So, I am sitting at 579 words but I can't seem to condence it approprietly. And I definetly have grammer and spelling problems in there some where. PLEASE BE VERY HARSH!!! I NEED ALL THE HELP THAT I CAN GET!
Promt:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.
Mathematics and Life:
Bam! The loud sound of my painful fall seemed to vibrate through the small gym. The strong force of the blade's impact on my chest at fencing practice caused me to loose balance and humiliatingly be thrown to the ground while the spectators giggle in the background. Oddly enough, this humiliation seemed to bring upon me a liveliness which I had seemed to have forgotten sense I immigrated to America. The suffocating hole that I had suddenly discovered within myself crept upon me the urge to rediscover myself and to live, rather than flow through, my own life.
I moved to America from Israel when I was ten and was urged by my mother to enroll in a sport to help me adjust quicker to my new life; hence fencing was introduced into my life. During the first practice I was knocked down harshly which for the first time since my relocation induced me to desire to get back up. I swallowed the bitter pill of disappointment from my failure which made me catechize the kind of void life which I had been living. While lying on the ground, bitter at my own failures, I vowed to revamp myself into a superior persona.
In the following years I undertook this task through education. I honed my interests through the literature of the Romantic Jane Austin, the exceptionally well written Russian books of Vladimir Nabokov (sense I am Russian in origin), and other influential writers. I was also fascinated how scientists strove to create and prove imaginative theories that most would not even hypothesize of existing. But amongst all of my newly gained fascinations I have truly fell in love with one, math. I appreciate objectives that are structured and organized and therefore I have come to favor math. I am ecstatic at the fact that math equations are fundamental regulations which govern strict laws that are only yieldable correct solutions. To me, Math is an assuring world that if studied firmly yields the enormous satisfaction of always guaranteeing you the correct answer and choices.
Through out high school I have studied many of the classroom subjects ahead of time so that I will always be able to receive the satisfaction of being correct once the time to practice those equations came. Putting my whole hearted effort into my interests allows me to prescience possible outcomes so that I will never be surprised by some unaccounted factor. After numerous day of hypothesizing over my career choices, I have come upon a field that combines my love for Mathematics together with my passion for structural perfection; I have discovered Economics. I desire to study at the Cornell University's College of Art and Science to striate my knowledge of both mathematics and economics so that I can continue to pursue my interests. I wish to take advantage of the Cornell's exceptional Economics program and elevated math courses in hope of it satiating my craving for new knowledge. I rejoice at the though of taking Multivariable Calculus, Economics, and Management in a classroom were the teacher to student ratio allows each individual to reach their full potential rather than being another number in the crowd like in other colleges. I wish to participate in the strong educational programs of Cornell to better my chances at entering the field of Economics internationally so that I am able to work with counties such as Spain, Israel, and Russia to improve the concepts of global economy.
I just checked for spelling and grammar mistakes.
Here is what I found:
loose
lose
sense
since
rather than flow through,
rather than to flow through
sense
since
fascinated how
fascinated by how
thank you so much( I was too careless not to catch that)
If you have any more advice please help
Okay, this is awesome writing. In my opinion anyways (whatever that's worth. meh.)
However, I found it a bit wordy at parts. "I am ecstatic at the fact that math equations are fundamental regulations which govern strict laws that are only yieldable correct solutions."
Perhaps something more like "I am ecstatic at the fact that math equations are fundamental regulations of strict laws that only yield correct solutions." (the definition of "regulation" covers the fact that it's going to "govern smth")
2nd, vocab use. Striate means to make something striped. I've not sure if it is the right term to say "striate my knowledge."
I loved your last paragraph, made a really deep impression. However your interest in Economics kind of just jumped out of nowhere, and then stayed there. It would be nice to add a few more sentences about economics.
(although you're already over the limit... consider switching these sentence for one that praises your interest in economics:
"I desire to study at the Cornell University's College of Art and Science to striate my knowledge of both mathematics and economics so that I can continue to pursue my interests. I wish to take advantage of the Cornell's exceptional Economics program and elevated math courses in hope of it satiating my craving for new knowledge." (they're repetitive) )
There were also a bunch of grammar / spelling mistakes. I was too lazy to mention each one, put it in Word spell check. it should suffice.
These are my thoughts, good luck to you. :)
Thank you so much! that really helped,and yes my grammer is bad I know :)
I rewrote it and it is now 498 words,phew
If it isn't much trouble could you take a second look at it please?
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New Essay:
Fencing became part of my life after I moved to America from Israel at the age of ten. My mother felt that enrolling in a sport would help me adjust more quickly to my new life. I soon learned that fencing would empower me to become the best I could, no matter the endeavor.
Bam! The loud sound of my painful fall seemed to vibrate through the small gym. The strong force of the blade's impact on my chest at fencing practice caused me to be thrown to the ground while spectators giggled, adding to my humiliation. Rather than shamefully leaving the gym, I vowed that this would not happen again. I decided during that first pitiful practice that I would never take no for an answer and I would put in the necessary effort to become the best I could be.
In the following years I undertook this task through education. I honed my interests through the literature of the romantic Jane Austin, the exceptionally well written Russian books of Vladimir Nabokov (sense I am Russian in origin), and other influential writers as well as scientific discoveries. But amongst all of my newly gained fascinations I have truly fell in love with one, math. I appreciate objectives that are structured and organized and therefore I have come to favor math. I am ecstatic at the fact that math equations are fundamental regulations which govern strict laws and yield correct solutions. To me, Math is an assuring world that if studied firmly yields the enormous satisfaction of always guaranteeing you the correct answer and choices.
Through-out high school I have studied many of the classroom subjects ahead of time so that I will always be able to receive the satisfaction of being correct once the time to practice those equations came. Putting my whole-hearted effort into my interests allows me to prescience possible outcomes so that I will never be surprised by some unaccounted factor. After numerous day of hypothesizing over my career choices, I have come upon a field that combines my love for Mathematics together with my passion for structural perfection; I have discovered Economics. I desire to study at the Cornell University's College of Art and Science to enhance my knowledge of both mathematics and economics so that I can continue to pursue my interests. I wish to take advantage of Cornell's exceptional Economics program and elevated math courses in hope of it satiating my craving for new knowledge. I rejoice at the thought of taking Multivariable Calculus, Economics, and Management in a classroom where the teacher to student ratio allows each individual to reach their full potential rather than become another number in the crowd like in many other colleges. I wish to participate in the strong educational programs of Cornell to better my chances at entering the field of Economics internationally so that I am able to work with counties such as Spain, Israel, and Russia to improve the concepts of global economy.
Thank you for all help :)
What does fencing have to do with math?
think about that
I also think fencing does not make much connection in your choosing math as your life goal. You definately speak too much of fencing while using almost no words to highly connect it with your interst in math. If you want to say you find your interest in math after a lot of efforts , you don't need to dipict fenncing so vividly . It risks digression.
