MATURING FROM THE IMMATURE / REACHING FOR THE TOP BRANCH

These essays are for a college application. I would be very thankful on any review. Especially corrections on grammar and spelling are very, very appreciated!!!

Thank you very much!!!

Essay1:
Topic: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

MATURING FROM THE IMMATURE

Since I did not want to spend my summer of 2010 in ennui like the last, I decided to seek work. I wanted to combine my two interests: travel and construction. Therefore, I searched the net for a job that would fulfill my personal requirement and stumbled across a travel organization for adolescents called 'RUF'. I was instantly convinced, when I found out that I could work as a facility manager at camp sites all around Europe. Consequently, I applied.

A few weeks later, I attended the training session that taught me all the necessary skills for the upcoming job and simultaneously served as a form of evaluation. However, I soon found out that I would not just be a maintainer and construction worker, but be a part of the entertainment group as well. This perplexed me. I was always rather shy and held back, and now I was asked to entertain? Nonetheless, I accepted the challenge. The following days I was taught in theory how to talk in front of a group, how to entertain, how to solve disputes etc.

However, when I was asked to apply these skills in practice, I failed miserably. One exercise required to blabber for 5 minutes about how I cherished chocolate, even though I did not. I stuttered the whole way through and the monologue was not consistent at all. Even though my counselors were not satisfied with my performance, I was not willing to give up. Therefore, I worked harder at the next tasks. I gradually improved. For the last assignment I was asked to prepare and perform an act. Then, on stage, I found myself in front of a very entertained audience and as soon as I knew it, I was employed at RUF!

Later work took me to Croatia, Italy and (Sardinia). These trips were one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I was thought many skills. I learned how to perform well, how to talk in front of large crowds and how to persuade. I got to know how important some character traits like tolerance and compassion are. I also realized how crucial first impressions are. Furthermore, I learned a lot about construction and maintenance.

However, I especially learned how rewarding it can be to push myself to overcome obstacles and personal fears. I would not have met all these amazing people, seen all these places and learned all these things if I had already given up at the recruiting procedure for 'RUF'. I am proud to have dropped my insecurities and to have persisted during recruitment. Since then I have tried to live up more to the motto "Screw it lets do it", a motto coined by my greatest idol, Richard Branson, because I came to realize that every unused opportunity is a lost opportunity! And I hope by applying this concept in the present and future, there are still many great experiences and achievements to come!

Essay2: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

REACHING FOR THE TOP BRANCH
I grew up on a small farm which belonged to my grandparents, two hard working individuals. Even though constantly engaged in projects, they never seemed to get tired of their labor. They did everything with ardor: whether it was harvesting fields, picking fruits, repairing farm devices or even building or renovating houses. They were not just great at construction, maintenance or repair, but also at improvisation.

I can still recall that vivid image in my mind when my grandfather, 'Opa' as I called him, was trying to get to that top branch of the cherry tree in his backyard. The tree was about 40 feet high and his ladder just about 35. 'Opa' considered the circumstances for a minute and then disappeared. He rummaged in the basement and came back with some utensils. Five minutes later a wiggly, old table stood in front of him with a chair on top, which was vertically extended by a bucket. The bucket served as support for the bottom pole of his ladder. Soon he dangled in midair trying to grasp the last fruits on the tree before the birds could get them. While I was astonished by this creative solution, people walking by were perplexed by this craziness.

Soon I became inspired by the adroitness and creativity of my grandparents and started to implement my own ideas. When I was six I built my first tree house with a balcony and an elevator. Other projects followed like bow and arrows, traps, catapults, shelves or small wooden hideouts, where I often spent hours and even days/nights.

The farm became a paradise for me. All the materials and equipment that I needed were available to me, much to the despair of my grandfather whose precious wood was soon diminished. I would spend hours in the dusty barn, with the machines and tools, drawing plans and trying to implement them.

The farm was a great environment to grow up. It was not just a place where my interest to once become an engineer was sparked, but it was also a spot of creativity. I had the possibility to give my personal ideas a shape and form there. Furthermore it was a place that provided me with a toolkit for life. This environment showed me that with a little bit of passion, vigor and sense of improvisation about anything can be achieved, whether it is a mechanical or 'a real life' problem and that sometimes it can be worth to go through some struggles to be able to reach that top branch.

My vigor and fascination in engineering has not left me since then. Over the years I have progressed from building tree houses to winning 'Lego Mindstorms' competitions to being a facility manager at a large campsite. I want to keep that progress going. I know that a degree in engineering is the best investment and ultimate solution to satisfy my urge in designing, building and problem solving.

Since I did not want to spend my summer of 2010 in ennui like the last - maybe explain what ennui is. If its a place, it should be capitalized. Also, maybe describe what happened last summer, like was it boring, why did you not want to spend it like last year.

I was instantly convinced...- maybe reword that sentence, like have the reason first, and then something like, made my heart sway or persuaded, not convinced.

The following days I was taught in theory how to talk in front of a group, how to entertain, how to solve disputes etc. - NEVER use etc... instead, give examples starting with such as...I got a lot of marks taken off my essay for writing etc... so just a tip :P

One exercise required to blabber for 5 minutes about...- required us? grammar

Even though my counselors were not satisfied with my performance, I was not willing to give up...-did not give up? willing sounds a bit akward.

Later work took me to Croatia, Italy and (Sardinia)...start off with a better transition word..Later sounds a bit sudden and to jumpy from the previous sentence.

Overall, it was very good.

The second essay was very interesting to read. Very Good job!

Good luck and Good job!!! :D

.... you don't have to tell every detail. Applying is implied by the first part of this line.
I was instantly attracted when I learned that I could work as a facility manager at camp sites all around Europe.


The following days I had a training on soft skills like talking to an audience, entertaining others, solving disputes etc.


However, I performed very poor when trying to apply these skills practically.



This sounds repetitive as you almost used the same words before in explaining your tasks. Rephrase this line.