Martial Arts & Me -UC Promt 2

"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

"GO!" I lock my leg head-level and yell at the top of my lungs. Sweat pours down my face and catches on the lapel of my uniform. I've never been so exhausted in my life. Four years of my life dedicated to this three hour test. All in the hopes of joining an elite group of masters of the martial arts. The thoughts of success so close to a reality I can hold. My chest feels heavy and my muscles burn, but I press on. "STOP!" yells the instructor. The entire room goes silent as me and my fellow Karate students quickly take on the ready position. The master instructors leave the room to discuss their final decisions. Time seems to stop all at once, the load on body lifted, it is relieving. However, the reward has yet to be granted.

Patience is a virtue I have acquired over the course of my martial arts career. Practicing five days a week year-round for four years seems even longer when there is only eight belts to achieve. The door to the smaller room of my testing center opens slowly and a few instructors walk back to their original seats. My personal instructor Mr. Driscoll walks by me slowly, but gives me no sign. "Leave your ego at the door," he would always say. Throughout the years I had been involved in Karate I was always above the rest in talent and ability. In the earlier part of my career I found modesty to be an afterthought as I would strut into competitions knowing I was going to win. That was all until I met my match around the age of fourteen in an advanced-rank sparring match. I lost 5-0 in less than two minutes. My embarrassment had led me to realize that cocky and arrogant ways were pointless and only made me look worse as a person.

The door opens again. This time the master instructors walk out and take their seats near the front of the room. A quick speech was given on how proud everyone was to see our success. As I looked over to the side I could see my mom crying with my dad at her side. I knew I had made them proud. One by one each student was called up with their school and given their black belt. My heart raced as I could not wait to receive mine. And then the moment came. "Adam Seivert out of Long Lake National Karate." I raced to the front and stood at attention facing Mr. Driscoll. He undid my brown belt and tied the new black one around my waist. I thanked him for everything he had done and proudly walked back to my space where I had tested. Looking down at the belt I realized what it really meant. My trophies and belts meant nothing compared to what I had learned over the years. Patience, modesty, and self-discipline are all a part of what I have become and who I am.

*This is my first draft. Any comments, suggestions, or constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated!

I like the way you described your experience in this essay [:

Just a few corrections:

Four years of my life dedicated to this three hour test. All in the hopes of joining an elite group of masters of the martial arts. - These two fragments sound awkward separately, maybe try making one sentence out of them?

The entire room goes silent as me and my fellow Karate students quickly take on the ready position. - should be "my fellow karate students and I "

Patience is a virtue I have acquired over the course of my martial arts career. Practicing five days a week year-round for four years seems even longer when there is only eight belts to achieve. - these sentences seem a little out of place in the context of your essay - I like them, but maybe you should move them to a different part of your story?

Overall, good work, and good luck! [:
-Tuhina

My embarrassment had led me to realize that cocky and arrogant ways were pointless and only made me look worse as a person.

Correct this verb agreement error by saying:

My embarrassment has led me to realize that cocky and arrogant ways are pointless and only make me look worse as a person.

Great essay! Good luck :)