Hi, I was just wondering if you guys would proofread my essay and tell me ways to improve it. I'm not so confident in it. Here's the prompt:
Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (Required for all applicants. 500 words maximum)
In Mathematics when you draw a function you essentially have a map. It takes input from the domain and outputs an element to the range. Like a typical map, it might help you avoid some pitfalls by not trying to evaluate a value where the domain is not defined, but no matter how rigorously constructed a map is it can never predict all the problems you will encounter along the way or even those pleasant surprises, and I find those particular problems and surprises quite fascinating hence I am planning on attending the College of Literature, Science, and the Arts and majoring in Pure Mathematics and Information Sciences.
I feel majoring in Information Sciences and specializing in Data Mining and Information Analysis will complement my Pure Mathematics major quite well by providing me the skills necessary to start working on and applying statistics to economic development and forecasting while the pure mathematics will deepen my understanding of the methods I will be learning concurrently and eventually allow me to develop new applications in the aforementioned fields. I'm particularly interested in Professor Jing Cai's empirical research on the Impact of Crop Insurance in Rural China and her findings that insured households in rural China produce more tobacco and have a higher demand for credit. If admitted to the University of Michigan I plan on researching under her and applying her research on insurance on developing economies to other relevant areas such as the impact of home insurance on savings, and using that information to possibly develop a start-up that provides new forms of insurance suitable to the volatile incomes of entrepreneurs in developing countries.
As I have a strong interest in Entrepreneurship, the option for LSA students to enroll in Ross courses excites me as I plan on enrolling in the entrepreneurial studies courses as electives to give me the business skills necessary to run a start-up while my major in Pure Mathematics and Information Sciences will provide me the technical skills necessary to innovate. Furthermore, I will be able to put these skills to use as the University of Michigan has over fifteen entrepreneurial student groups and the University of Michigan's Center for Entrepreneurship offers many resources to help launch start-ups such as Incubators, Advisors, Grants, Investors, and learning events.
Not only will the University of Michigan's LSA College allow me to satisfy my thirst for knowledge and my passion for entrepreneurship, but I also could not ask for a better community. I frequently visit Ann Arbor to talk entrepreneurship with friends and I often feel that Michigan's intellectual environment makes me feel at home, and this allows my idiosyncrasies to blemish which ultimately leads me to more interesting conversations - and rants - than at Michigan State University, and thus I hope to turn in the green and white for maize and blue this winter.
1. First, almost definitely remove the reference to "than at Michigan State University." The last line might be fine (I'm not completely sure how college admission counselors look at transfer apps), but degrading a previous school may make you falsely look as though you are somehow arrogant, which I'm sure is not the case. Just rephrase it and say that it will give you the opportunitiy to "immerse yourself fully in an intellectual environment: an opportunity that I have not had in the past" or something similar to that, though that is up to you.
2. The references to the school definitely show that you are interested in it and know much about it. I found the part where you discussed the research to be the most in-depth section of the paper/essay. If you wanted, though this is more like a suggestion than anything else, include a story or a short anecdote portraying your interest in Entrepreneurship more clearly, maybe a story of how you liked to trade stuff or set up your own internal business: I remember reading an essay about a kid who was known as the "Candyman" in his school as he was the person everyone would go to to buy candy from him. Of course, that is not going to be an experience most people have had, but if you have some sort of similar experience, it would be interesting to include: something that the essay readers will appreciate to ease some of the boredom they experience reading through the thousands of essays.
Hope that helped and good luck!
