listened, the more I wanted to be "out there" accomplishing something instead of sitting in here doing nothing. As time passed, my patience began to grow weary. My time at the building was almost over and I realized that I had not done anything. Disappointed, I left my shift at my expected time and hoped that the next time would be more gratifying.
After a month upon arrival, I had not been allowed to execute any tasks. One day as I was flipping through the channels of the television, the captain of the Marlboro First Aid Squad came up to me and asked me what my purpose of joining the organization was. I explained to him the reason why I wanted to volunteer here and as I was explaining, I noticed a stern look appear on his face. All of a sudden, he said to me, "Get off your lazy butt and go talk to the advisor to sign up for a CPR class." Stunned and angry, I sat there helplessly as he walked away. I leaned back against the seat and realized that that captain was right and that noting was going to get accomplished unless I put my full effort into it. I got up from the seat, found the advisor, and signed up for a CPR class.
Gradually, I increased my job position just by registering myself in a CPR class. Eventually, I even earned the title "cadet" which opened the door for much more opportunities, because now, I was able to ride the ambulance! At last, I could help save somebody's life. Unfortunately, the captain came up to me and informed me the rules of being a cadet. It came to my attention that all I could do was help load the patient onto the ambulance. I could not actually "help" the patient. I was still limited in my work and therefore, still could not perform heroic deeds.
It dawned on me that I had to take another step in order to upgrade my work. Therefore, I enrolled myself in another class- this time to become an EMT. The classes were held on Monday and Wednesday nights for three hours and on Saturday mornings for approximately five hours. In due course, I completed the class and I was ready to go on the emergency calls.
One day, as I was getting ready to return home form the building, the radios went off and announced that help was needed. I dashed to the closet, grabbed an EMT jacked, and raced to the ambulance. As the ambulances were backing out of the garage, my mind wandered to the incident of my grandfather. The once "indistinctive commotion" was now not so indistinctive. "Finally, I am able to fulfill my goal," I thought to myself; I reminisced of my past experiences at the building. Nothing in life comes easy. I was aware that accomplishing my goal was tedious work and some might even say that it was too much. But the hard work, the determination, and the effort all alone were worth the struggle.
THANKS :) any criticism will be appreciated :)
Good afternoon.
In regards to the first essay, it seems that your point is that one must allow himself/herself to learn from others before he/she is equipped to lead. As to whether or not this essay answer the prompt, I'm not sure it does entirely. For instance, the question about how you would from and contribute to such an environment seems to be unaddressed in this response.
In regards to the second essay, again it seems your response doesn't acknowledge the prompt entirely. For instance, they ask about academic strengths (and I am POSITIVE you have some-have you become organized in regards to your studies? Do you manage your time well when it comes to balancing homework and social events? Think outside of the regular "academic" box here) yet you discuss a negative event and the negative qualities about it. An academic board member might look at this and wonder why they should let you into the school if this is the best you can think of when prompted for your strengths. Was the impact the lack of real support from your parents? It seems as though that is the focal point of this piece, but it is difficult to tell.
As to the third essay, what was it exactly about the experience with your grandfather that motivated you to make this change in your life? You have a lot of detail in this piece, but it seems to lack some precision. It is clear that motivation is an important theme in this piece, but to what end? A little more structure in this piece would greatly improve it.
I hope this helps you. Best of luck!
Regards,
Gloria
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