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Mathew & my family; University of Miami - Most significant person


malvarez 2 / 2  
Oct 22, 2007   #1
Hi, my name is Melissa Alvarez and I was wondering if you could take some time in correcting my admissions essay for the University of Miami. Thank You.

The topic: who is the most significant person in your life.

A final review before submission

Hi, I was wondering if you could review my essay before submission. Thank You

I have stumbled across many special people in my life. For the most part, my parents and siblings are extremely special and significant, but the one person I believe is the most significant to me is my desired and most cherished friend, Matthew Wolach. We met in the middle of our sophomore year, and our friendship has bloomed into an incredible bond and relationship. What I admire most about Matthew are his passionate family values. He has always told me that friendships come and go, but family will always be there by your side, through the good and bad times.

Before I met Matthew, my views on family were completely different. I was used to going out every single weekend, all day with my friends, hardly spending anytime with my family. What made it worse was that my parents are divorced and I am only able to see my father every two weeks and even on his weekends I would be out and about. Constantly, I would get into arguments with my parents about spending way too much time with my friends and I would always defend myself and say "No I don't", although, deep inside, I knew I did and I had no way of showing my parents that I was extremely sorry for my selfishness.

It was not until Matthew's family came across a difficult situation that I finally realized the importance of family. He showed me that family is the most important thing that you have in life and that I you should never put them second best. When I saw how close his family was, it made me see what I have been missing out these past couple of years; the family gatherings and the bonds that form between everyone. I suddenly began to spend more time with my family than with my friends. I know I can never make up for the lost time, but I still have the rest of my life to spend and treasure every moment with them.

I thank Matthew everyday for influencing me in such a way that has left me to see the better side of life. I hope to continue to appreciate and idolize my family as much as I can. I know that one day it will all end for each of them, and I must enjoy the time I have with them now. Felix Adler once said "The family is the school of duties - founded on love"

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 23, 2007   #2
Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

We met in the middle of our sophomore year, February 2006, [add comma] and our friendship has bloomed

What I admire most about Matthew are his passionate family values.

but family will always be there by your side, [not ;] through the good and bad times.

Before I [delete had] met Matthew, my views on family were completely different.

all day with my friends, [not ;] hardly spending anytime with my family.

I would always defend myself and say, "no, I don't," although, deep inside, I knew I did and I had no way of showing my parents that I was extremely sorry for my ignorance. - I don't think "ignorance" is the right word here; you just said that you "knew" so you were not ignorant. You could say selfishness, stubbornness, or any of a number of other things.

The family gatherings, the bonds that form between aunts and uncles and between cousins and grandparents: [not ;]he showed me all. - A semicolon must divide two independent clauses (sentences). You have a tendency to use them between an incomplete sentence and a complete one. Here, you could use a period instead of a colon, or even an emdash (--).

I know I can never make up for the lost time,

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP malvarez 2 / 2  
Oct 23, 2007   #3
thank you very much =)
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 30, 2007   #4
Greetings!

I have just a couple of suggestions for you:

I would always defend myself and say "No I don't," although, deep inside - In American English, the comma goes inside the quotation mark.

I thank Matthew every dayfor influencing me in such a way that has left me to see the better side of life. - This is a common error. The word "everyday" means ordinary, or something that is so usual it is used frequently; "every day" (two words) means "every single day."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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