Hi, I wrote an essay with 515 words, and I cannot shorten it aptly. And there will be some grammar errors. So please be harsh with me, and tell more usefle corrections.
I need this help. Thanks a lot.
prompt College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.
Mathematical, my dream
I dreamed of a wide open road, with emerald green highway signs, and a groundbreaking skyline. I was dreaming about my future, using my favorite tool of math to help organize the city of tomorrow in a myriad of ways.
"Hurry up! You don't want to be late for your first day!" My mother interjected. My daydream was interrupted, and I suddenly remember that it was my first day at American school. In the car, I imagined leaving a deep impression to classmates on first day. However, I could hardly complete a full sentence, and my broken English led some kids to stare amusingly at my stutter. Soon, I became discouraged about my ability to succeed in school. A week later, Ms. Mylowe, my lead teacher, talked with me: "Tony, I knew you had difficulty conquering language obstacles, but I heard that you have a talent at mathematics, why don't maximize your talent?"
With this tide of encouragement, I found a new immediate goal. I wanted not only to be good at mathematics, but to apply it to real world problems. I discovered that math is a potent combination of empirical knowledge and logic, underling functionality of practically every process from rocket science to the budget of a household. In November, I became the first place winner in the school Mathematics Superbowl. I can never forget that Mr. Frank, the principle, referred to me 'the most gifted boy in the school' on the ceremony. Moreover, Ms. Mylowe made up a story to describe my obsession with math: I stared at the bottom of the river; curious and occupied, "Why are you staring at the fish?" My friend asked. My reply sounded strange. "I'm trying to figure out the angle of elevation of the river base from this point."
The torrential, unpredictable, ever-changing currents overwhelmed me. Without conscious thought, I gradually began correlating real-life to mathematic principles, whether it is the number of audiences in school bus, or the trajectory followed by falling stone. Math was the beacon shining at the end of my elementary school career, my light at the end of the tunnel. Numbers speak to me as if they were a psychologist and I was a patient - they have the same cathartic effect as a psychologist or a best friend. At the age of twelve, it was math that empowered and injected me with confidence and energy.
My grinding resolve and feisty demeanor in mathematic did not burst from a single event. Pushed by my passion, they grew with me as I was enduring hardships in a foreign elementary school. Enkindled by social issues, their intensity grew within me as I aspired to solve problems beyond the horizon of pure technicality. I envisioned a ground for which I could apply my knowledge and experiences in a larger arena. I found my place in Cornell University's College of Art and Science. Besides, with the Double Majors program, I can study both mathematics and economics. Economics is a way for me to take mathematical formula into daily life problems: my goal since twelve.
Something that I really need to get off of my chest right away here, if you're asking us for help, please do it with correct grammer/spelling and with words that are used in common language. It took me a couple of seconds to understand what you were saying at the beggining of the post. Onto the essay criticism.
Your first two sentences don't seem to connect with the second paragraph; in fact, I think that the first sentence is entirely unnecessary. You want to use your first paragraph, heck the first sentence, to tell your reader what you're going to talk about and where you stand on it, or in this case, the story and how it applies to Cornell.
Also, you should use the entire final paragraph, not just the last two sentences, to list specific ways Cornell can help you explore your interests. You don't have to list something different in every sentence, just list one or two things and then use the rest of the paragraph to go into detail. Then don't forget to write a concluding sentence that ties everything back to together: you, your interest, and Cornell.
Good luck, and please criticise my essay if you have the time. :D
Thank you so much for your constructive advice. After revision and deletion, the essay now only has 427 words. But I am not very sure that the structure meets standard. So I will put my new essay on, and please help me again. Besides, I have already made comment on your Common application essay, and I will give some advice to your Rice Supplementary essay tomorrow, hope it's useful to you.
my new essay
"Hurry up! You don't want to be late for your first day!" My mother interjected. My daydream was interrupted, and I suddenly remember that it was my first day at American school. In the car, I imagined leaving a deep impression to classmates on first day. However, I could hardly complete a full sentence, and my broken English led some kids to stare amusingly at my stutter. Soon, I became discouraged about my ability to succeed in school. A week later, Ms. Mylowe, my lead teacher, talked with me: "Tony, I knew you had difficulty conquering language obstacles, but I heard that you have a talent at mathematics, why don't maximize your talent?"
With this tide of encouragement, I found a new immediate goal. I wanted not only to be good at mathematics, but to apply it to real world problems. I discovered that math is a potent combination of empirical knowledge and logic, underling functionality of practically every process from rocket science to the budget of a household. In November, my turning point arrived. I became the first place winner in the school Mathematics Superbowl. I can never forget that Mr. Frank, the principle, referred to me 'the most gifted boy in the school' on the ceremony. Moreover, my performance even impressed other harsh kids, for which they starting to call me "the math prince."
The torrential, unpredictable, ever-changing currents overwhelmed me. Without conscious thought, I gradually began correlating real-life to mathematic principles, whether it is the number of audiences in school bus, or the trajectory followed by falling stone. Math was the beacon shining at the end of my elementary school career, my light at the end of the tunnel. Numbers speak to me as if they were a psychologist and I was a patient - they have the same cathartic effect as a psychologist or a best friend. At the age of twelve, it was math that empowered and injected me with confidence and energy.
I envisioned a larger arena in which I could apply my knowledge and experiences. Cornell University's College of Art and Science is the ground for me. With the suitable student to teacher ratios in upper level courses, I can freely roam in functions and algebra, sharing creative opinions with classmates and professors. The Freshman Math Prize Exam also attracts me, rendering a stage for me to continue childhood performance. Besides, with the Double Majors program, I can study mathematics and economics, a golden opportunity for me to take mathematical formula into daily life problems: my goal since twelve.
